Simon Tam [Firefly] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pompous_today) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
paradisa2013-10-03 07:02 pm
pompous_today) wrote in paradisa2013-10-03 07:02 pm
Entry tags:
24. And it stings when it's nobody's fault/'cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
[Private]
Right now I am finding it hard to hold onto hope. It was one of the things that sustained me for so long, even when things looked hopeless, but what is the point? What the hell in the point of having hope, hope that I'll see my sister or Kaylee again, hope that giving myself over to close relationships with others will fill the void? What is the point when everyone I get close to just disappears? My sister doesn't stay, last time she did not even remember who I was, now Peter is gone... I don't know what to do. It seems at times like I have forgotten how to be happy. Or maybe it is that I am scared to be happy, because I know it will get taken away.
[/Private]
[And some hours after that, now that Simon has gotten that out of his system and gone for a long walk, he sits down and writes.]
Loss is a fact of life in most, if not every, world we come from. I am a doctor and have come to accept death as an inevitable fact of the cycle of life. And yet... loss has never gotten any easier to bear, nor do I think it should. Even the type of loss experienced here, which is very different from death, when you don't know when someone might disappear and then come back having no idea who you are, or unable to do something they held important.
I don't want to ever be hardened to that and lose hope. Even when it feels easier to give up on hoping. We who are left behind are still needed.
Right now I am finding it hard to hold onto hope. It was one of the things that sustained me for so long, even when things looked hopeless, but what is the point? What the hell in the point of having hope, hope that I'll see my sister or Kaylee again, hope that giving myself over to close relationships with others will fill the void? What is the point when everyone I get close to just disappears? My sister doesn't stay, last time she did not even remember who I was, now Peter is gone... I don't know what to do. It seems at times like I have forgotten how to be happy. Or maybe it is that I am scared to be happy, because I know it will get taken away.
[/Private]
[And some hours after that, now that Simon has gotten that out of his system and gone for a long walk, he sits down and writes.]
Loss is a fact of life in most, if not every, world we come from. I am a doctor and have come to accept death as an inevitable fact of the cycle of life. And yet... loss has never gotten any easier to bear, nor do I think it should. Even the type of loss experienced here, which is very different from death, when you don't know when someone might disappear and then come back having no idea who you are, or unable to do something they held important.
I don't want to ever be hardened to that and lose hope. Even when it feels easier to give up on hoping. We who are left behind are still needed.
Filtered to Joel and Tess
But for fuck's sake ... leave the people here alone. You see what happened with The Gentlemen? We deal with that shit all the fucking time. Over and over again, this place goes into our minds and plays games with us.
We have friends, loved ones, disappearing without a body and sometimes not without a word. Life here can be goddamned horrifying and there's nothing we can do about it but hope it's going to get better.
So if someone don't want to go crawling into a hole and blowing out their fucking brains, or slitting their wrists open, how about you give them a break and you let them? Because the alternative is that we all just go jumping off the cliff together.
Joel, Katniss
No one here is telling the Doc to kill himself. That never factored in. Joel and I are just havin' a couple of drinks and poking some fun between ourselves, 'cause that's what other people do to deal with the shit we go through. That's it. Don't drag in melodrama, that's just rude.
[On her end, she's glancing at Joel. Anything to add, Big Guy?]
Tess, Katniss
Alright, now. It was an accident, on top of that. I'd apologize, but I don't think he's feelin' too friendly right now.
Tess, Joel
[Yes, that is said with all due sarcasm.]
Joel, Katniss
I'm not looking for his forgiveness, Katniss. I also don't care if I bother him, because what happened between that doctor and I is none of his business.
Tess, Katniss
He might be sending an unspoken are they serious? look Tess' way, though.]
Tess, Joel
But you aren't there anymore. Either one of you.
Joel, Katniss
Tess, Katniss
[Jesus. How did the discussion get to this point? Let's just move on already.]
Tess, Joel
Just try to be respectful that a lot of these people don't know what's that is like. And they won't know unless you open up to them, and share your experiences.
Joel, Katniss
Absolutely not. I don't need crowds of people shoving pity on us. We'll tell people on our own terms.
Katniss, Tess
No. [That just sounds like a whole mess of trouble that they don't need. He's fine with keepin' away from people, being diplomatic, whatever, but someone passing around information about them? That's trouble.] People can write whatever the fuck they want. It was a mistake and it won't happen again, so take that or leave it. End of the goddamn discussion.
Joel, Katniss
[Journal closed!]