paradisa | [008] i feel it in my bones;

[ She's not really sure where to begin after... everything that happened. It's not she hasn't been through worse, she has. What was one little kidnapping compared to months of war, and before that? Worse. But that was court, that was England where she was an abomination to God in the eyes of almost a whole continent -- and she had accepted that, it was being Queen, as true as any marriage. In sickness, and in health, till death do you part. It meant no small amount of joy in knowing that her world was at peace here. No one wanted her dead, at least. No wanted to strip her down to something they could use again.

Her head pounded all over again. This, mercifully, wasn't followed by the bitterness that always came with such attempt. Killing never made her feel safe. Not really. Not when it always meant there was something worse coming. A single man could of attacked, his name etched, to be executed, one name written in black ink and however many copies of that. But it never stayed one name. Killing was like lying, there could never be just one, and no one ever thanked you. Whoever it was, had people who loved that person. To be loved, for themselves. So perhaps there was a simplicity taken by this, and she treated it like she ever had, or tried to. Her head down, trying to wash away the emotion like waves eroding a cliff face. More than licking her wounds, she needed to centre herself again. Find that glass wall that didn't let people touch her. Her, her that was separate, the part that could die. Her that was able to be shattered against a rock like a child.

The thing she hated more than anything else, it was this was no trick of the castle. This was men. Men, playing the same cruel games with even less point. It manifested in all the ways she couldn't show, when she sat in her study. Teeth clenched till they ached, grip around her wine cup so tightly she thought she'd leave the imprint of her fingers on the metal -- and her mind, ah the treacherous thing! Call it treason for it ever betrayed her! Her mind gave her a technicolour reminder of the times it had happened before. Boys, boys screaming whore, the empty click of guns, the screams of guards, the blood coating her like she had done the crime herself, soldiers dying for men, because of men they would never see, for the heaven's she hoped they reached. There was no words for the battles in the mind, for the horrors inflicted by memory. In long watches of the night, when the dark just seemed to cast a better tapestry for a life's mistakes, they seemed a song without end. Did she even remember the names any more? Did she even weep for them any longer?

But at least, there were those that cared. A suspicious mind would question the reasons why they did, but Elizabeth had not the energy. Still, the deserved something from her, other than her weeks of silence and seclusion, something she was never entirely permitted in court. ]

filtered; open ↬

I think, perhaps, I am very tired. But rest... ah, she is elusive as only I am told the best mistresses are.

[ she seemed stuck, tired in a way that there was no complete words to. She's trying her best to make light of it, however possible. ]

God preserve us, if it is right He should do so. [ but these days, these weeks, these minutes of reflection, she was no longer sure it was right. ] More than that, you've my thanks, for your concern, for your love. I shall never forget such things.

I hope you all enjoy the feast of Saint Valentine, he is a goodly saint.

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Your Grace?

Little niece. It's a been awhile, has it not?

Are you alright?

Yes, Your Grace.

Just incredibly worn. But at least, I've lived through worse to know how to move past this as well.

[as far as she never makes gestures like shrugging, and it can't be seen anyway, it all amounts to the same kind of meaning.]

And are you doing... well?

Yes. What of you?

[Katniss gripped the page, her lips tight. She's been so locked in herself -- she didn't even acknowledge how long Elizabeth had been missing ...]

[Gale was right - she was being selfish. That wasn't right. But she started fixing that, right now.]

I'm sorry I haven't been around. I ... I haven't been in a good place. I noticed Arya was looking for you and I didn't come looking. That was wrong.

So I want to know, between you and me, do I need to go hunting instead?

Things have been more eventful than I like. But seldom is much to do but endure that and hope for better. [she still keeps her voice letter, what good came of worrying a child already burdened?]

[Elizabeth sighed.]

There was nothing to be done of it and I -- [she cuts that there, she has neither wish nor desire to speak of it.] -- I have weathered worse fates than that with much less. So do not trouble yourself.

[She's a little surprised at the offer, and it shows in the time it takes in her reply.] No. There will be nothing like that needed. It is done, and I will see to it myself if it needs to be taken further.

That I have no doubt of.

[Kidnappings, assassination attempts- they were honestly part of the job. A job Elizabeth wasn't new to, that's for sure. ]

[Still...]

Are you too worn for dinner tonight?

Why weren't you in you rooms? ...If I may be so bold, Your Grace. [ Remembering Roose Bolton's treatment, she quickly defers. ]

[That... made her smile, though it's brief.]

No, I think I could manage that and I could especially do with the company. There is something to be said for your own thoughts, but inevitably, there is no surprise to the places they lead.

I've been hearing that a lot, lately. Nothing can be done.

[She pressed her lips together, bringing her knees up to her chin.] Still. I could have done something. I am sorry, your Majesty.

[She dipped her head briefly.] If you change your mind - I'll take care of it. But I would like to ask - who was it?

I...

[she swallowed down, picking her words carefully.]

... For a game I do understand the purpose of and was not willing to participate in, I was held captive for a few short days until someone realised where I was. With... insurance as to my good behaviour, my life was threatened. [She knows the games, she's played them, but she loathes and detests them absolutely.]

Ever you ask the pertinent questions, Lady Katniss. Good as they are, sadly I do not know who it was. I was... not myself. Some poison I do not know sent me to sleep, and kept me... in the dark. [Literally and figuratively for that matter.]

I can give no more than that.

[and the uncertainty of the situation bothered her just as much. Cast such deep suspicions in her mind.]

Good.

My thoughts? [there's a light shrug on his end, even if she can't see it. He's not going to admit he's concerned for her- they can figure it out and she's too prideful as it is] I enjoy your company and after watching my best friend consume an entire plate of those disgusting hot pocket things, I badly need to be around people who eat actual food.

[ She reads the response until the words don't make sense. I tried, she thinks and doesn't say it. Trying means nothing.

She would offer to let Nymeria remain with her, but the wolf is too wild to be left alone with anyone.

She'd known something was wrong and couldn't do anything. She bites her lip. ]

You're unhurt?

[She frowned at that, her lips pushing together.] I've had such poisons in my system. You'd be surprised what you can pick up, in the darkness. If you think of anything ... let me know.

[Because even a small clue could lead down the path.]

Such easiness about you, Zelos. How ever did you learn such things? Or is that amongst the questions we do not ask? [Not quiet intended to say, but she does it anyway.] I'll consider myself glad to never have them then...

[she pressed her lips together in thought, food. Dinner. Planning. Yes, that was something her mind could grab a hold of. Granted, she wished all her meals into being, but she didn't mind it as far as thinking of the food went.] But I would happy to have that, good food is made better with good company, and I have missed you.

[She wished she could absolve as easily as crimes in court. But there was nothing so lucky as that. So instead she speaks softly, as she had to Bess that few times. ]

I am as you last saw me, not a scratch on me. It's as if nothing happened at all.

In my case, sadly little. I was in the dark, and then I wasn't. Whoever did this was to clever to be like that. I'd employ them, if I weren't so furious.

[Or just left in a cruel, hateful place and having a direct person to blame.]

I'm glad for that, Your Grace.

When you are able, we must talk. [ A beat. ] In person.

Me? Oh, you could I have experience. You're hardly the only person with a title in this place, your Grace.

[yes, good. Use them distractions] I'm glad. I've missed your good company too.

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[008] i feel it in my bones;

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