paradisa | [Dictated]

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danny fenton

[Dictated]

[It had been a rough month for Danny. Actually make that a rough couple of years. A rough life.

Just... the last month had reached new depths of misery for him. It wasn't enough that the castle had made keeping his secret identity nearly impossible by taking away his ability to lie. It wasn't enough that he'd been trapped here for months going stir crazy with no ghosts to fight.

No, on top of all that he just had to gain all these new nightmares courtesy of the Event Horizon. He had to deal with memories of actually being tortured. Not just the nightmares he'd always had of being dissected. This was worse, because it had come so close to happening for real. And some part of his mind had thought his parents would approve of it.

How did you deal with something like that?

Danny had tried. Oh, he had tried. He'd stopped sleeping. He'd picked fights and blasted trees with ice and ecto energy until he couldn't stand up any more. But nothing helped.

And after a few weeks of this? Danny just couldn't bring himself to care any more. He was exhausted, and he was so tired of being angry all the time. He was tired of being scared. He was tired of people telling him that he had nothing to worry about.

He just wanted all of it to be over.

And so he finally grabs his journal and dictates a rambling and only slightly coherent challenge, the sort of announcement that could only be made while under the influence of sleep deprivation and complete emotional exhaustion.]

You know what? I don't care any more. All the people going on about how nice and understanding everyone in this castle is about people with freakish powers? Fine. You win. The castle and its stupid no lies curse and its thing against secret identities wins.

And when someone shows up to drag me off for lots and lots and painful experiments, maybe I won't even say I told you so.

I'll just say it right now. I'm a ghost! Happy? I'll say it again. Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, GHOST! And I'm human. And no I don't know how it works, so don't even ask.

[And with that he trails off into mutterings too soft for the journal to pick up.]

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Because all the humans believe they are. (He sighs.)

My parents hunt ghosts. They spend all of their time inventing new and more painful ways to destroy them. None of the other ghost hunters are any better. If I ever get caught they'll tear me apart molecule and experiment on whatevers left.

...Thats a direct quote from Dad, by the way.

And technically, its all legal. According to the Anti-Ecto control act its illegal for me to exist. The government ghosthunting goons have been hunting me for months. They want to experiment on me.

And I know for sure that they won't stop if they find out I'm still alive.

(He shivers.)

[dude]

That's fucked up.

[Danny shrugs.]

That's how it is. I mean, I'd like to believe that Mom and Dad would accept me if they ever found out about my ghost half. But I don't know how they' react. And even if they take it well... I mean, it wouldn't be long till they realized what they've been trying to do to their own kid.

[She makes a thoughtful noise]

I'm sorry, man. But you can't let that stop you from being who you are here. I mean... if all of us act based on who our parents are or who they'd want us to be we'd all be pretty lame, right? Well... most of us would be. It wouldn't be us. You shouldn't try to be anything other than who you are.

Yeah, well, that's the problem. Isn't it?[He didn't know who he was anymore.]

What is? Being who you are?

Being what I am.

[her voice softens]

Danny...

[No. NO. She would not let this be something anything close to resembling another Malcom Kaiser. No. Not if she could help it. Maybe she might be able to find the words - any words - that might help.]

Danny you are who you are... and you are what you are. Letting it bring you down or letting it be a problem is just gonna make things that much worse right? If people think it bothers you there might be some assholes out there who try to fuck with you just because they think it's something you're ashamed of. You need to man up and just say "This is what I am and that's what I'm supposed to be and there's nothing wrong with that." And if anyone has a problem with that it's their problem, not yours and if they want to fucking try anything I can guarantee you'll have a shit-load of people ready to back you up.

That's the thing. No one is supposed to know what I am. No one knows half-ghosts are even possible. Mom laughs everytime anyone even brings up humans having ghost powers.

Which is good. I mean, as long as no one even thought it was possible I was safe.

[It was a little terrifying thinking of living in a castle where everyone knew exactly what he was. He was so used to the need to always tell lies about where he was and what he had been doing. To always have excuses of clumsiness and bullies ready to explain away bruises. Even all this time in the castle being forced to tell the truth hadn't taken those habits away from him. What was going to happen now?]

How can I know who I am if I don't understand what I am? I was a hero. I saved people, even if they didn't want me to.

And that was okay. I knew I was doing the right thing. But what's the point in that here? Almost every time something happens the castle locks me as a human. I can't do anything.

[He hesitates.]

I... don't care what people think. Much. Okay, I do care what people think. But I'm used to people being afraid of me. Or people being big fans.

...Fan clubs scare me. A lot.

I just... I guess I don't know what to think any more.

But that's okay! Danny do you really think everyone here knows who they are or what to think? Fuck no! But that's alright. And a lot of people care what everyone else thinks. It's part of life.

[She sighs]

This isn't home. Here you have a chance to be what you are without risking fan clubs or ghost hunters or anything like that. Unless they come over from your world you're probably not gonna meet any of 'em.

And you still are a hero. You save my life, Danny. And so what if the castle makes you human when shit goes down? It's not like it makes you human and leaves everyone else with their crazy powers or something. It just means you have to figure out what else you are when you're not saving people. I can tell you a couple things, though: You're a hero but you're also a friend, a nice guy and pretty fun to hang out with. That's more than some of these assholes can say.

Maybe. [He wanted to believe her. He really did. He just... He wasn't sure if he could.]

I just feel so useless here. I saved you, but I failed so many other people.

You're not perfect, Danny. You can't be everywhere and do everything, especially when this place fucks with your powers. Instead of spending your time bitching about what you haven't been able to do why don't you be happy about what you have?

But... I have all these powers. I'm supposed to use them to save people. Because If I don't, who will? And if I don't save them, then its all my fault.

Really, dude? You're gonna put all that blame on yourself? What next? You gonna blame yourself for the big bang?

[She sighs]

Danny if your powers are taken away how is it your fault if you can't help someone?

I bet I could find someone willing to blame it on me.

It just is, okay. If I don't have my powers its my fault, and if I do have my powers and I fail its still my fault.

How is that your fault? That doesn't even make sense!

It just is, okay?

No. No it's not. And if you keep talking like that I'll just have to come down there and talk some sense into you.

Yeah, good luck with that. [He's scoffing.]

Good luck with what? Finding you or talking sense into you?

Both? Neither?

Is that a challenge?

I don't know? Maybe?

That's it. I'm coming to find you.

[She's got a floor map here somewhere. She'll find where you live soon enough, Fenton!]

[He lived in a tower. It wasn't like he was hard to find.]

You really don't need to do that.

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