540 - and I would walk 500 miles (backdated to Monday @ 10!)

[hard_talker]

[guess what? at 10 PM, there's the sound of crickets. no, really, crickets. and fire crackling low under random chatter. after a moment, there's a mechanical whirr, a click, and - oh, hey, listen, it's Hard Harry's trusty theme song ... which plays for all of ten seconds before there's some distortion on the tape, and this kicks in instead]

Hey hey hey, guess who, kids? You didn't really think that just because ol' Hard Harry pulled up camp and headed out with the rest of the wandering intrepid horde, you'd get a nice quiet Monday night, didja? Shame on you.

Honestly, for those of you who've never been out past the Dead Zone, I gotta admit, it's pretty neat. Took a trip in the TARDIS, got to ride on one of the steam engines, saw some ... weird-ass buffalo ... Yep, yours truly is wishin' he had a Polaroid right about now, but fear not, Nora's drawin' her fingers to the bone, which is even better if you ask me.

As for what's been goin' down? We're due to reach our destination sometime tomorrow, so it's been pretty quiet so far. Seriously. I can almost hear myself snoring, right now. I don't even have that many Blanketeers to stalk, just a handful this week: Thorin, Steve, Ace, Rodney, and Elfie.

So ... as weird as it sounds to ask this, all you loyal listeners back in the kingdom of Wonderfuck ... what're we missin'? Anything good? I can't really do requests, since I've only got a couple tapes with me and limited juice in the ol' boombox, but ... At the very least, I can give you some stuff from some guys who got together, made a band, and decided to call it Cracker.

[and he presses play on the other tape deck. enjoy Kerosene Hat, folks]

Comments

[silentrunning]

[There was a Chell sprawled out near the campfire, trying to read a book and dozing off when you started talking, but the minute you did, she starts listening. Even though she's sitting not too far away, that doesn't matter.]

Good musical selection.

[She says when the song's over... And then she digs a package of marshmallows out of her pack and lobs one at your head. Heck. Why not? what's a campfire and camping without marshmallows? At least that's what her book said.]

[hard_talker]

Hey, thanks. [he catches the marshmallow and takes a bite out of it] I've gotta mix tape, too, but I'm savin' that for on the way back. Also brought a couple blank tapes to record anything interesting ...

[silentrunning]

[She eats one herself.]

What the hell is up with those huge fuzzy creatures with the hands for mouths, man? Is everything out here weird as hell?

[hard_talker]

Those're the Eyeless, or, as I like to call 'em, the whatta-fuckalo. I'd never seen 'em till now, but ... the hands aren't the freakiest thing about 'em. I'll just ... leave it at that since we just ate.

But yeah, everything's nuts out here. There's sheep with eight legs roamin' around, somewhere, too - we have one in the stables back at the castle. And I've read stuff about giant spiders, and zombie pigs. Those're down south, though, different direction. [he shudders] I wouldn't have even thought about going if I thought we'd be anywhere near those.

Mark forever

[lord_wizard]

You choose, of all things, what appears to be a rescue mission to be your first tour outside of the castle? [There's a not so subtle tone of disapproval there]

Felix, forever

[hard_talker]

I know how to defend myself, and how to hide, and how to club things in vital areas, now, you know.

Besides. ... I need to see if someone's out here.

[lord_wizard]

Well, if you aren't expert all of a sudden. Who do you need to find?

[dream_reality]

[Well now. He'd never expected to hear his name announced in such a... casual... fashion. Especially not sandwiched between people named Thorin and Ace. Ain't no thang, though.

Although...]

"Blanketeers"?

[hard_talker]

Yep. You guys got the blank journals. Hence, blanketeers. Welcome to Castle Wonderfuck.

[dream_reality]

That's an interesting subtitle for a place called Paradisa.

Mark

[deceptorius]

[Mark's show is literally the only thing she uses her journal for anymore.

Mostly because it's her only source of information. Dickheads.]

You guys are on another camping trip? For what?

Nancy

[hard_talker]

[shall we say he's packing to leave Fairfield when she pipes up?]

Jesus, don't scare me like that, I thought you got in deep shit for talking to me.

Mark

[deceptorius]

[Works for me! Nancy's tone is a bit more teasing now.]

Aww, you were worried about me? How sweet. Don't let Nora find out. She might get jealous.

Action

[cyan_maid]

Hoo hoo! Perhaps you should do live shows more often!

[Guess who's happy to see a friend out and about on the expedition!]

[hard_talker]

Maybe next time I can figure out how to bring more music without takin' up space in my backpack, look into one of those MP3 player things ... This wasn't half as bad as everyone makes it out to be. ... Then again, we haven't been attacked yet, either, so.

[cyan_maid]

Yes, you could store a lot more songs on an MP3 player than a collection of tapes any day. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothing. I don't think we've ever run into any real trouble until we reach our destination.

Mark

[courageous_wit]

I gave my adopted sister Phoebe my beaded bag. There should be a camera in there you can use, if you want. It's a non-magical camera so hopefully it will work for you out there.

Everything's quiet so far, but I'll keep you posted if anything changes.

Hermione

[hard_talker]

Oh, sweet! That's perfect. I'll ask her if I can use it on the way back. I did an interview with Dr. Brewer, got a lot of good info on tape from him for you.

Mark

[courageous_wit]

Thank you so much, Mark. I look forward to hearing what he had to say.

Dictated

[babyaliendaddy]

Some fucking guy fell from the ceiling and squished me and my goddamned chicken sandwich!

[hard_talker]

Jesus, that's a new one. You okay?

[babyaliendaddy]

Yeah, but my sandwich totally bit it. Don't worry, I gave him the downlow.

[lucre]

Why do you call it Wonderfuck?

[hard_talker]

Some guy who was here when I first arrived called it that, and I liked it so much I started usin' it. No idea where he got it from, though. His name was Travis.

[lucre]

A fitting name, I think. We must cease calling it Paradisa altogether.