paradisa | Fourth Flake [dictated]

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elsa

Fourth Flake [dictated]

I have a question, for those of you here who have been trapped in Paradisa for some time now.

[There's a pause, and when Elsa speaks again, she sounds a bit awkward. Nervous.]

I realize that the last time I made an entry of my own into these journals, I started off much the same way. And before I address my query... I'd like to apologize for that day. I shouldn't have brought such emotion into a public forum. I should have kept to myself until I had a better hold on my emotions.

[Yep. She's apologizing for getting upset over someone close to her disappearing. Typical Elsa. ANYWAY. She clears her throat.]

Anyway... I've had this question on my mind for a few weeks now. Is it common for people returning to this land to... forget things? Not from here, I've been told that is very common, so I'm not worried. But what about important things from home?

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Of course. It's very possible that certain things from home may be their price for being here.

[Right. The "price". She knew about it - her sudden strange vulnerability to cold was enough to clue her in - but... she didn't think the price could be something like that.]

That... that's horrible. [Elsa really sounds horrified at the idea.] Why would this place take memories from home like that?

It takes anything that is considered precious or of great importance. That is simply what it does. It provides comfort and luxury at a cost it deems worthy. [A dark chuckle.] Or so it seems.

But manipulating someone's memories like that... [Elsa... doesn't quite sound disgusted, but it's easy to tell that the idea doesn't sit well with her at all. And why would it? Poor Anna had to deal with her memories being taken once already... even if a part of Elsa is happy that her little sister doesn't remember some of the things that happened in the fallout of her coronation, the more reasonable parts of her are rightly angry at the castle for putting Anna through this again.]

Memories are priceless. Even with all the things this place has to offer... it's not worth it.

Many would agree with you. After all, were we given the choice, hardly anyone at all would reside within its walls. We did not come here of our own will. We are its prisoners, and perhaps our "fee" is simply another "punishment" we must endure until one finds a way out of this place.

And... that's not likely to happen in the near future, is it? I've heard that many people here have been trapped for some time now.

[Herself included. And even when she thought she had escaped...]

No, it isn't. And I don't suspect it is something that will be figured out soon. You may sooner leave this place of Paradisa's choosing rather than of your own. Still, we do not stop searching for a way out.

I see...

[There's a pause, and when Elsa speaks again, she seems somewhat... uncertain.] And do those who are still searching require assistance?

Certainly. We could always use more ideas and perspectives. You need only create a filter in the journals to interested parties.

Yeah, memory losses happen a lot. People just...forget something or someone very important to them.

I just... don't understand it. For a place that tries to come off as some sort of paradise, the fact that it so easily takes people's memories...

There should be some sort of limit to the things one can take from a person.

I've never got it either. I mean, what's the point in messing with people's memories? I get it feeds on emotions and whatever, but memories should be, I don't know, sacred or something.

Some people believe that manipulating one's memories is acceptable when it can benefit that person. That it might be good for them.

[The way she talks, with an almost bitter tone in her voice... it's clear that it's not just her listening to rumors or tales.]

But you're right. Memories are sacred. Taking something that a person might treasure above all else is just unacceptable, even if it means entering a so-called "paradise".

That sounds like a whole lot of bullshit to me.

[He can hear that in her voice, and isn't sure if his opinion will help any, but gives it anyway. Not like he has much choice there.]

Don't get me wrong, this place is better than home, but it's still not worth having your head played around with.

I... would not have put it so crudely, but yes, I agree.

[A pause, and though Ben can't see it, Elsa frowns.]

Your home must not have been a very nice place, if you prefer to live here.

My home was a nightmare. This place can be cruel, but at least I can sleep at night here, without being afraid somethings gonna come and kill me in the night.

That's my loss. Memories of someone... who meant a lot, back home.

[... Oh.]

... I'm so sorry to hear that. [She genuinely does sound it, but she also sounds a bit scared; god, what would she have done if she lost her memories of Anna? Or vice versa? She can't even think about that.]

Were you.... is it possible to regain those memories?

Not sure. Not unless... my loss changes, I don't think. Have people here... who do know her, still remember her. They've told me some.

Not the same, exactly, but it's something.

[And she hopes that that can give Elsa some sort of relief from whatever it is she's worrying about that caused this journal entry. Cass doesn't necessarily want to pry, but...]

Are you okay, Elsa?

I...

[She has to stop herself from saying I'm fine. Even after working for a while at becoming more open, it's hard to push down an instinct she's had for over a decade. It would be so easy to just try to brush this off as nothing bad, as something she's just curious about... but she won't get better that way. And she wants to get better... and getting better meant learning to confide in others, even if it scares her. Not just Anna.]

I don't know. I'm... confused. And not sure how to feel about all of this.

It's okay. It's weird, shouldn't expect it... to all fit, right away. Can I help?

[Looking back, Cass wouldn't have minded having someone to talk to about missing parts of her memory and what that felt like, what she was missing. She can't really do anything about that now, but maybe she can help Elsa, do something to make her feel a little more at ease.]

I'm not sure if there's anything you can do. Help me gather my courage, maybe?

[She lets out a shaky sigh.] I just don't know how to go about explaining the things my sister doesn't remember.

Just be honest. Worst you can do... is hide it, or lie. Might think, it's best that way. For her own good. It's not. Will only upset her.

[She's assuming this, of course. All she really has to go on is her own experience with the whole thing.]

I know. No matter what, I'm never going to lie to her. Not anymore.

[Her words both before and after she say this may be full of nervous uncertainty, but that? That she says with a firm, unwavering resolution.]

It's just... I'm... [Say it. Just say it, Elsa. Spit it out and move on.] I'm scared. [There. That... honestly took a lot out of her just to admit.] The things that happened that she doesn't remember... I'm worried that there's a chance that she'll react differently when she hears them.

It happens all the time. You'll find lots of people here who have lost memories of their home.

[Conan was one of them, himself. Although that was something he would never admit to out loud. His own lost memories were not something he could admit to without admitting that he was not truly the child he appeared to be.]

It's common... [Elsa can't hide her tone of disbelief at his words.] If I hadn't talked to so many people already, I don't think I'd be able to believe that.

You could try to survey the castle on their losses. But most people don't like talking about them.

It's common enough. I'been here years, and I had a friend here before that had every memory related to something very important back home vanish. It can be subtle too.

He didn't know until someone told him.

So if someone told him... did his memories eventually return? Or is it just a matter of him trusting that the person who told him was telling the truth?

He had no choice but to trust. But I never would have lied to him about something like that.

[Her tone is amused and incredulous. She never really understands why people apologize for such small "transgressions." Like. At all.]

You're apologizing for getting upset?

[Not that Meg is big on emotions herself, but since the last time she was brought back, she hasn't exactly had a handle on them. It's more humiliating than something she's actually sorry for, though.]

Edited 2014-04-29 00:02 (UTC)

[And, unsurprisingly, Elsa's tone is a bit nervous as that one specific bit of her entry is brought up.]

Of course. It was all a bit... dramatic, now that I look back on it. I wanted to apologize in case I annoyed everyone with my lack of control.

[Meg smirks to herself and shakes her head, and her tone takes on a curious quality. She's getting nosy.]

Pretty sure most people have bigger problems than worrying about anyone else's little outbursts, though. And if they don't... well. That's just kinda sad.

Memories are the most common loss, seems like. That used to be mine.

"Used to be"? [Now that gets Elsa's interest.] So is there a way for those memories to return?

It seems, but nothing I would recommend. I was knocked out and experimented on. My loss was different when I woke up weeks later.

Experimented on?! [Unsurprisingly, Elsa sounds absolutely horrified.] Just how bad do things get here?

As bad as your nightmares can summon. As good as your dreams.

That's... quite a broad range. And a bit frightening to think about.

[Because her nightmares have put her off sleeping more times than she can count over the years.]

Less so if you come to expect the unexpected.

It's pretty common to lose memories of people from home--that happened to a friend of mine.

Sometimes, though, the Castle takes things that are important, too.

I would rather see it take a thing rather than a memory. Memories... [A sigh.] Those are things that should never be tampered with.

[Sheena sighs with her.]

No, they shouldn't. They're a part of who you are--what makes you, you.

[It's something Raine had to remind her of, and something that Sheena, ironically, hasn't discovered has happened to her yet.]

Wait, is this about me and the whole confusing thing we haven't really talked about since the actual confusing thing happened? Not to make assumptions or anything of course-- I'm sure there's tons of people you know that are in the same boat if it really is that common-- It's just, y'know, I wouldn't mind talking about it? Even if it is confusing.

Edited 2014-05-01 05:05 (UTC)

[... Aw crud, she forgot to do the thing that made it so Anna couldn't see this, didn't she? She didn't think it would be a big deal, but now she feels kind of awkward...]

... Yes, it is. I'm sorry we haven't really talked about it yet. I just... wanted to see if I could find some answers, first.

[ Sorry, Elsa. Your sister might be a little fluffy-headed sometimes but it doesn't mean she can't be perceptive from time to time! ]

You don't need to apologize, it's not like it's your fault I seem to be missing a few important details. I really did try to remember, it just stops there-- Right outside your castle.

But that doesn't matter, not really, right? What matters most is we have each other now. Besides, you can fill me in on the missing details whenever you're ready.

Of course it doesn't matter!

[Said a bit too quickly. She just needs to make sure that Anna knows that this changes nothing with her.

... Well. It may cause a bit of dread to wedge itself in her gut at the thought of having to tell Anna about their near-death experiences, but. She doesn't have to deal with that right now, at least. Or... so she hopes.]

But it shouldn't be about when I'm ready to talk. You're the one affected here, not me, so... it should be about when you want to talk.

Sure, I'm the one effected, but it's not like I can even remember what's effecting me. [ She just writes the whole ordeal off as no big deal. This is partially for Elsa's sake, but she also meant what she said about their being together being most important. ]

I didn't really want to bother you about it, it seemed important but I guess I just figured you'd tell me when you were ready. [ A large part of her is so used to Elsa not talking to her, that to pry would seem necessary. Or worse, burden her already troubled sister. ] So, I'm all ears-- If you're ready, of course.

[She's not ready. The thought of telling Anna the truth - that she had nearly killed her yet again - sent her stomach twisting into uncomfortable knots, and a fine layer of frost gathering along the pages of her journal.

But Anna deserved to know. Even if it meant that she might be upset with Elsa... those are the burdens that Elsa would have to bear for her actions.]

Would... would you prefer it if we talked about this in person?

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