paradisa | ( fourth )

For what?

[She can anticipate what he's going to say, but still.]

[Tch.]

Helpin' us out. I know we treated you pretty rough.

[And didn't give her much of a choice in the matter, consequently, but he's trying to express some sort of gratitude. Badly. He'll get there.]

[Understatement of the year. But the good thing about writing is that Jennifer can think carefully about what she wants to say.]

I wouldn't ever turn someone who needed my help away. Even with the [A long pause] roughness. All of you deserve proper medical care just as much as anyone else here.

[He's seen rougher. It allows him to be cavalier about a bit of threatening where nobody got hurt.]

Yeah, well, I appreciate it all the same. [That is the good thing about writing, isn't it? Joel mulls over how to approach it. She's a good doctor, sticking to her scruples like that. He's not used to it.] And I know we got some kinda culture shock going on here, but if you ever need a favor...

You could stand to use a bodyguard. [Funny joke, yes?]

[A snort of laughter can be heard through the journals in reply. She then, again, takes the time to compose herself before making a rude or snappy remark.]

I am pretty poorly-defended, now that you mention it.

[Jennifer ponders whether to leave it there, or keep pressing. Joel's not exactly being forthcoming, but...]

I've gotten the impression that... that the world you come from wasn't all that great. Right?

[There's an amused huff in return, followed by a short stretch of quiet.]

You ain't wrong.

[He's aware of how it must seem and can appreciate how understanding she's being for it. It comes with the luxury of having dual perspectives; life before and life after, quiet order versus chaos. So he gives her the story, finally. It's the least he can do.]

It happened in a blink. The infection Tess came to you with, started spreading like wildfire twenty years ago without a cure. Quarantine Zones were set up and collapsed just as quick. The military runs what's left and the outside is worse. All we've been doing, all we're used to, is surviving.

[WHOOPS, there's another silence as Jennifer takes that in. Having lived through a disease outbreak herself... but no, she thinks. This is nowhere near the same as the Kirsian Fever outbreak. This was more like the Hoffan plague. And even then, they had been more focused on eradicating the source- Michael- than trying to quarantine and treat the disease.]

So that's why... [A piece suddenly falls into place.] When Tess held me up. That's why she did it in the first place. Why she wouldn't let me get help, or even tell me too much about what was wrong with her. Because... I guess... If the disease was that bad, eliminating infected people was better than risking them spreading it more.

[He murmurs agreement, low and heavy.]

Infected people are dangerous in more than one way. We always take 'em out. [There's something to be said for passing on understanding, as withdrawn as he normally is. Especially considering they could need Jennifer's help again in the future.] I was --

I was ready to do the job for Tess when she first showed up, but then she never turned. You know the rest.

Yeah...

[Well, now everything makes sense. Jennifer still doesn't much like that it happened, but still... she feels another pang of sympathy for them. Not like she would ever say so aloud, of course, but it's there.]

I'm glad you told me this. I won't say that I completely understand now- because I never will. I can't, having never been in a similar situation. But just... know that I'm glad that she- that all of you were able to get a second chance here. And that you never have to worry about being refused treatment in my clinic.

Ain't an excuse, either. But I figured you should know.

[It's a relief, to hear that she'll never refuse them. He's got a kid to look after and he's not exactly a medical genius.]

... and thank you. [Joel knows when to say it, rough around the edges as he is.] For what it's worth, and all.

No, it's not. But I still feel a little better about it.

[Another long pause.]

It's worth a lot.

[It is? Color him surprised. For a minute he just stares at the journal, not sure where to go from here. This went surprisingly well.]

Glad to hear it. [She's definitely seeing another side to him now, five months at this castle and calming down a little more every day.] You're good at what you do, without much of a staff. Gotta give credit where it's due.

Thank you for saying so. I'm just glad we haven't had any large-scale disasters in a while... of course, I'm hoping I didn't jinx it now.

[Large scale disasters, no thank you.]

What was the last one like?

Some of us were trapped on a spaceship where we got... repeatedly assaulted. Some physically, some mentally. I was one of them.

... mentally?

[Gonna have to clarify that part for him. Brainwashing? Something else?]

Yeah. We got shown our worst fears and insecurities... over and over and over. Saw projections of things that scared us. [Not going to go into details, but she well remembers being told over and over that she was worthless, that nobody loved her, that she was more of a burden to everyone than a help.]

[For a second, he thinks that sounds like just another day. When he really thinks about it, he realizes it must be different-- there's being scared because the world is a scary place and then there's being known, being exposed.

Joel frowns. A nervous tapping can be heard through the journals, somewhere against the paper. It stops.]

The castle knows too much. [It knows what to take, what to give.] Tell me again how long you've been here.

Way too much. It's like our losses... everyone seems to lose something important to them, even if they don't know the significance of it. I lost some of my memories, and they must have been important, but I can't fill the holes in.

I've been here for a year and a few months.

[He's heard that from other residents about the memories. Hell, it happened to Tess. It didn't happen to him (or else he's unaware of it), but he almost wishes the castle had taken memories instead. God knows he could do with wiping a few choice ones away.]

That long, huh. Maybe it's something best left unknown.

Yeah. Too long, I feel like. I wish I did know, either way; there are some pretty big gaps, and I want to know what happened in them, for better or for worse.

Mm.

[A small murmur, communicating understanding. It must get frustrating after a year.]

Happened to Tess. She'd never know the castle messed with her if I wasn't here to fill in the gaps.

Every time I've had someone from my world come here, they can't tell me because they come from an earlier point in time. It's like the castle is purposely trying to keep it out of reach.

[Hah, sure sounds like it. Goddamn castle can be a real asshole.]

Gotta admit that'd drive me crazy. [A beat. Joel's standoffish as a rule, as reluctant to pry as he is to talk, but he figures it's about the right time to ask.] What's your home like?

Home... [Jennifer sounds wistful, but it doesn't last long before she's grounded again.]

I was a small-town girl. Grew up in Wisconsin, and college was the first time I ever really left home. Then the government approached me when I wasn't long out of med school and wanted me to join a top-secret program. Travel the stars, they said. Do great things... [She trails off, then pushes herself back on track.] Ever heard of the legend of the lost city of Atlantis? That's where I worked and lived before I was brought here. Except it's not hidden anywhere on Earth, it's in another galaxy entirely. The government had set up a scientific expedition there, and I was chief of medicine for the whole city.

[And he gets the full story. Joel isn't used to giving them or getting them, his brow wrinkling at the parts that sound odd to him.]

You worked for the government, in Atlantis, somewhere out in space.

[Okay, he'll bite. He's heard stranger stories since the Castle brought him around. He just wants to make sure he's got that straight.]

Big change from Wisconsin.

Yeah. ... now that you say it like that, I know how unbelievable it must sound, right? And the way we got there is an even longer story... that's also not getting into the malicious aliens.

[She feels a little lame admitting that last part, even having lived through Wraith attacks- and worked directly with them on several occasions. It's hard to believe that unless you live through it, especially since the existence of Stargates in and of itself is a jealously-guarded secret.]

I wanted a change, I guess. ...No, that's not true. I had something to prove to myself. That I could be bold and do something completely new to me. That I could take a risk.

[Joel shrugs, not that she can see it. He's sure his own story sounds insane to anyone who hasn't lived it. Instead of asking more about aliens or space, he decides to focus on the second part.]

And was it worth it?

... I think so. I sort of fell into my position as head medic without meaning to, mind... I took over for the old one when he died... but I feel like it did make me a better person. I didn't have any place I belonged, most of my life. I'm really, really smart. Accelerated in school, so I was too young to relate to my classmates but too smart to relate to people my own age.

[She realizes that's probably going to sound like a really petty worry, and arrogant to boot, to someone who's spent a good part of his life fighting just to survive, but he HAD asked. Jennifer is all too aware of how socially-stunted her life had made her.]

But I belonged there, back home. My friends accepted me for who I was and understood me. It was... a really good feeling.

Well, good.

[It's difficult for Joel to relate. He doesn't consider himself a very smart man, except in the practical sense. With Jennifer explaining it to him without any reservations, the only thing he can offer is sparse approval that she managed to find her place.]

Sorry you had to lose that. Being here, and all.

[Standoffish, but genuine.]

... I am, too. But on the other hand, I've made a home here. I have people who appreciate me. And who need me.

People like us, right?

[Another joke, haha. Appropriately self-deprecating, because he knows she does not mean them, but he tries to communicate something with it by mentioning again that he appreciates her help. And then he does something he doesn't usually do-- he shares.]

Comin' up on half a year and I dunno if I'm used to this joint. Life's a breeze, in comparison, but that's what makes it feel so unreal.

Yup. Even if it takes a while for them to show it.

[Jennifer would never admit it, but it is nice to feel a little more at ease around those two. A far cry from how their strange relationship had started off.]

... Yeah. I guess... it's hard for you to relax, right? Hard to be able to just live, instead of survive. My friend Ronon was like that. He spent years being hunted by the Wraith- the hostile aliens I mentioned earlier- for sport. When he was finally freed from that, it took a while before he was able to stop constantly looking over his shoulder for trouble. And even then, he never stopped being ready for something bad to happen.

[Well, that takes him by surprise. It's a pleasant one. Alright, he can remember how to do this. He tries to turn off the part of his brain that is conditioned to think of everyone as a killer so that he can have this conversation with fewer and fewer bumps, but it proves difficult.

But she's seen it before and maybe that's why she's being so flexible with them.]

About right. [He gruffs.] People don't hunt each other for sport, but they hunt, more effectively than any infected. Supplies, loot, the clothes on your back.

[The meat on your bones.]

[She's glad this conversation is going normally; for Jennifer, it highlights his and Tess' very different personalities. If this had been Tess, she would long ago have left the conversation in frustration. Joel, however, seems more apt to at least try and relate to her, and respond to her attempts to understand him in return.]

Survival of the fittest, right? Because without hunting each other... nobody would have lasted.

[Joel is more bark than bite compared to Tess, less eager to intimidate everyone into line. He wishes he could explain to them all that she's frightened, not hateful. Frightened of what they represent, because he listens to these people speak and he sees their deaths in his head. It's as simple as that.]

The military tries to keep order in zones, but they don't operate too differently.

[It's just scattered factions, some safer than others, but ultimately it's safest to rely on nobody or a select few. He takes a stab at lightening this conversation up, though, thinking again about aliens. Would he rather be hunted by aliens or people?]

Not sure which is crazier, my story or yours.

I think they're different levels of crazy, really. But I've come to understand that every kind of crazy you could think of, and some you haven't thought of yet, is possible. I mean, where I come from, we already experienced the existence of alternate timelines and alternate universes... where a choice or random chance going one way or the other started a whole snowball of changes and things ended up being very different from how they are.

But here? Here I've met people from different times, places where things are just... so off to what I've experienced.

( fourth )

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