064. Down By the Seaside

[samson]

[Dictated somewhat lazily.]

Alright, I haven't mentioned this in awhile and with the like... revolving door policy the castle likes to do, figured I should say something. Name's Brock, I have a little bit of land sort of southwest of the castle, off the main road to the city.

There's a community garden there if you don't feel like wishing for food or paying the townspeople with fake magic money. Which I totally get, by the way; it feels a little, uh... dishonest. Anyway, the garden's there for anybody who wants to use it. Just don't take everything without putting some work in too, alright?

I got a greenhouse too, in case you want to grow something out of season. There's also a smokehouse but I don't want anybody putting weird mystery meat in there so that's sort of off-limits, okay?

That's about all I wanted to say.

[A pause. Apparently he remembered something else, so--]

Oh, uh, if you see a little dude around the garden, that's just Frodo. So don't scare him or anything. He works for me.

[Vereesa.]
Hey. I'm guessing you went with everybody on that expedition, right? You back yet?

Comments

[dog_eat_dog]

[Ah, Tess remembers those old days of gardening, trying to make supplement their ration diet with something that didn't come out of a can. She'd had six big tupperware bins on the balcony of her apartment, full of soil and fertilizer –– contraband, of course –– and trying to grow something, anything that would take the edge off of corned beef and beans in tomato sauce. It hadn't lasted long. It was far more work than the payoff was ever worth.

And now she's just ticked, hearing this.]

Let me get this straight. You live in a luxury magic castle that can feed you the best food on the planet, and you want to dig around in the dirt to grow your own tomatoes?

[samson]

Yeah. The luxury magic castle tries to kill us sometimes, so, you know. I figure the less I depend on it, the better.

[dog_eat_dog]

There's a risk of dying no matter where you are. Ever heard of hurricanes? Disease?

[samson]

Hurricanes and disease don't grant magic wishes.

[dog_eat_dog]

It's a goddamn castle, magic or not. It's not like it has any human concept of give-and-take.

[Tess has been here for two weeks, watch her act like she knows everything.]

[samson]

[Oh, you're... new.]

Yeah, it kinda does. Little over a year ago, everybody who wished a lot got screwed up super bad. I don't wish for shit if I can help it and nothing happened to me.

[dog_eat_dog]

I don't buy anecdotes as the truth.

Screwed up how?

[samson]

[Doesn't buy anecdotes but unquestionably trusts magic murdercastle... ok lady.]

Sickness. Headaches. My wife got migraines so bad she couldn't even function.

[dog_eat_dog]

[Shhh.

Tess is rolling her eyes on this end.]

Are you sure it wasn't just the flu going around?

[samson]

If it was, it was a really specifically selective flu. I don't believe in coincidences.

[It's actually more like being a spy for half his life has made Brock paranoid enough to connect everything to everything else, but. Details.]

Anyway, the castle's an asshole and I don't trust it.

[dog_eat_dog]

Suit yourself. I'll be over here ordering steak dinners from my bed.

[samson]

Yep. Plenty of people do.

[dog_eat_dog]

Right.

[molotov]

Are you sure you shouldn't just shut the fuck up when you do not know what you are talking about?

[THAT SUPER ANGRY RUSSIAN VOICE MUST BE THE WIFE!]

[dog_eat_dog]

[Wife or not, Tess isn't cowtowing to some gardener's housewife.]

Oh, go back to nursing your migraine.

[molotov]

The migraine is long gone. It has been replaced with a need to introduce my Kalashnikov to your face. Why don't you come to the reserve so I can get right to "nursing" it?

[dog_eat_dog]

Not interested, I don't deal with irrational bitches.

[molotov]

Then you must be in dire need of a psychiatrist, to not deal with yourself. It must be hard to be insane and stupid.

[dog_eat_dog]

Are you serious? Go back to grade school with that "I know you are but what am I" shit.

[molotov]

Am I serious? You do not question that the castle can grant your every petty little wish, that you can eat whatever delicacies you want, but you think it does not ask for something in return? Let me guess, you haven't discovered your loss yet. I can help: it was obviously the two brain cells you had before you got here, because the castle can be just as mean as it is kind.

But you will learn that when you spend time as a doll, or unable to stop singing and dancing and humping everything you see. Maybe this will be the year that the monster comes back and kidnaps all the children again! Let's see how much you trust the castle when the trees bleed.

[dog_eat_dog]

[Tess is zeroing in on one thing there.]

Petty? Nothing I ask for is petty. You can go fuck yourself.

[molotov]

You first, pig-bitch. If you do not think a steak is a petty wish, then you should be ashamed of your priorities. Do us all a favor and wish to be sterilized so that you can never breed.

[dog_eat_dog]

You don't know jack shit about me. Now fuck off before I get tempted to put a bullet in your head.

[molotov]

[Molotov laughs, tickled by the idea.]

Try it. I dare you.

[dog_eat_dog]

I've got no problem with that.