105.9 - too old to die young now

[hard_talker]

[so, it's past curfew. it's ... well, to be precise, it's 9:55 PM. Mark shuffles down the hall, a tape deck tucked under one arm. it took him a lot of bartering, a lot of mail ordering, and a lot of quiet splicing with a stereo he's not supposed to have, but honestly ...

you can take away a man's broadcasting ability, but you can't take the broadcast out of the man. or, as it would happen, his wife.

Nora pads along behind him with the use of a walker she didn't seem to need earlier - maybe they boogied a little hard at that Senior Prom? - but when the two of them reach the nurses' station, she hefts it up and the two of them slam it against the locked door. A few well-placed blows and it swings open on its hinges.]

Seriously, you'd think they'd make it harder for us to do this shit. [he shoots her a grin, as they hustle inside. Nora braces the walker against the door once it's shut, and Mark proceeds to do what he's done best for the past sixty-five years - steal the air.

the PA system crackles to life, and those of you who still remember him will not be surprised at all to hear a certain song over the airwaves, with a twist: somehow he found a nice, loud, heavy metal cover of his beloved Leonard Cohen. he's got to make sure you can all HEAR it, after all]

Hey hey hey all you out there in Folly Peaks or Holly Tweaks or whatever we're callin' it these days, it's 10 PM, or as close to it as my shitty old biological clock gets, and this is your buddy Hard Harry. I'm broadcasting to you, LIVE, from the only place I can still carry that nickname in any sort of honesty or good faith: that's right, the nurses' station. Nora, honey, hock me over that bottle'a Viagra and LET'S GET CRACKIN'.

[there's a whoop of laughter and a rattle, and he snickers] Right then, down to business. I got my standard issue green jello, I got my little stupid-ass Dixie cup fulla drugs ... Let's see what they put in my cocktail today. Oh, hey, it's my favorite, and yours too, I'm sure: Fukitol! For those days when you just don't care whether you're supposed to keep your ass parked in the craft room or keep your voice down. Or your pants up! HAHA. [as he talks, the rip and scrape of duct tape can be heard. repeatedly]

By the way, just so you know, last I checked, Nurse Jessie was readin' up on whatever Cosmo thinks sex secrets are these days. Since I know we've all been around the block our share of times, why don't we save her seven-fifty next month! I propose everyone write down the craziest thing they've done in the sack during their heyday and leave it in her mailbox. THAT oughta give her some great readin' material, heh heh heh.

I think I've got about two minutes before someone busts in here and tries to drag me back to my room, so I'm just gonna say sayonara for now so I can leave you all with some decent tunes... Yes, that's right, it's the old Duct Tape Tape Deck Hide & Seek Game! All you nurses, have fun figurin' out where I've stuck it this round, and I'll see you next time.

For everyone else out there, this is Hard Harry with your parting words of wisdom: if you can't find it, check Nurse Tina's hair.

[and with the tell-tale CHUNK of the tape deck, the music starts playing. have fun catching Mark and Nora, staff: with the memories they've got at the moment, they've been at this pirate radio gig for decades]

Comments

[eat_me_beat_me]

[Nora laughs and tosses Mark a can of bootleg Cherry Pepsi]

Hey do you think she has my virginity in there? I haven't seen it in years!

[hard_talker]

[he catches it with a minimum of fumbling, and uses a letter opener to help get the top open. damn arthritis, ripping up the duct tape used up all his dexterity points for the day]

I think that one's a lost cause, honey.

[eat_me_beat_me]

[She laughs and takes a sip of her own soda.]

Damn and here I thought I could get a second chance. [shooting him a sly look] Not that it'd last long, anyway.

Action

[hollypeaks]

[Mark, you've done it. You've awoken the beast. Pray to escape with what little hair you have left.

There is no way to properly write the verbal keysmash rage that Jessie pours forth, but it can be heard throughout the entire building. Better pack it up, Hard Harry!]

[hard_talker]

[honestly, fear left him a long time ago. probably on about his third trip across the country. he'll just cackle madly as he makes for the door - he learned long ago not to bring anything he couldn't carry out on the run

well

it's less of a run and more like a fast walk]

[courageous_wit]

Hello, Hard Harry. It's always a pleasure hearing from you.

[hard_talker]

Thanks. Same to you! Got any interesting news for me? Sneak peeks at next week's menu?

[courageous_wit]

If we're lucky, the menu will include something edible.

[hard_talker]

Lucky... or touched by the Hand of God?!

[courageous_wit]

Hm, I think an act of God would be food that is not only edible but also has flavor.

[hard_talker]

[he laughs - not just his usual laugh, but a full out cackle. good one, Hermione] And decent flavor, at that!

[courageous_wit]

[she's sassy in her old age] That may be asking too much even of God.

[originalcopy]

Bwahahaha... now that's more like it.

[Mark and Nora are more than welcome to hide from the fuzz in Church's room, until the coast is clear or they need to scoot to another undisclosed location!
It'll take more than a single nurse to deal with the amount of senile batshittery Church can throw at her if she tries to get in.]

[hard_talker]

Hey, thanks, man. Heads up, you're probably gonna have incoming in a few, here.

[originalcopy]

Anytime. Totally worth it to see the bitch scramble.

You got two choices... out the window and I act like you're in the closet, or hide in the closet and I'll act like you went out the window.

[He's already got the window screen pulled out and a chair underneath it.]

Either way I'll give them the full crazy as hell routine for trying to get in.

[hard_talker]

I'll take the R. Kelly routine for $500, Alex. I'm not bustin' out 'till after they think the coast is clear. That way you and Nora can come with, if you want.

We're gonna go to Taco Bell. I'm sick'a meatloaf.

[originalcopy]

[He rolls his eyes]
Don't get any ideas in there.

Taco Bell sounds way better than it should.

[hard_talker]

Perish the thought. Like you can do anything worthwhile in a space that smells like fuckin' mothballs, anyway...

Crunchwraps, that is all I am saying. And those little styrofoam cups full of cheesy potatoes. Give me wicked fuckin' ageda but they are SO worth it. ... Christ, I just called it "ageda", I must be gettin' too old for this shit.

[originalcopy]

We're all to old for this shit. At least on the outside.

Got a nurse to smuggle me in a pizza and I swear, it tasted better than it should have... just because it was against the rules.

[thatrabbitsdynamite]

Nurse Tina. That's what that little psychopath is called, is it? Right.

[But this is troubling] You don't remember anything?

[hard_talker]

... What d'you mean, don't remember anything? I don't have Alzheimer's or anything. Did they just drag you in here kicking and screaming? I don't recognize your voice.

[thatrabbitsdynamite]

...Ripper. Guess this place really can do anything it bloody well wants to.

It's me. The Easter Bunny.

[hard_talker]

... What did they put in the jello this week? Seriously. Everyone keeps talking like they got an extra dose of crazy. Percy thinks his pen turns into a sword, Alex thinks she's got a magic wand, you think you're the Easter Bunny....

[thatrabbitsdynamite]

I think I'm the Easter Bunny because I am the Easter Bunny. The castle's done a number on your noggin.

omg he is gonna feel SO BAD next time they talk

[hard_talker]

You definitely have it backwards, man. There isn't an Easter Bunny, hasn't been since I was eye-level with the kitchen counter.

yes good :3

[thatrabbitsdynamite]

...You're being messed about with by a magical castle right now, so I'm going to do you a big favour and pretend I never heard that.

/sob

[hard_talker]

Uhhhhh huh. Do me a favor and don't neglect the Dixie cups, next time they get passed around, okay?

[thatrabbitsdynamite]

The-the what?

[silentrunning]

[Chell would be dancing. But she's too old to... Wait. What's she saying? She can dance, dammit. She picks up her journal in her frail old hands...]

I love you, man! I'm still here!

[hard_talker]

Good! I might actually have to shut my mouth for a day or so if I found out you weren't.

[silentrunning]

[She chuckles.]

Can't get rid of me that easy, sonny boy! And um. Did you really put a tape deck in Nurse Tina's hair. It looks enough like a frizzy rat nest...

[She cackles]

So what sorta party you got going on in there?

[hard_talker]

Naaaah, I put it somewhere else, but I gotta keep it a secret. No tellin' who else might be snitching on me, yanno?

[silentrunning]

Oh I hear you there...

[This'd be Chell, sneaking out of her room, and wandering down toward the nurse's station to see what's going on. You know she's not one to ever pass up one of your shinanigans.]

I threw my Jell-o at Nurse Ah whatsername this morning.

[Chell's memory may be going just a little after all.]