paradisa | 69; dictated

[As far as losses go, Spike often thinks his price is greater than others. Not being able to get drunk off his ass has several undesirable consequences that most probably couldn't cope with. Namely, that the endless inner dialog of his present situation never comes to an eventual stop when he passes out, either on a bar stool or wherever other place he eventually dumps himself. As a result, he's steadily lost sleep; which is nothing uncommon or unexpected considering all the events that take place on a weekly basis. He's sure if he flips through the journal more often he'll find an "Insomniacs Anonymous" support group that somebody formed while he wasn't paying attention.

Sometimes he wonders if things would have been different if Jet, Annie, or even Laughing Bull had been around to guide his sometimes impulsive decisions. As seldom as he took their advice, having it offered seemed to ground him somewhat in a way that nobody else manages, and it's at times like this that he feels how the distinct lack of resistance has him spiraling further and further away from rationality.

He became so starved for some sort of criticism that he even found satisfaction in acting as a queen's bodyguard for a time, which surprised even himself. Anne never had any concept of how thoroughly he'd been using her to curb his own needs, and it's already too late for him to tell her about his now-obvious character flaws. -- Getting older has something to do with it too, he knows, as much as he'd rather not admit to it. Although his birthday came and went without incident, it also left him with an annoying urge to reflect on his time here and how cyclical all of his issues continue to be.

It's his lack of foresight that caused him to lose one of his simplest pleasures in life, and the thing that currently has him staring at a decorative clip he just stole (only to occupy himself with something else more than any promise to a deceptively sweet blonde). He's sure it'll be found missing soon enough, with possible consequences, and maybe that's the thing he's hoping for.

He definitely has a problem.]

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( Lucrezia )

I didn't forget.

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[Sitting in Julia's old car, which has become his new favorite place to smoke since bars became less appealing, he studies the journal that seems to have quieted since their dinosaur vacation. He isn't really in any hurry to finish his last cigarette, so he pipes up with his usual blasé brand of commentary.]

I guess I lost the bet.