[4]

[savethedarkness]

[M hasn't spent long in her new room at all, but even so, she's not happy with it. she almost liked it better in the clinic. there, she had the anonymity she's used to: but here they've pasted her name in gold on the door. her REAL one, where she's spent the last few weeks introducing herself as Emma to save her skin. it's something that's easily worked around, but it still eats at her, and not necessarily because a secret she's used to keeping has been blown wide open. what's slowly bothering her more is that there's only one person who ever called her by that name, and he's far gone. sure, one other person knows her real name, but she'll be damned before she lets him speak it. it's a matter of pride, even as she knows she'll do whatever she can for that one other person. her stubborn nature's at war with the fact that she still feels her duty around her, even here. she's kept it inside well - she's an expert at that, after all. and yet, today - with everyone spilling their hearts out their mouths, she's been watching with a mounting horror, knowing it's only a matter of time.

so she paces her room like a kenneled animal, fidgeting, irritated, until the words can't be contained and fly out, bitten out and bitter. just the right sort of song.]

♫ Loneliness?!
Is a place that I know well
It's the distance between us
And the space inside ourselves ♪

♪ And emptiness?
Is the chattering in your head
It's the call of the living
And the race from life to death
Whoa and I know - yeah, and I know
What you feel... ♪

[she absently reaches up to touch her cheek, feeling along her jawline, as if she expects her face to feel different - as if she needs to make sure it's still there. there are things that haunt her, these days, that follow her. sins to think on.]

♩ And I've got a longin' that's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time, my dear,
Tryin' to find the place where I belong... ♩

♪ Hopelessness ...
Is the darkness in your heart
It's the sound of one hand clapping
While it's pulling you apart
Whoa and I know - yeah, and I know
What you feel... ♪

[despite herself, her voice gains confidence, and the things that have been haunting her fade, and she remembers her strength, looking down at her hands. most of the powder burns have faded, but she knows there's less frailty in her than there would appear to be. she knows her will is still intact. that like others, it will take more than words or one bad night to stop her. or one musical number, for that matter]

♩ And I've got a longin' that's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time my dear
Tryin' to find the place where I belong ♩

♩ And I got a hunger that's hard to fill
Driving me on overkill
Tellin' me that everything's gone wrong
Got me a need that I can't break
More than I can hardly take
Somehow I still keep on going strong ♩

♬ When I call your name
I'm gonna scream out loud
I'll say, here I am standing in the crowd
You'll say, come to me, with your open mind
You never know what you still might find... ♬

♪ But you keep me here like a cancelled flight
An empty train running through the night
An orphan child - a broken shoe
And I'm still down here
Lookin' out for you
Are you there for me?
'Cause I'm here for you... ♫

[she shakes her head, disgusted with herself. there are worse things she could have laid bare, by far, but this ... this one's fresh, it's still raw and literally still healing. she sits down at her desk and buries her face in her hands, completely done with this nonsense. once she's had a moment to compose herself, she speaks up, plain and sharp, as though none of that just left her lips]

I'd give someone half the jewels in the Tower if they'd bring me a bloody cup of tea about now.