paradisa | First Shot

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tess

First Shot

[Everything changes with the bat of an eye.

While she registers the change immediately, it takes a moment to truly sink in. Tess finds herself in what could only be a dream –– she hasn't seen a bedroom so immaculate and new and utterly inviting outside of old magazines in decades, and she's certainly never slept in one. She's never even stayed in a hotel this nice, never had her own place with such crisp, perfect white linens. The very act of being in a well-kept bedroom is jarring and discomforting and panic-inducing.

The only thing that keeps her from outright panicking is the fact that she still has her handgun in her hands, her arms outstretched to point it at some invisible intruders, her finger laid against the side of the gun, ready to move to the trigger at a heartbeat's notice––

Seconds ago, there had been bullets, and Joel and Ellie's retreating footsteps––

There's an assortment of things on the dresser, a hairbrush that had likely never even approached anyone's scalp, a comb with all its teeth, a jewelry box that looks freshly polished––

There had been a throbbing in her chest and collarbone and neck, and––

No, no, the throbbing is still there, the collar of her shirt half-stuck to the mess that is her throat, and Tess could (and can) feel it almost thrumming under her skin, almost moving––

Tess backs up into a wall, her support hand leaving the base of the gun in favour of splaying against the immaculate paint. Purple. The walls are rich, warm purple, without so much as a hairline crack, and Tess is pressing the grime of her skin and clothes against it. She feels like she needs to apologize, even when there is no one around to apologize to.

She's alone here, almost. Alone as any host is.

She's not sure if she can "feel" the infection crawling under her skin because she knows it's working its way towards her brain so that it might kill her, or if there really are cordyceps tendrils spawning in her veins, winding through her muscle tissue and up her neck to her skull. Have they reached her brain yet? Will it hurt when they do?

Of course it's going to hurt, she tells herself, almost angrily. But Joel and Ellie are gone, and oh thank god, Joel is gone, Joel doesn't have to see this, and there are no soldiers to shoot her like a fucking rabid dog, and it's just her and the gun and this immaculate not-quite-afterlife hotel room.

It was easy to maintain her composure when she had work to do and Joel to protect –– she couldn't let him see her die or turn or suffer, she had her pride and her obligations to her goddamn partner –– but now she's alone and she is going to become a monster if she doesn't put herself out of her own misery.

Tess fits the barrel of the gun to her chin.

Don't be such a fucking coward, Tess.

She pulls it away, takes a hard breath, and closes her eyes for a beat.

It's only been a few hours. You've got hours. Maybe twelve hours, or twenty-four, or maybe even forty-eight––

When she opens her eyes, they settle immediately on the window across from "her" bedroom wall. More importantly, they settle on what appears to be a distant city basking under a summer sun, and for an instant she thinks of being a teenager again, when she dreamed of backpacking across Europe. There were lots of pictures of little French cities all over the Internet, back then, cities that could still feel like quaint little towns despite their sprawl.

For a moment, she just stares in silence, and then she says:]

Couldn't pick a nicer fucking place to die, huh...

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A day is time. It's more time than we had before.

[He allows it, that little gap she's keeping between them, because if it was him he'd be acting the same damn way. He'd be saying the same exact things. But he squeezes his hand tight over her wrist to keep her from bolting and tries to think. Twenty-four hours and the clock is ticking; he can barely keep his thoughts straight, but he knows he's not gonna disappear on her without reason.

No soldiers, no incoming threats and they were the only three people in the whole entire place who knew about this. They could make different choices.]

I'm staying with you. [His voice is nearly a growl, trembling slightly and roughed up from the unbidden pain that bleeds through it.] I'm staying with you until this passes, alright? Don't argue with me. My mind's made up.

[Joel spares a glance at Ellie, his face softening up a little when he does. He can't let her see what he knows he has to do, but he has some time. Twenty-four hours or maybe even longer. She's a smart kid; she'll catch onto his plan and she'll know what he's gonna want from her when the time comes.]

If things start to look bad, I'll take care of it.

If?

[She can hardly believe what he's saying. Or, rather, she can and does, but it would just be so much fucking easier for both of them if he could only resist temptation and let her go now.

Make this easy for me.

Tess might want to give up the ghost in face of becoming an Infected, but she doesn't want to give up this fight. Not for a second. She tenses in his grip, knowing a good right hook could get her free and enough time to go, but god damnit, it's already hard enough as it is. ]

There's not going to be an if, Joel, being in some... some whatever this is doesn't change reality. It ain't gonna pass –– it could even get you too. And I'm not gonna be put down by my own partner, or worse, take you with me.

[It's so hard to keep her voice from cracking, and her lip quavers just slightly when she continues.]

So you take Ellie and go.

Edited 2013-08-27 20:10 (UTC)

[Ellie's silent again, and for good reason. I'm staying with you until this passes, alright? God, Joel probably didn't realize it, but those words - this whole situation really - was an uncomfortable reminder of that dark day, three weeks before their journey kicked off. The promise she and Riley made, the torturous wait, the feeling of dread as her best friend slowly lost her humanity while Ellie stayed the same.

And she knows. God she knows how hard it must be for Joel to have to say I'll take care of it. Because she doesn't know exactly what's going on between the two, but she knows they're close in some way and having to put down someone that close to you with your own hands is the worst feeling in the world. And Ellie almost wants to speak up, to offer to do it in his place, but that look he gives her stops her.

But only for a moment. She still speaks up.]

We were all in this together in the beginning, right? [As strong as she's trying to make herself seem, there's still a slight waver to her voice.] That means we can't abandon you again. There are plenty of people here who know shit we don't, so it won't fucking hurt to try and find out if someone can help.

[He's already pissed at himself for the way that wording came out. For distancing himself from the responsibility with a vague statement, for separating the situation from Tess like the two weren't intractably linked. Just so he can keep hold of some stupid notion of his own humanity and pretend that he wasn't going to have to kill Tess. He takes a deep breath. It shudders in and shudders out. Everything hurts.

Don't use 'it', you fucking asshole. She's your partner. You take care of your partner. Don't you dare let yourself off the hook.

He thinks of Henry, all of a sudden. The memory flits in and out while he grasps in the dark for stability. The grip he has on Tess' wrist is so tight it's going to leave marks, he thinks. Any minute now she might make a run for it. He has to keep it together and convince her that this was the right way. He's grateful to Ellie for the support, as always.]

The kid's right, Tess. Look, I don't know everything about this place but there's something, something really weird going on here. [It almost sounds like someone else is speaking, not him. Everything is so far away. There was no cure for a bite and he'd made sure there never would be.] And I can take care of myself, you and this little girl if I have to. You know I can.

I can handle the worst outcome, so it can't hurt to wait. It can't hurt to at least wait.

[He shoots Ellie a look that has a hint of helplessness in it, but he's keeping it together. He's trying to think: she's been here the longest. Maybe she knew what their best option was.]

Edited 2013-08-27 21:41 (UTC)

[She can't even look at him when he says that, and the pressure on her wrist is almost a welcome distraction from the pain in her neck and the pain in her heart. It's practically tethering her to reality, right now, or as close to reality as it gets in a magic castle. Tess' head hangs, top of her head nearly brushing his chest, and she stares down at her feet for a long, hard moment.

Well, she supposes, if anyone's going to kill her, it should be him. She'd rather die in his arms than like an animal.

But she isn't going to die in his arms, and she knows that. That isn't how being infected works. That isn't how becoming Infected works. It's never simple, never that easy. There is no rose-tinted option to it, there is nothing poetic or romantic about death, certainly not when it's to be put out of your misery when the cordyceps has wound its tendrils tight into one's brain and latched on to whatever part of it gave humans souls.

For all their jokes, real romance died twenty years ago, on the same day that the American South went up in riots and violence and the flare of flames and gunfire alike.

Jesus Christ.

She looks up at him again, feeling disgusting for showing weakness when she's spent her entire adult life crafting herself to be anything but, and there's a tightness around her cheeks and throat that hurts. Maybe all people are cowards in death. Noble cowards, with all this self-sacrifice going on, but cowards nonetheless.]

It already hurts, Joel, please don't make this hurt more than it has to. Come on, baby, this is as much for you as it is for me. I don't want you to have to handle it at all.

[She could shoot herself just for letting her eyes well up, truthfully. Men. They want to be alone, and then they need you with them, and she, like an idiot, indulges Joel. Tess heaves a hard breath.]

But if that's what you need, I can wait. Just a little bit longer.

Edited 2013-08-27 21:51 (UTC)

[He's known her long enough that he knows when she's going to give. Even before her chin drops, he thinks he can feel it. The exact moment he senses it, it's like someone opens the floodgates on relief itself. He never wanted to leave Tess behind in the first place and this was his impossible, unbelievable chance for a do-over.

Lucky him. Joel's not even going to pretend that this relief doesn't come with a sense of overwhelming dread, and shit, he's scared. He's terrified of the moment he'll see the light go out of her eyes so that a monster can surface in its place.

She's right. It hurts like hell. Her words feel like knives, like she's making open wounds with them. He glances away from Ellie and back to her when she starts up, catching that sheen of water in her eyes and feeling a lump form in his throat that keeps him from being able to do anything other than direct the same helpless look right at her. He's barely ever seen her like this and he has no choice but to reflect it back at her. It intensifies more than he can stand, just for one second.

And then he shuts it down. Not completely, he can't manage completely, but if he doesn't compartmentalize some piece of this he's going to lose it right in front of Ellie. And that can't ever happen.

Joel nods, through distraction and through hurt. He loosens his grip on her wrist and touches at her arm instead, taking a step in closer before he can stop himself.]

Good. [A sigh for a sigh.] If you want to do something for me, don't make me leave you behind twice. Twice, Tess. That's not a favor, you hear?

Edited 2013-08-28 01:20 (UTC)

Didn't have a choice the first time, and I didn't want this to happen this time.

[She gestures to her own face, the weepy mess that she's dissolving into –– god, it's so much easier to keep it together with work on the brain, with a mission in mind. She could keep it together with so much else at stake, with guns being waved in her face, with something to fight for.

Here, there's none of that. And while she might have broken down for Joel in private, she sure as hell isn't doing it in front of Ellie.

Still, she lets him draw closer, though she stays tense, muscles seized as if even the slightest bit of comfort could prompt millions of little spores crawl over to him. There's so much misinformation on the streets, even in the Quarantine Zones, which still have some level of social structure and public health systems. Tess could spout off a dozen different theories about when one is or isn't contagious, how it is transferred and how one should handle a bite, and she still couldn't tell you which was safest.

The safest in her mind was that you took no chances and shot people who were infected.

She takes a second to wipe at her face with her free hand, just to compose herself a bit more.]

Christ. Good job Ellie here led you right to me, or else you might have missed your second chance.

What can I say? I've gotten pretty good at getting his ass where it needs to be.

[Humor may be inappropriate at a time like this, but hey, sometimes it can be a much-needed break in the conversation. So always trust Ellie to have a witty response on hand.]

[She sighs; she can't bring herself to laugh, but she can give a little noise of amusement, a last ditch effort at being lighthearted. Was she ever lighthearted?]

Good. Now get him to the Fireflies.

[Tess puts her hand to Joel's chest tiredly. Her hands are dirty, as usual, but today their coat of usual working grime seems extra thick. There's her own blood, too, from where she'd touched a hand to the wound earlier. Her own blood, her own sweat and her own tears, all for nothing but the last ditch hope that nobody else would die from Infection. Someday, anyway.

Only people on death's doorstep could possibly give a shit about that, in their hopeless world.]

Can we find pills, or something? I'd rather you didn't have to shoot me, Texas.

Edited 2013-08-28 04:03 (UTC)

[Joel just shuts his eyes and shakes his head. The two of them were always way too heavy for Ellie's own good, but there was a spark of horrible, unspoken truth in that exchange. Yeah, sure, she'd gotten his ass over to the Fireflies. Just so he could massacre them all to save one little girl. He's not sure Ellie understands that reality all the way yet, but he knows for a fact that Tess doesn't have a clue.

What would she do if he told her all about it? Those weren't waters he wanted to test right now. Tess had seemed hellbent on some pre-death idea of redemption that Joel had refused to buy from her. Survivors, not shitty people. He heaves another careful sigh and draws a path down the length of her forearm before letting that hand fall back to his side.

He blinks at her, tiredly. Texas. He never thought he'd hear that nickname in that same exact voice ever again. God.]

You wanna do this with pills? [Tired, exhausted words. He's bargaining with her on the best way to kill her.] That's gonna steal more time away from you than's strictly necessary, you know.

[Tess steps away from him, trying to find something else to fixate her attention on. She has this horrible mental image of being too far gone before Joel is willing to do it, and there's nothing relieving about only being shot when she's clawing and thrashing about. How many hours are enough before she can check out on his terms?

"Suicide" seems like the wrong word for any of this, not when she's going to die regardless.]

You wanna make this uglier than it has to be? At least I'd be responsible for it, not you.

[She pauses to wipe at her eyes again and then takes a deep breath. Compose yourself, compose yourself, you didn't spend twenty years rising to power only to cry about it all at the end. Tess forces herself to sound a little more resolved, a little more firm.]

And what are we gonna do with that time, anyway? Sit here and talk and write my eulogy together? Go for a stroll and talk about old times? Try to find a cure for cordyceps? The infection doesn't exactly have far to travel. I might not have that much time to begin with.

[Joel paces off to the side and rubs a hand over his jaw, muttering under his breath. She always did this. She's always doing this, he corrects himself, because she's still here. He turns back around and shrugs at her, arms crossing over his chest. Body language that's deliberately casual and teeming with anxiety at the same time.

He wants to take this conversation away from Ellie right about now.]

Fuck it, Tess. Let's go for a walk.

[Why not? Why the hell not? He's got a gun in his back-pocket.]

What have we got to lose?

Edited 2013-08-28 17:22 (UTC)

[A walk to the gallows. She can appreciate that, albeit in a strange, self-depreciating way. She'll even go willingly. After a brief moment of consideration, she nods –– yes, he can lead her out behind the shed. Only Joel could do that.]

Nothing worth keeping.

[She's dead anyway.]

Let's go for a walk.

[Her eyes turn to Ellie. There's so much she could say, but brief is best.]

Don't you let this be for nothing, kiddo.

[Ellie can't help but laugh at that; a short, almost hollow sound.]

You don't need to tell me that. It's been my fucking mantra for months now. Well, one of them, at least.

[Compartmentalizing hard now. Don't think about what you have to do until the very last second, then just do it. Joel looks down and shakes his head when she capitulates, almost wishing she would fight him on this. Anything would be better than hearing nothing worth keeping and knowing she was right. If he refuses to do this, it spreads.

The nightmare would start all over again. That's what he has to repeat to himself in order to keep moving. That's the one. Joel forces himself to move, to stride back towards the door with quick and focused steps. She's having her last exchange with the kid. Great.

Another big fucking coincidence there, that choice of words. Joel looms by the doorway and with arms crossed and waits for Tess to exit first. He won't look at Ellie until her back is good and turned and she's mostly out the door.

But when he does, it's a pointed look. We're doing it your way now, kiddo.]

[A bare, grim smile, tired as the day is long.]

Attagirl.

[She raises a hand in a silent goodbye when she turns to follow Joel. By the door she shucks off her backpack, leaving it by the door with a dull thud, leaving her with only her handgun –– not that she'll need it, but she's never been more than a few feet from her handgun for as long as she can remember, and familiarity is comfort. She then steps out ahead of Joel without looking back. She hasn't even been outside the room yet.

Her eyes fall on the brass nameplate by the door almost immediately, and her name engraved in it. She reaches out to thumb a smudge across its surface, like she needs to double-check that it's real.

Bye, Ellie.]

Edited 2013-08-28 22:16 (UTC)

[Just keep moving. Don't look at her for too long. Don't watch when she touches her name-plate and don't give into that urge to yank her in close after striding a few steps down the hall with her. It's just gonna make everything harder, just gonna make everything hurt more.

He's a certified expert at doing the opposite of every natural, human instinct that comes to him, a skill that has been hammered into him by time and inhuman experiences. Joel is silent at first.

If the castle had any of that "magic" stuff (and it did, he'd seen it but he kept forgetting because magic) it better start working now and do them a huge favor.]

We better go outside. And far.

[Stating the obvious. Almost growling to himself instead of speaking to her, striding towards the direction he remembers the exit is in. Shit.]

[Tess glances at Joel, having expected him to give Ellie some sort of parting word or instruction or something, but she chooses not to remark on it. What would be the point? She keeps in step next to him, happy to fill in the silence by looking around her –– she's never been outside "her" room. Is this what a paradise looks like, a long hotel stretch with cute little nameplates? Christ, is that a working elevator up ahead? Amazing how little LED lights can fill you with wonder.]

Lead the way, Joel.

[Even that's unusual. Since when did she ever follow him around? His legs might not be much longer than hers, but suddenly she has to strain to keep up with his long strides. Isn't she usually the one telling him to keep up?

After a moment, she pipes up:]

Hey.

[He's definitely moving too fast and too hard now, cutting corners. He didn't want to see any expression on Ellie's face that might cut deep. He doesn't want to face her later with another horror settling between them, another painful truth that he would tell her to ignore, ignore, ignore.]

What?

[Not the elevator, the stairs. As quick as he's going, he doesn't want it to be that quick. He slows down at the start of their descend and spares her a glance; he'd asked for this and now he was clipping his words and rushing through it. Asshole.]

Jesus Christ, Tess. [So there's that, quiet and murmured. And it doesn't amount to much but he's teetering in between shaken and utterly composed. Can't seem to find his middle ground.]

[Tess follows him, frowning when he affords her only the barest of glances. Christ, she feels afraid to touch him, afraid to infect him too and doom them all, so when she catches up to him, she reaches as if to touch his arm but pulls back at the last moment. Less than an hour ago she'd been begging to his face to get Ellie to the Fireflies and try to save the whole fucking world, pleading with him about sense of obligation. It was the exact same thing. How do you comfort someone when you want comfort for yourself, especially with all these awful walls?]

You said it's been a while.

[She pauses. Oh fuck, Tess, just say it.]

I know it wasn't easy for you. After Tommy left, even after everything you did to keep him alive. [She can't mention Sarah. She won't.] I wanted to be sure you're alright. [Fuck.] That Ellie's takin' care of you in my place.

[He remembers his own words to the little girl. You don't bring up Tess, ever. And then Bill had brought up Tess more than once and he'd snapped at him in the end for it, but at least back in their own world there were constant interruptions. There was always a reason to leave behind the past and always something to focus on in the near future. Here, in what was supposed to be paradise, he couldn't find his footing and deal with these things in any way that made sense.

And there she goes, saying things that she shouldn't say. When she almost touches him he feels that urge again-- yank her in, hug her, something. Something real. Maybe even kiss her, but she'd shoot him first for how much risk he'd be taking with that one.

Joel slows down and stares at each step he takes. He can feel it in his face: he just looks tired, depressed and he can't put it all away. And this place is so well-lit.]

She is.

[He doesn't really wanna go in this direction, but she leaves him no choice. He's probably gonna have to lie to her, too.]

We're with Tommy now. Well, we were. [A beat.] He got hitched.

Edited 2013-08-30 00:06 (UTC)

[Tess knew not to expect much, but even this feels bare.]

Congratulations to Tommy, then. I'm glad for him.

[She looks at him, trying to figure out how long it's been. A year? Maybe two? It can't have been that long, yet he looks greyer, somehow. Definitely thinner. Did he have trouble getting by without her? Were things so dire outside of the Quarantine Zone?

Tess frowns.]

Do I get to know what happened before I go on my way?

[He knows she's trying.]

A lot, Tess. Been almost a year. We went all over the country chasing those damn Fireflies.

[God, he needed to figure out how to do this right because he'd asked it of her. But all he can think is to fall back on what he knows. He meets her worried, upsetting gaze and the first thing that comes to mind is to revisit a question that haunted him. If she wanted confessions, he could do confessions. Or at least half-ones.

This was their last chance. A real last chance, not a hurried one, and now what to do with it?]

Why did you ask me what I knew about you?

Edited 2013-08-30 00:38 (UTC)

[Her breath catches in her throat for the smallest moment; that had slipped away from her mind, and it takes a second to bring it back. She'd accused him of knowing nothing about them, knowing nothing about her –– she'd been panicking and stewing for the past hour over the bite and then he'd jumped on her for being so stupid–– but what good would honesty do them right now? What good would it be to rub it in his face?]

... Fuck, Joel, I was panicking.

[It feels so vulnerable to even admit it. Panic. Tess didn't panic.]

I just knew it was over, and I got to thinking. Give me a break.

You wanna talk, right? About something real?

[There isn't really a lot of bite in his words. Tired. She'd asked if he was doing alright, but there was no way he could sum up his journey with Ellie for her and keep his wits about him at the same time. If he's choosing, he's going back. Even if that's a murky mess, as well.]

I know it wasn't exactly you at your best. That doesn't mean I don't think about it every day.

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