Fifteenth Gate [dictated]

[forsometimenow]

[Quiet sobbing can be heard before Jennifer starts speaking- to nobody in particular, apparently.]

I was stupid. I never should have come to Atlantis in the first place. Is that what you want to hear?!

[There are a few ragged breaths before she goes on.]

I was a fool to think I was just as good as him. That I was competent enough to stand alongside everyone else. They should have fired me. Or let me quit when I wanted to quit. God knows I did plenty of things to deserve it. And Ronon... well. He was right to move on. Now... now I'm stuck here. They don't miss me. [Teardrops smudge the ink in a few places.] I don't deserve them. I don't deserve anybody. I should have stayed back in Wisconsin where there aren't any fucking parasites and life-draining aliens and nothing ever happens.

I'm nothing...

Comments

[silentrunning]

[Jennifer gets the last dregs of sanity Chell has, the very last dregs.]

Jennifer... You're as good as anyone. Don't believe what they say.

[The handwriting is even worse than usual, but she might still be able to make it out.]

[the_effect_she_has]

STOP IT. STOP LISTENING TO IT. You're a doctor! You save lives! People are dying, so get up and get to work!

[forsometimenow]

Every word of it is true. I'm second-rate. Incompetent. Not good enough to be with everyone else.

[forsometimenow]

I can't. I can't. I'll only do more harm than good.

[the_effect_she_has]

Stop it! You heal. You do good, not harm. Get your head on straight!

[silentrunning]

[Still scrawling.]

But I like you.

[forsometimenow]

If you only knew... what I've done...

[But she sounds uncertain, like she's starting to snap out of it a little.]

Oh, God. Oh, God. What's happening to me?!

[forsometimenow]

But... I...

[There's some ragged breathing.]

What IS this place?! I feel like I'm seeing things, hearing things...

[the_effect_she_has]

You are seeing things. Hearing things. But they aren't real. I don't know what it is about that ship, but it's messing with your head. Get to the infirmary. Find Allen, find Percy. They'll help you.

[silentrunning]

I don't know! But it's happening to me too. I think...It may have something to do with this place.

[forsometimenow]

I keep seeing things... and hearing things... it's like it's tapping into my brain and hitting me right where it hurts...

[forsometimenow]

Okay. Okay. Need to keep moving. It's not real. It's not real. Need to keep telling myself that.

[the_effect_she_has]

It's not real. Don't let yourself forget that.

[forsometimenow]

No matter how bad it gets, it's not real. Let's just hope it doesn't get worse than this.

[the_effect_she_has]

Just ... stay calm. Focus. It might be bad, but you know there are ways it could be worse.

[silentrunning]

Me too... I'm afraid, Jennifer.

[forsometimenow]

Me, too. I keep telling myself it's not real, but...

[forsometimenow]

[Jennifer pauses to take some deep breaths.]

Yeah. It could have been real tentacles...

[the_effect_she_has]

Exactly. So just get yourself pulled together. We're coming for you.

[forsometimenow]

I have faith in all of you.

[silentrunning]

But it feels so real.

[forsometimenow]

It does. We... we'll just have to hang in there...

[silentrunning]

[Chell tries to draw strength from Jennifer's words.]

Thank you.