paradisa | sixty-sixth labyrinth

[It's morning, and Felix is in the process of dressing for the day. He stands by the vanity mirror as he buttons up his waistcoat, thinking about how up and down he'd been for the last month. How little it had taken to knock him off balance. And as he's wondering this, he very suddenly starts to sing to himself.]

♪Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight♪

♪Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes♪

[He turns away from the mirror then and looks at Ashura as he continues]

♪Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will♪

♪Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes♪

[He starts pacing a bit as the song grows more impassioned and almost frantic]

♪Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
WHY DO I GO TO EXTREMES?!♪

[In the space where there would have been a piano solo there's an explosion of noise and crashing as he starts knocking this over, throwing books and clothes and other things all over the room]

♪And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes♪

♪No I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low
There ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes♪

[He's half in tears by the time it stop and then he just stands there in shock before placing a hand over his face]

...I am so sorry...

[It's not even clear who he's apologizing to and for what, even. He's not the best singer, certainly, but not the worst. Or maybe that it felt like he meant nearly every one of those words and there was nothing he could do about it. He's not even sure himself. Like usual.]

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_{[ He stiffened at that, hating it, the bile rising in his throat again. To put something like that on his own brother, even with the circumstances...]}

Then never use it here. Never. It is not necessary so you are to leave it be.

_{[ His words are hard and cold, a King giving his judgement. Gods have mercy on your soul. ]}

[He bristled at the order, a visible prick of defiance in his eyes. He hadn't planned to again. Not after the last time, and it both scathes and hurts deeply that Ashura would assume the worst of him, despite the fact that he expected the worst from himself. Ashura had always been his champion. The one finding the good in him when he lost sight of it]

Do you think I want to? I don't. I never did. That's what I've been worried about, since the second I felt him arrive.

_{[ Felix had admitted to using it to punish Mildmay. Felix felt himself a monster, and Ashura wanted to champion him, to feel the best of him. He knew he was a good man, but he knew the darkness that lay there, as it did in all men.

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, torn in so many directions as the iron in Felix's words hit him. He should know better. To order Felix...

Well, it was like attempting to herd a cat, at best of times.

He sincerely thought about throwing Felix's words back at him, reminding him of his admission, but it would not solve this. He marched towards him and reached out, taking his jaw - not harshly, but not tenderly either. ]}

Felix. Look at me. Swear it to me this... this binding... it cannot hurt Mildmay or you.

_{[ Swear he would not use it to harm Mildmay or anyone else, least of all himself. He knew of Felix's desire for punishment.

And that brought a whole other set of worries, if he could command Mildmay to do anything he wished. Would Felix fall into such a place, to make Mildmay do that, when presumably no one else would? ]}

[He stiffens as he's grabbed, the defiance fading back under a touch of fear. Being handled like that is a reminder of someone he never wanted to connect to his lover, but it does the trick in getting an answer out of him]

I can't! The binding can be used any number of ways but it's purpose was originally to protect. I can't order him to kill himself, but that's not the only way I could hurt him. He's compelled to protect me, but I don't know what it would do if I asked him to harm me. And magically speaking we are the same person. Even the Curia wasn't sure what would happen. That is why I merited exile rather than death.

_{[ Ashura removed his hand from his chin, swallowing that information and not sure what to say or do with it. Felix had been insane for agreeing, but he had seen how the other reacted when Mildmay appeared and he knew, deep down, Felix cared for Mildmay, and he could not imagine Felix agreeing lightly to this thing. He knew Felix could be petty, but he was not, he truly believe, inherently wicked or cruel. That he had not become so after everything... was a miracle.

He licked his lips, fingers moving to gently touching his cheek. He was still angry with him... and scared. More scared than angry now.

The king sighed and dropped his hand, going to the small stool before the vanity, its items still knocked about the floor. He sat heavily, fingering a displaced brush. ]}

What if something happens, Felix? What if it does something to you or him? You know so little about it, and yet it is in place and... Gods, what if the Castle can do something with it?

_{[ The ramifications of any number of scenarios flittered through his mind, wicked little wasp stings that made him wince. ]}

What if indeed. But there is no guarantee, either from it, or me. But I promise I will try. For him.

[Not for Ashura, the hard edge to his voice seems to imply. He lost the right to that the second he demanded. And in many cases, his brother would always merit his preference. Lovers was one thing. Brothers another, even if he was terrible at being one]

_{[ He noticed that lack, and it stung him. Felix could be cruel when he wished to be, in those subtle ways. After these years, Ashura knew them, and they stung. But fighting it now was tiresome and just... not worth it.

He looked down at the pile of objects on the floor that Felix had knocked away and he rose, kneeling to start collecting them and placing them back up on the vanity. ]}

I suppose that is all I can ask.

[Felix had no response to that. If he'd been a more charitable person he might have stopped to help clean up, but he wasn't. He was angry and still suffering from the pangs of fear at being handled like that, and much like any scared and wounded animal, he lashes out]

Yes. It is. Now if you'll excuse me...

[He goes to the wardrobe, takes the first coat he sees but slings it over his arm in haste instead of putting it on, and flees the apartment.]

sixty-sixth labyrinth

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