[you didn't think he was going to reply to this, did you? sob. ;( he probably won't even see it, in the midst of a rather total effort to ignore the journals and others enjoying the holiday. not that he begrudges anyone their happiness -- quite the contrary. it'd just be... well, wrong to spoil that, right?
...PLUS YOU'RE SO VERBOSE HE'D CLEARLY HAVE A LOT TO SAY MAN. what's with that?! no dramatic declaration of your undying love and devotion to celebrate the festivities, Joshua?! son i am disappoint.]
[ And you didn't think he was going to leave it at that, did you?
But he does wait about an hour before his impatience settles in and he heads towards the castle, stopping in the town to grab something along the way. Naturally he checks Abel's room first (people might be in the church), knocking quietly (manners!) before trying to open the door right after.
It's locked, but that breaks as soon as he turns the doorknob sharply enough and lets himself in. If Abel isn't answering the journal, he doesn't expect him to answer the door, either. ]
[...honestly, Joshua, you really are a nosy little bastard when you want to be, aren't you? there are locks on doors for a reason!! he isn't in the mood for company, if you weren't able to hazard that particular guess. for someone so smart, you sure can be dumb geez. JERK.
the common area is rather dark, but there's soft lamp light coming from the bedroom door that's soon obscured by a tall shadow cast as Abel hears the door-handle being unceremoniously... uh, broken. he stops in the threshold, blinking eyes to adjust to the change in lighting (or lack there of out here), brow furrowed. no cassock or ponytail, for once... just a half-assedly half-buttoned white shirt and uniform slacks like he'd started to get dressed then just... sort've realized there wasn't any reason to bother. oops.
not like he had been PLANNING to entertain company...
seeing Joshua, there, he remains where he is stood against the light. ...not Lilith. had he been hoping it would be? she wouldn't have broken down the door, of course, but...]
[ Joshua offers a quick up-and-down glance, observing and disapproving, then gently shutting the door. The castle will fix a small break like that in no time. ]
My Valentine isn't here, either. So I figure if we're going to be alone, we might as well be alone together.
[ He holds up a paper bag. Notice how he isn't asking? ]
['my valentine isn't here either.' so, then he knows why the door is locked and why he's in no mood to entertain guests.
nevermind guests like... well, him. Joshua tests his patience on the best of days, and today decidedly isn't it.
instead of humoring him, some tension leaks out of his shoulders in disappointment. he doesn't know what he was expecting to find... but this wasn't it. Abel turns, and nudges the door a bit shut behind him. he won't bother locking him out AS IT'S ALREADY APPARENT that won't work, but it's a clear message he's not in the mood, today. :|]
[ At that, Joshua looks over his shoulder to the front door, then back over to the now closed bedroom door. After a long moment of radio silence, he lowers the bag and walks over to the table.
Pulling out a chess set, he begins quietly setting it up while chewing on a Twizzler. The chair creaks a bit as he pulls it out and sits down, tucking one leg underneath and staring at the board blankly for awhile, chin resting against his arm.
Finally, he reaches out and pushed forward a pawn to D4. Seeming content with that, Joshua drops his other arm back down so he can nest a bit, shutting his eyes and dozing. ]
[sigh. all he wants is some peace and quiet and perhaps to get mercifully wasted on his own time... is that too much to ask? sheesh!!!1
who knows how long it is later (hint: not all that long) that a hand is coming down to pluck up the chess pieces, one by one, off the board as he flicks on the standing lamp. it's creepy to sit here in the dark in his living room like a weirdo, Joshua. CREEPY.]
It's time to go. [his voice is quiet, a murmur. really not in the mood. to the umpteenth power.]
[ What, he's just napping. It's a perfectly acceptable place to nap, he thinks! Rubbing at his eyes (he can fall asleep fast), Joshua sits up and watches as the chess set's put away. Well, at least he didn't knock it across the room? ]
Wherever you should be that isn't here. [wherever you're hiding -- he doesn't want to know, because then he'd feel obligated to tell others you've been here and where you're going. friend or not... you are still dangerous like this, and he hasn't forgotten.
he's putting the pieces away, folding the board to tuck that up, too.]
[oh god why are you... doing this. he hesitates -- not expecting that, his eyes shifting and hands halted where he's putting the last of the pieces away.]
[...why do you make him feel like he's kicked a puppy. ;((((
he stares at the offering, before... just... kinda letting the bag slump back onto the table, and sitting heavily in the chair behind him, pinching the bridge of his nose. god damn his weak will. even at a time like this, he just can't--]
...you... shouldn't be here. You know that, don't you...?
[ Pulling the Twizzler back, he opts to chew on it himself while pulling the chess set back out of the bag and setting it up once more, returning the pawn to its previous position. ]
[Abel is rather quick to reach forward and take his wrist -- not hard or sharply, just firmly -- the fingers that had been at his face absently idle before it.]
...No.
Not today, Joshua. [every other day, he'll be a fool and play the part of the sucker appeasing your whims. but today, he... can't.]
[he doesn't want to have to try, either. ...no, more like he doesn't care enough to. there's no patience or understanding for that, nevermind the energy. he wants to hole up and pretend that she hasn't gone.
it's kind of hard to do with someone who doesn't belong clouding his proverbial vision.]
[ Even this guy doesn't expect Abel to be proper company right now. He wouldn't have minded that much if the man had stayed in his room. Should he say so? Considering, Joshua stands up, stepping around the table and reaching his free hand up as if to rest on the priest's shoulder.
[ The boy turns (just a boy now), footsteps light as he takes his cue and heads for the door. He doesn't open it right away, though, hand lingering on the doorknob as he glances over his shoulder with an empty smile. ]
[he watches his retreat, the ache in his chest panging tight and hard and-- why... now, of all times, why...?
he puts his hand against the door sharply before Joshua can pull it open (when had he moved?), leaning down just a bit -- this 'boy' was rather tall, after all. he'd be a man someday soon, if Paradisa had let him keep growing. but it doesn't, and it wouldn't.]
--Don't you... do that to me. Play in my head, and then say something like that. You have no idea at all, do you? Do you need me to shout it again, or would you rather listen to everything else I'm thinking where there's nothing to hide?
I am your friend. But you of all people should know, that she's--
[...]
So, I am... just--
[he is no 'friend.' he's not even a 'man.' today, he's something, but he doesn't know what anymore. he wanted to be nothing, just for a while. he knows it can't last forever -- but it was so much easier than anything else in the world. just... for a little while. is that so bad? one day of being nothing to anyone.]
[ His heel taps against the base of the door as he stiffens, and he really has no choice but to press back against it to avoid contact. No no, he'd never want to listen to everything. It's part of why he's leaving.
Never an advantage, always a weakness; always pain. Judgment. Fear. Something that hurts. Something he doesn't like. ]
[ Abel's words barely reach him. It's a claim Joshua's dismissed before, with a smile and a silky threat. But it's those thoughts that speak to him, that pound into his brain with reckless abandon. He responds, but no-one can hear him.
Never nothing. You shine too brightly to really disappear.
It dies before it reaches his lips. Abel would get frustrated at him for doing that again. He doesn't want that right now. It isn't fun anymore. ]
No...
[ No what? He doesn't explain, instead lurching forward and wrapping his arms around the older man's middle. Tall now, maybe, but Joshua suddenly seems small, hiding his face against the priests shoulder. ]
[it's a flood; it isn't fair. it isn't fair, is it? he's always doing the wrong thing, isn't he? he didn't want to hurt you; he never has. you know that, right? the horns, or being an Apostle... being someone's brother or being a sibling who misses family or a playful adventurer -- no matter who or what he is, he's Joshua, and Joshua will be his friend. someone he wants to protect, so--
why is it like this? for either of them. he wants to do what's right-- for you. he wanted to do what's right for her, too. and Cain, and... now they're gone and he failed them and he's failing you too-- failing them all and--]
that is... one way to render him speechless. both in whatever might've left his lips, and whatever had run rampant in his head. he's effectively dumbstruck, surprised...
very surprised...
...but it doesn't take very long at all for tension in his posture to leak out. a few beats of silence, and then he's loosely coiling fingers in the back of Joshua's coat, ducking his head. Joshua ;(
never a game... but he's so sure they're being played.]
[ The small measure of silence is enough to make his muscles slacken (relief), though his grip tightens and his throat suddenly clenches.
It's familiar (faintly). He recognizes it (so faint). A slight pain; raw, even though he isn't sick (not anymore, never again). It moves to his chest and up to his head, a clenching vice that's reminiscent of his old seizures. But that's not what it reminds him of. He knows better.
It's been a long time. The last time, Abel was also there. So was Mai, and she had hugged him too. He was sure he was going to die, so he had laughed. Mocked.
And cried. This is crying, he remembers, and he doesn't like it. More and more things are changing (all her fault, ever since then!) and he hears an echo in his head from earlier. Oh no, not in his head this time. Someone has to hear. Someone has to listen. ]
[ He doesn't speak again until the tears are gone. It doesn't take long. Even now, Joshua can't completely break. To let the conflicting emotions (he was never conflicted) override him would only end in disaster, for possibly the whole castle.
Joshua knows that, and he doesn't really want it, and that is what bothers him. But he hasn't told this to Abel. He's told Clark, but what has he done? Nothing, nothing, he was probably behind it too.
They changed him. He'll never forgive them. They're all liars.
A murmur. He's talking again, but so quiet, he's not actually sure if it's just in his head again. ]
So I came here...because I knew that it wasn't fun for you, either. And I...wanted you to have fun.
[ahh, ahh. then... he hadn't come to taunt at all, had he? this hadn't been a visit to pour salt in the wounds. Abel feels so... off-kilter with him, unable to tell whether he'll get sugar or vitriol after each step he takes -- even if his own intentions never really change.
'wanted you to have fun.'
sometimes it's easy to forget he's just a child in there. but moments like these... it couldn't be any more abundantly clearer.]
[ That draws a small smile, not empty at all, still hidden against the dampened fabric. It's contentment; appreciation for appreciation as it were. With his eyes half open, the solid height and long white strands of hair peeking at the corner of his gaze, it's easy to pretend. Aion humors him when he's sad, sometimes. Aion likes to humor him. It benefits both of them.
But you're not humoring me, are you? This is genuine.
Joshua's hands snap back between them, the force with which he pushes against the man's chest spurned by panic.
Disgusting.
His expression remains calm, though, like his defensive reaction has yet to catch up with his brain. Still catching up, still catching up.
Never going to. He never wanted to be this. Won't let himself. ]
...
[ Distantly. It's easier this way. There we go, he remembers how to do this. ]
[--ah? he finds himself stumbling backwards and almost into the wall, catching his footing haphazardly with a surprised and bewildered expression. maybe his eyes are a little redder. ...shut up you didn't make him want to woobie again it's just... the dust in here. let's go with that.
y... es; he's rather lost in that game of sugar and vitriol. had he misstepped again...?]
I don't know what to do to make you feel better, and now I don't feel good because of it, and I keep thinking about other things. I don't like this, so I'm going to go.
... [right... the 'noise'... ah. he's abruptly guilty; he imagines this room isn't very pleasant for him, right now.
there's only a brief hesitation as his expression softens a bit before he nods.]
...Thank you. For the candy. [or, in other words -- being his friend, even if he won't say it out loud, right now. he doesn't think acknowledging it like that would be the best way to go, as things are... hm? but Joshua will know it, where it counts.]
[ He hesitates, then rubs at the back of his neck (a crick?), before yanking open the door in irritation. He has space now, he can. (Should have before this happened.) But, even with his distant voice, dreamy gaze tilted towards the shadow Abel casts along the floor, Joshua recalls something important.
Is someone listening? There's an odd sound accompanying his words, a creaking metallic crunch. ]
She would...want you to have fun. Soon.
[ The bag's on the floor, dropped and forgotten at Abel's sudden proximity, and Joshua still doesn't seem to remember or care. He just leaves, the door remaining open in his hurry to get away and the doorknob he had been gripping only moments before revealed to be crushed. ]
his eyes settle absently on the doorknob without really seeing it, and he lets it remain ajar as it is for what feels like a very long time, but his sense of it is skewed... it's all off. everything feels... off, when she's not here.
but...
'she would want you to have fun. soon.'
his lips tug into a dry and self-deprecating smile.]
...she would say the very same of you, you know.
[would never give up hoping for the day that Joshua would be free of all this, too. she wouldn't... so...
...it looks like he can't, either.
Abel stretches his hand out to gently shut the door again.]
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...PLUS YOU'RE SO VERBOSE HE'D CLEARLY HAVE A LOT TO SAY MAN. what's with that?! no dramatic declaration of your undying love and devotion to celebrate the festivities, Joshua?! son i am disappoint.]
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But he does wait about an hour before his impatience settles in and he heads towards the castle, stopping in the town to grab something along the way. Naturally he checks Abel's room first (people might be in the church), knocking quietly (manners!) before trying to open the door right after.
It's locked, but that breaks as soon as he turns the doorknob sharply enough and lets himself in. If Abel isn't answering the journal, he doesn't expect him to answer the door, either. ]
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the common area is rather dark, but there's soft lamp light coming from the bedroom door that's soon obscured by a tall shadow cast as Abel hears the door-handle being unceremoniously... uh, broken. he stops in the threshold, blinking eyes to adjust to the change in lighting (or lack there of out here), brow furrowed. no cassock or ponytail, for once... just a half-assedly half-buttoned white shirt and uniform slacks like he'd started to get dressed then just... sort've realized there wasn't any reason to bother. oops.
not like he had been PLANNING to entertain company...
seeing Joshua, there, he remains where he is stood against the light. ...not Lilith. had he been hoping it would be? she wouldn't have broken down the door, of course, but...]
...What are you doing?
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My Valentine isn't here, either. So I figure if we're going to be alone, we might as well be alone together.
[ He holds up a paper bag. Notice how he isn't asking? ]
I brought board games, and candy.
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['my valentine isn't here either.' so, then he knows why the door is locked and why he's in no mood to entertain guests.
nevermind guests like... well, him. Joshua tests his patience on the best of days, and today decidedly isn't it.
instead of humoring him, some tension leaks out of his shoulders in disappointment. he doesn't know what he was expecting to find... but this wasn't it. Abel turns, and nudges the door a bit shut behind him. he won't bother locking him out AS IT'S ALREADY APPARENT that won't work, but it's a clear message he's not in the mood, today. :|]
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Pulling out a chess set, he begins quietly setting it up while chewing on a Twizzler. The chair creaks a bit as he pulls it out and sits down, tucking one leg underneath and staring at the board blankly for awhile, chin resting against his arm.
Finally, he reaches out and pushed forward a pawn to D4. Seeming content with that, Joshua drops his other arm back down so he can nest a bit, shutting his eyes and dozing. ]
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who knows how long it is later (hint: not all that long) that a hand is coming down to pluck up the chess pieces, one by one, off the board as he flicks on the standing lamp. it's creepy to sit here in the dark in his living room like a weirdo, Joshua. CREEPY.]
It's time to go. [his voice is quiet, a murmur. really not in the mood. to the umpteenth power.]
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Go where?
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he's putting the pieces away, folding the board to tuck that up, too.]
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...
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After a few moments, he holds out a Twizzler. ]
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he stares at the offering, before... just... kinda letting the bag slump back onto the table, and sitting heavily in the chair behind him, pinching the bridge of his nose. god damn his weak will. even at a time like this, he just can't--]
...you... shouldn't be here. You know that, don't you...?
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Why not?
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...No.
Not today, Joshua. [every other day, he'll be a fool and play the part of the sucker appeasing your whims. but today, he... can't.]
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What?
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[and he means more than chess; Joshua should know that. shaking his head lightly, he takes the bag and holds it out to him.]
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You don't want me here.
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[he doesn't want to have to try, either. ...no, more like he doesn't care enough to. there's no patience or understanding for that, nevermind the energy. he wants to hole up and pretend that she hasn't gone.
it's kind of hard to do with someone who doesn't belong clouding his proverbial vision.]
1/???
He stops, though, fingertips twitching. ]
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I know that. ]
DONE
Nobody is these days. Especially me, I suppose.
1/2
the words that come despite the silence are further deafening... that's... not what he--
...]
2/2
he puts his hand against the door sharply before Joshua can pull it open (when had he moved?), leaning down just a bit -- this 'boy' was rather tall, after all. he'd be a man someday soon, if Paradisa had let him keep growing. but it doesn't, and it wouldn't.]
--Don't you... do that to me. Play in my head, and then say something like that. You have no idea at all, do you? Do you need me to shout it again, or would you rather listen to everything else I'm thinking where there's nothing to hide?
I am your friend. But you of all people should know, that she's--
[...]
So, I am... just--
[he is no 'friend.' he's not even a 'man.' today, he's something, but he doesn't know what anymore. he wanted to be nothing, just for a while. he knows it can't last forever -- but it was so much easier than anything else in the world. just... for a little while. is that so bad? one day of being nothing to anyone.]
1/2
Never an advantage, always a weakness; always pain. Judgment. Fear. Something that hurts. Something he doesn't like. ]
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Never nothing. You shine too brightly to really disappear.
It dies before it reaches his lips. Abel would get frustrated at him for doing that again. He doesn't want that right now. It isn't fun anymore. ]
No...
[ No what? He doesn't explain, instead lurching forward and wrapping his arms around the older man's middle. Tall now, maybe, but Joshua suddenly seems small, hiding his face against the priests shoulder. ]
It was never a game.
1/3
why is it like this? for either of them. he wants to do what's right-- for you. he wanted to do what's right for her, too. and Cain, and... now they're gone and he failed them and he's failing you too-- failing them all and--]
2/3
3/3
that is... one way to render him speechless. both in whatever might've left his lips, and whatever had run rampant in his head. he's effectively dumbstruck, surprised...
very surprised...
...but it doesn't take very long at all for tension in his posture to leak out. a few beats of silence, and then he's loosely coiling fingers in the back of Joshua's coat, ducking his head. Joshua ;(
never a game... but he's so sure they're being played.]
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It's familiar (faintly). He recognizes it (so faint). A slight pain; raw, even though he isn't sick (not anymore, never again). It moves to his chest and up to his head, a clenching vice that's reminiscent of his old seizures. But that's not what it reminds him of. He knows better.
It's been a long time. The last time, Abel was also there. So was Mai, and she had hugged him too. He was sure he was going to die, so he had laughed. Mocked.
And cried. This is crying, he remembers, and he doesn't like it. More and more things are changing (all her fault, ever since then!) and he hears an echo in his head from earlier. Oh no, not in his head this time. Someone has to hear. Someone has to listen. ]
It isn't fun anymore.
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[his agreement is a little hoarse, a little thick. Joshua's... crying. he can feel the tremble in the boy's shoulders, and he isn't sure why or...
...]
It isn't fun... is it.
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Joshua knows that, and he doesn't really want it, and that is what bothers him. But he hasn't told this to Abel. He's told Clark, but what has he done? Nothing, nothing, he was probably behind it too.
They changed him. He'll never forgive them. They're all liars.
A murmur. He's talking again, but so quiet, he's not actually sure if it's just in his head again. ]
So I came here...because I knew that it wasn't fun for you, either. And I...wanted you to have fun.
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'wanted you to have fun.'
sometimes it's easy to forget he's just a child in there. but moments like these... it couldn't be any more abundantly clearer.]
...thank you.
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But you're not humoring me, are you? This is genuine.
Joshua's hands snap back between them, the force with which he pushes against the man's chest spurned by panic.
Disgusting.
His expression remains calm, though, like his defensive reaction has yet to catch up with his brain. Still catching up, still catching up.
Never going to. He never wanted to be this. Won't let himself. ]
...
[ Distantly. It's easier this way. There we go, he remembers how to do this. ]
Keep the candy.
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y... es; he's rather lost in that game of sugar and vitriol. had he misstepped again...?]
...Joshua?
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Too loud suddenly.
[ Monotonous. Confused, yet matter-of-fact. ]
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there's only a brief hesitation as his expression softens a bit before he nods.]
...Thank you. For the candy. [or, in other words -- being his friend, even if he won't say it out loud, right now. he doesn't think acknowledging it like that would be the best way to go, as things are... hm? but Joshua will know it, where it counts.]
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Is someone listening? There's an odd sound accompanying his words, a creaking metallic crunch. ]
She would...want you to have fun. Soon.
[ The bag's on the floor, dropped and forgotten at Abel's sudden proximity, and Joshua still doesn't seem to remember or care. He just leaves, the door remaining open in his hurry to get away and the doorknob he had been gripping only moments before revealed to be crushed. ]
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his eyes settle absently on the doorknob without really seeing it, and he lets it remain ajar as it is for what feels like a very long time, but his sense of it is skewed... it's all off. everything feels... off, when she's not here.
but...
'she would want you to have fun. soon.'
his lips tug into a dry and self-deprecating smile.]
...she would say the very same of you, you know.
[would never give up hoping for the day that Joshua would be free of all this, too. she wouldn't... so...
...it looks like he can't, either.
Abel stretches his hand out to gently shut the door again.]