24. And it stings when it's nobody's fault/'cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name

[pompous_today]

[Private]

Right now I am finding it hard to hold onto hope. It was one of the things that sustained me for so long, even when things looked hopeless, but what is the point? What the hell in the point of having hope, hope that I'll see my sister or Kaylee again, hope that giving myself over to close relationships with others will fill the void? What is the point when everyone I get close to just disappears? My sister doesn't stay, last time she did not even remember who I was, now Peter is gone... I don't know what to do. It seems at times like I have forgotten how to be happy. Or maybe it is that I am scared to be happy, because I know it will get taken away.

[/Private]

[And some hours after that, now that Simon has gotten that out of his system and gone for a long walk, he sits down and writes.]

Loss is a fact of life in most, if not every, world we come from. I am a doctor and have come to accept death as an inevitable fact of the cycle of life. And yet... loss has never gotten any easier to bear, nor do I think it should. Even the type of loss experienced here, which is very different from death, when you don't know when someone might disappear and then come back having no idea who you are, or unable to do something they held important.

I don't want to ever be hardened to that and lose hope. Even when it feels easier to give up on hoping. We who are left behind are still needed.

Comments

Action if that's okay

[iaimtomisbehave]

[Mal's been keeping an eye out for Simon. Mal's never been much of a comfort to anyone, but it's plain to see the guy is hurting, and well...he's part of Mal's crew. Mal is responsible for him.

Still, when he finds Simon, he's not exactly sure what to say. He clears his throat and crosses his arms before he speaks.]

Been rough here lately, what with people dyin' and leavin'.

Woo

[pompous_today]

[Simon had been on his way back to his room when Mal found him; he was a little surprised, but then again, his entry had been pretty gloomy.]

It has never happened in such a volume since I have been here. A lot of very longtime residents have left.

[iaimtomisbehave]

Don't got much to compare it too, but it seems like a lot. Friends of yours, I take it?

[pompous_today]

[Simon sighs and nods.]

... Someone I'd gotten very close to, yes. He helped take care of River the last time she was here, so...

[He trails off, because thinking about River is a deep pain again.]

[iaimtomisbehave]

[Mal shuffles slightly, knowing he should somehow comfort Simon but having absolutely no idea as to how.]

Thought River was a mite better, after Miranda and all.

[pompous_today]

[Simon's eyes grow distant at that, wondering if he should confess or not, then realizes he shouldn't hesitate. Mal had sought him out, after all, and the pool of people Simon knew at all here, let alone knew somewhat well, was dwindling.]

She did, but... the last time she was here, she did not remember me. I was her price to come to Paradisa.

[bronwe]

I was told death isn't the final parting. But here it would be.

[pompous_today]

It really is different everywhere.

[bronwe]

What I mean is -- the people we meet here, we will never meet again.

[pompous_today]

I see now... yes. I know that well. Even a familiar face can be corrupted when brought here.

[bronwe]

What do you mean corrupted?

[pompous_today]

The last time my sister was here, she did not remember me. Everyone has something taken from them when they come to the castle, and it chose to make me her price.

[dog_eat_dog]

[Joel and Tess, resident jaded assholes, entertain themselves sometimes by reading public journal entries to each other, and none too kindly at that. Generally they filter it away, but this time the journal's listening, picking up the tail end of Joel and Tess's conversation.]

–– But sometimes I can't believe these people, you know, all this shit –– [a laugh] –– listen to them, the way they talk about hope like having a positive attitude will magically mean things won't go to shit eventually...

[focusrighthere]

[Muffled.] Imagine being from some place where you got time to muse on each loss and decide to "hold onto hope", or whatever.

[dog_eat_dog]

[Still muffled.]

Must be nice to live such a charmed life. Isn't it sad how death happens, Joel?

[focusrighthere]

[Forever muffled, some dark chuckling.]

Hey, don't let yourself get hardened to it, Tess. Even when it feels easier.

[pompous_today]

Nobody is forcing you to read this, you know.

[dog_eat_dog]

Gosh, sorry for my lapse in judgement–––

[She stops, abruptly. Did the journal not filter them properly? Tess almost laughs at that, too.]

Oh, fuck.

Dictated

[the_effect_she_has]

Don't listen to them, Simon. They're full of shit and they know it.

[wizard_redfive]

[Dairine rolls her eyes and mutters to herself, quietly but not so much that it can't be heard via the journal. No, it's not filtered. No, she does not care.]

And the pessimistic adults who contribute to the world sucking in the first place emerge...

[dog_eat_dog]

[dryly]

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers? Scram, kid.

[Aside, to Joel:]

Seriously? They're like stunned that not everyone agrees with them.

Filtered to Joel and Tess

[the_effect_she_has]

You know, I get it. I understand that you come from a hopeless world where everything sucks and everyone dies. Trust me, I've been there.

But for fuck's sake ... leave the people here alone. You see what happened with The Gentlemen? We deal with that shit all the fucking time. Over and over again, this place goes into our minds and plays games with us.

We have friends, loved ones, disappearing without a body and sometimes not without a word. Life here can be goddamned horrifying and there's nothing we can do about it but hope it's going to get better.

So if someone don't want to go crawling into a hole and blowing out their fucking brains, or slitting their wrists open, how about you give them a break and you let them? Because the alternative is that we all just go jumping off the cliff together.

Joel, Katniss

[dog_eat_dog]

Hey Kat, I'm gonna make this quick 'cause I know you and I can get along just fine when we want to.

No one here is telling the Doc to kill himself. That never factored in. Joel and I are just havin' a couple of drinks and poking some fun between ourselves, 'cause that's what other people do to deal with the shit we go through. That's it. Don't drag in melodrama, that's just rude.

[On her end, she's glancing at Joel. Anything to add, Big Guy?]

Tess, Katniss

[focusrighthere]

[That about covers it, boss, but he'll take care of the formalities.]

Alright, now. It was an accident, on top of that. I'd apologize, but I don't think he's feelin' too friendly right now.

Tess, Joel

[the_effect_she_has]

He might be a little more forgiving if you hadn't pulled a gun on a doctor.

[Yes, that is said with all due sarcasm.]