064. Down By the Seaside

[samson]

[Dictated somewhat lazily.]

Alright, I haven't mentioned this in awhile and with the like... revolving door policy the castle likes to do, figured I should say something. Name's Brock, I have a little bit of land sort of southwest of the castle, off the main road to the city.

There's a community garden there if you don't feel like wishing for food or paying the townspeople with fake magic money. Which I totally get, by the way; it feels a little, uh... dishonest. Anyway, the garden's there for anybody who wants to use it. Just don't take everything without putting some work in too, alright?

I got a greenhouse too, in case you want to grow something out of season. There's also a smokehouse but I don't want anybody putting weird mystery meat in there so that's sort of off-limits, okay?

That's about all I wanted to say.

[A pause. Apparently he remembered something else, so--]

Oh, uh, if you see a little dude around the garden, that's just Frodo. So don't scare him or anything. He works for me.

[Vereesa.]
Hey. I'm guessing you went with everybody on that expedition, right? You back yet?

Comments

[samson]

[Wh...

Buddy, put your girl on a leash or something.....]

Uh... yeah. Not specifically related to wishing, but, uh. I try not to trust magic things that try to kill me and feed off my emotions.

[focusrighthere]

[Not really how it works between us, pal.]

It tried to kill you?

[Jesus.]

[samson]

Yeah, it does that sometimes. [He sounds pretty blasé about it, though.]

Castle has a couple hobbies. One, it likes to put us in really freakin' fucked up situations. Sometimes people go nuts and kill each other. Or like... shred themselves up. Whatever. It's a thing.

Two: it likes to put us in really awkward "fun" situations. These aren't so bad if you're, like, a kid. Or a moron.

Three: Sometimes we go on "magical vacations" [One can practically hear him waving his hands condescendingly.] to different worlds. Which may or may not actually be literally different worlds; they might just be fake impossible magic cities this place dreamed up. Anyway, those can also include the first thing or the second thing. Sometimes both! It's like an exciting adventure every time 'cause you just don't know if you're gonna see something stupid or something that's gonna kill you.

[Brock's usually not this chatty, but these people sound like they're both brand new and from someplace super jacked-up. Which makes them extremely vulnerable to the castle's special brand of bullshit.]

[focusrighthere]

[A long and uncomfortable silence stretches on. He's gonna kill Tess. He's gonna kill the castle. He's gonna kill somebody.]

... well, perfect.

[So much murderous, quiet rage in two simple words.]

Just perfect. "Paradise" in exchange for this bullshit, is that how it goes?

[dog_eat_dog]

[Tess is still eating her cake, though it's with an unhappy look.]

[focusrighthere]

[TESS THE LOOKS HE IS THROWING YOUR WAY THE LOOKS YOU ARE GETTING]

[dog_eat_dog]

Don't give me that look, Joel, I will wipe it off your face.

[She picks at her cake. Nah, it doesn't taste good anymore. It just tastes like regret. Businesslike:]

Brock. Has living off the land actually made it so the castle targets you less, or do you just do it to feel better?

[samson]

[While they are weirdly staring at each other, Brock answers Joel.] Pretty much. Kind of a misnomer, right?

[Oh, and then the lady... Tess? ... speaks up, so.]

No, it's pretty much an equal opportunity magic torture castle. It screws with people to make them feel angry or sad or whatever 'cause that's how it eats. But like hell I'm gonna willingly crawl to it and take its scraps like a kicked dog.

[focusrighthere]

[Yeah, threaten him just because he was right. Lots of heavy sighing on this end, starting now and continuing until he's forced to shut up and process new information from Brock.]

That's how it eats?

[Just, what the fuck? No counter-looks, Tess, listen to how that sounds. He knew it was an all-powerful magic castle, no matter how crazy that sounded, but he didn't know that it fed off despair like something out of a horror science fiction novel. He didn't know it forced them to fight to the death or tried to kill them or any of the other really bad things he's just been told.]

No matter what, I think you've got the right idea.

[dog_eat_dog]

[Eats?]

So why is no one fucking informed of this shit when they get here? We've been here for two and a half weeks now and this is the first I've heard of this shit.

[samson]

Yeah. Any kind of emotion, that's what it eats. It's like a symbiotic thing. Castle gives you anything you want, but you're basically cattle.

[Anyway, squints. Brock doesn't do the whole welcoming committee thing a lot, but he usually tries to cover the basics. Magic castle, unlimited wishes, something taken from you, eats emotions. Kind of simple.]

I don't know about that. We don't really have any kind of, uh, official delegation to welcome new folks. Like it seems like pretty much whoever got to you first didn't give you the whole story, but some people don't believe everything, or maybe nobody told them either. It's hard to keep track of who's new, who's been around for what...

[focusrighthere]

[Yeah, real simple. Joel is shaking his head, slowly, at every single word that he's hearing. It sounds like such a pile of bullshit, but he's already seen magic with his own eyes. He doesn't know what to believe or what to expect anymore.]

And it doesn't make any kinda difference where you live or what you do? It's just gonna do whatever the hell it wants?

[He needs to hear that one more time. If that's the case, the urge he feels to fucking flee can settle down a little bit. Just take Ellie and Tess and go, run for the hills. It's what he's used to when danger pops up, but what the fuck was he supposed to do with this?

He doesn't know.]

[dog_eat_dog]

[Tess puts her plate in the sink, and then takes it back and puts it in the dishwasher. Fucking regret cake. She has nothing to say about this, so she just fumes.

She's also going to flay Ellie alive for not telling them this shit, or not figuring out this shit with her two-week advance. Fuck.]

[samson]

Yeah... not really. Sometimes stuff happens that only affects the castle itself, but that's super rare. But for the most part, it's gonna screw with you no matter what.

The price we pay for just the chance to have infinite wishes. [He's been pretty calm thus far, but he sounds pretty bitter here. Place sucks.]