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i need you so much closer
( gwaine )
[ She begins with a quill, not yet trusting her voice to carry the words she wants to say. ]My love [ She scratches the words out quickly. No, even a quill will not suffice.
Moments pass before she dares herself to speak, inhale deeply, hoping her voice stays level. Praying she does not crack and break apart. The woman he made, the woman he loved, she has to speak today. She must claw her way through the mess and confusion of the other two. ]
Brave knight─ [ Inhale. ]
Should you ever read this you will not remember me the same. You will remember the woman who took over Camelot, Morgana the witch, the traitor, the betrayer. The woman who tortured your friends and forced you to fight for your supper, for mere scraps to just survive. [ Steel yourself, she thinks as her chest begins to tighten. ] You will think this a trick and rightly so, I hold not fault against you for thinking such. But I beseech you, hear me out for the sake of my already broken heart.
When you first came here I was simply the Lady Morgana, I had not taken over Camelot, and our meeting was tense. You told me what was to come and I believed you even when my brother did not. Yet then you got to know me not as the usurper, but as just me, as the girl before the betrayal. In time something was born that I will treasure forever, something far more precious than any jewels or crown.
You had come to loved me. And I you.
Even when I returned a different woman, even when I tried to push you away with the truth, you still loved me. More than I deserved. You, Gwaine, gave me light where there was nothing but darkness. You gave me solid ground. You treated me with kindness and affection when I deserved neither, you helped me realize the mistakes I had made, the hurt I had caused. And I thank you for it, you will never understand how much it meant to me. How much it still does.
Thank you for loving me, even though you damned yourself in the process.
I am sorry Gwaine, for whatever this will cause. But it is better to hear it from my lips than the lips of another.
I still love you, and should you ever return─ [ Only there does she stop, her voice breaking. The thought of him returning, of him not knowing her. Not remembering. It only breaks her heart further. Whatever else she was going to say is lost and her voice drops to almost a whisper: ] My heart will belong to you, always.
[ With that she closes the journal. ]
[ She begins with a quill, not yet trusting her voice to carry the words she wants to say. ]
Moments pass before she dares herself to speak, inhale deeply, hoping her voice stays level. Praying she does not crack and break apart. The woman he made, the woman he loved, she has to speak today. She must claw her way through the mess and confusion of the other two. ]
Brave knight─ [ Inhale. ]
Should you ever read this you will not remember me the same. You will remember the woman who took over Camelot, Morgana the witch, the traitor, the betrayer. The woman who tortured your friends and forced you to fight for your supper, for mere scraps to just survive. [ Steel yourself, she thinks as her chest begins to tighten. ] You will think this a trick and rightly so, I hold not fault against you for thinking such. But I beseech you, hear me out for the sake of my already broken heart.
When you first came here I was simply the Lady Morgana, I had not taken over Camelot, and our meeting was tense. You told me what was to come and I believed you even when my brother did not. Yet then you got to know me not as the usurper, but as just me, as the girl before the betrayal. In time something was born that I will treasure forever, something far more precious than any jewels or crown.
You had come to loved me. And I you.
Even when I returned a different woman, even when I tried to push you away with the truth, you still loved me. More than I deserved. You, Gwaine, gave me light where there was nothing but darkness. You gave me solid ground. You treated me with kindness and affection when I deserved neither, you helped me realize the mistakes I had made, the hurt I had caused. And I thank you for it, you will never understand how much it meant to me. How much it still does.
Thank you for loving me, even though you damned yourself in the process.
I am sorry Gwaine, for whatever this will cause. But it is better to hear it from my lips than the lips of another.
I still love you, and should you ever return─ [ Only there does she stop, her voice breaking. The thought of him returning, of him not knowing her. Not remembering. It only breaks her heart further. Whatever else she was going to say is lost and her voice drops to almost a whisper: ] My heart will belong to you, always.
[ With that she closes the journal. ]