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allen walker

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[There is a long silence as he thinks of what to say to his journal. This has been an issue that's been racking his mind for a long time, for the past several weeks...no, long before then. Over and over in his head, trying to think of the right choice...and only coming to one]

I hope I'm not wrong.

[He takes a deep breath]

It'll hurt...but it'll be better for him- for all of us.

I wish things hadn't come to this. ~~I still lov-~~

It's the right thing to do.

[Crowley]

[There's some hesitation before he calmly dictates. It's the sort of calm that someone is clearly trying to force themselves to be, to hide fear and anxiety]

I...I'm sorry to bother you, but...

I might need a place to stay for a little while. Will...would it be all right with you if I...if I stayed there for a little while?

[Arthur]

[With his filter to Crowley out of the way, he decided it was time to finally stop being a coward and go through with this. He had waited for a day when everyone was out of the house, so they could be alone. Waited until a time when it wasn't bad for Arthur. But finally...he'll be politely knocking on the door that Arthur is in, swallowing]

Arthur...

I'm sorry, but can I talk to you?

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[He sees through that fake calm in a hot second]

I guess I can pull out the sofa bed or something.

What happened? Or is this a thing we're not going to talk about?

[Of course you can, but he's still gotta try!!]

Thank you.

[a pause] I'll...I'll explain it later, okay?

I suppose so.

Just remember the house rules. No being nice to the plants and don't move my stuff around. [You know, the rules EVERYONE HE KNOWS consistently break]

I'll do my best to remember, don't worry. [that's cause they love you Crowley]

Good.

I'll set up some space for you then, I guess. [So worried but never admitting it, NOPE]

Than- [Stops since the consistent thanking would probably freak him out more]

I'd appreciate that.

I'm...I'm not sure how long it will be until I come over, so...don't feel like you have to wait for me, okay?

Wasn't planning to anyway.

[But there will be food in the kitchen, for a change, and a bed laid out. All perfect for you, Allen]

Mm...of course.

Yes. I am not busy.

[Not terribly so, anyway. He sets the book aside and waits for Allen to come in]

[He steps into the room, closing the door behind him. They are alone in the house but..who knows if someone might come home]

[When he turns to face Arthur, his stomach feels like it has lead in it. He swallows a little]

It's about us.

I...[his throat catches and he takes a deep breath that's a bit shaky. What he'd give to turn back the clock many months] ...This isn't working. We know that...don't we?

[he stalls, from where he was about to get out of his chair to greet him properly. The only thing that registers is surprise. He hadn't expected this from Allen at all, especially given the behaviour he was prone to in the last couple of months.

He swallows hard and reseats himself, relief lingering in the motion. It was cowardice maybe, behaving like a jerk as if that would alternate the out come, but...Hurting him seemed harder than admitting they were just fooling themselves. Paris had been a one time reprieve to their troubles, they'd long past the ability to ignore them]

We do. It hasn't been, for a long time.

I know.

[He hadn't been blind to it. Allen knew they had problems, knew that they had changed. The problem was...he didn't know how to fix those problems, what to say or do to make it better. No matter how much he tried, it usually seemed to be the wrong course of action]

I still care deeply for you, Arthur...more than I have anyone else. But...this hasn't been working for as you said, a long time, and maybe...

Maybe it's time we stop trying to...force it to work.

I did not expect this from you. To give up, quite so easily.

[Unfair, maybe. He doesn't like the idea of giving up, of doing this modern thing of walking out as if it had never happened. Having Allen do it...Quite so easily makes him automatically want to dig his heels in]

[It hurts, he admits. This entire thing hurts. ]

Arthur...we've been trying for months. And it hasn't worked. You know that.

If anything, maybe us being stubborn and refusing to leave...it's only made things worse.

[It's telling, he supposes, that in a way the worst part isn't even that it's over, but that it hurts, and he can't seem to find that in Allen.

Slamming the walls up and ignoring it are easier, common mechanisms for him, but it's been awhile, trouble not withstanding, that he's had to use it with him. This is stupid, he knows it is, it's what he wanted. It's what he wanted when he'd inwardly rage every time Allen expected him to be strong over his death, okay, and like before, the anger that never really left. It's what he wanted when he realized a part of Allen is always going to grieve for him, because of that memory.

But he doesn't want at the same time. He liked the team work, having someone who didn't see King Arthur in his every move or word, at...Well, it doesn't matter any more. He runs his fingers over his lower lip and turns away, dismissive]

Is that it, then? You decided it didn't work and you wished to inform me? Because you have done so, and you can go now.

[He knows what Arthur is doing, shutting off his emotions. And while it's understandable- he can't stand to see it. Maybe he's been trying so hard to be composed, a large part of what took him so long to do this at all, but inside he feels like a disaster. His fists clench some, and his tone get a note of frustration and upset]

Is that it, then? This is your reaction? I'm...I'm leaving you, and you can't even...show that you're mad or upset about it?!

Yell at me, demand why, tell me I'm an idiot or coward...throw something- anything!

[He's not even sure why he's asking this, this could be an easy out right now. But he just...can't stand it]

Edited 2012-03-03 08:36 (UTC)

[A sharp, short laugh and it's bitter, and it hurts, and it bubbles up his throat like bile before he can even help it. He gestures grandly around them, the room and their life and how it's all shambles already]

What for, Allen? What difference would it make? Knowing why changes nothing. You came in here, without a greeting or so much as a by your leave, and told me you were leaving.

You have made up your mind, and I know well enough to know nothing will change it. If my anger would make it easier for you, or my sadness than...

I apologize, but I am not interested in making this easier for you.

It's not about making it easier! Easy is walking out the door right now or pretending to feel nothing! It's about-

[Reassurance that this is hard, that this is painful. Not easy, not something that can be calmly discussed and sorted like it's a errand. But he chokes back his words, swallowing hard before shaking his head]

Fine. Forget it.

Then what is it about? An assurance of how I feel? That I do not think this is a good idea after all?

[There's a pause, and there's anger underlining his words. He wishes it doesn't as if he's being so malicious about this. But it's all he has]

I've certainly never lied to you before. I've no wish to start now. I have wanted this for quite some time now.

I was simply waiting.

Edited 2012-04-12 05:31 (UTC)

Waiting-

[He grits his teeth a little, his muscles clenching. How long was quite some time? If that's the case, why didn't he- ]

[Because he made a promise to stay, that's why. He remembers that. Arthur didn't want him, hasn't for quite some time. He was simply being the honorable person he was, sticking to a promise. Was that it?]

[He moved towards the door, wanting out of here. Wanted to breath, wanted distractions, wanted- anything to distract him from this growing feeling that yet again he was unwanted.]

I see. Well...[he swallows again] Thank you. For...keeping to your word...you're...you're free of it now.

Edited 2012-04-12 05:47 (UTC)

[He's crossed between incredibly hurt, and far more angry than he was at the start of this. Blind sided by some action that he wasn't ever resolved in, like a coward]

Is that what you think of me? That this is why I stayed?! [Here, the book he's been reading he's throwing at him, aiming to hit him square in the back of the head. No, now he's not at all finished with this]

How dare you suggest...Everything I have done to make this work, is for some-

[He'd have pushed Allen into leaving, if he'd felt him unworthy of holding onto. Done it a lot harder, and with a lot more hints than simply being distant and moody] You do not see anything but you, do you?

[It hits him square in the head, he yelps and grabs the back of his head, turning back to look at him with both surprise, hurt and anger]

It's what you said, isn't it?! You've wanted this for some time now? That you were simply waiting? From how calm you are about all this- what other conclusion am I supposed to come towards?!

You think I only want to see me? I don't! But you don't show me anything of you! You don't talk to me, you pushed me away when I'd try! You don't lie, but you don't speak up with the truth either!

So what am I supposed to think of you?! What conclusion am I supposed to come to?! Tell me!

[He feels satisfaction, buried somewhere under the guilt of having brought the hurt to his face for something he'd done. Not simply a situation that had sky rocketed out of their control a long time ago]

Of course I am calm! I know better than to fall apart at any and every painful event, and force someone else to deal with the matter! I can see why this would be difficult to recognize, considering you have never done it!

[He snorts, and his mouth twists up slightly, in ugly amusement] And when, Allen, did you wish to know any of it?

Precisely the truth. Why I wish it to be over, and the feelings I hold for you are separate.

[His eyes narrow some, his rather volatile temper growing as he listens to Arthur's words ]

Yes, because you've been so doing so great all this time! You just keep everything pent up and try to ignore it - and then take it out on others when that doesn't work! At least I know how to pick myself back up!

[He knows his words are harsh, but with Arthur igniting his temper with his words, with that look - they keep falling out of his mouth] I always wanted to know! But you wouldn't have any of it!

Are you so sure about that? Since for a long time, it's felt like half the time you didn't even like being in the same room as me! It's all right if you admit it- I am leaving after all!

I did nothing of the sort![The cruel grin stays, and crosses his arms over his chest] I simply didn't share it with you.

Yes, precisely. It would have done no good to tell you. You could not stop crying about it, or becoming sad every moment I did something that was not as it was before. You would simply, once again, have made the entire thing about you.

I was...I am, angry with you. At times, it was more difficult to ignore than others. That does not change that...I feel great affection for you.

[He could come up with a lot of comebacks to it, even if some of the words ring true to him. He could still fight. But it's that grin, that cruel grin along with the words, that twists his stomach. So much that he has to look away.]

You say that, yet...

Was the pain I made you feel so great, that you're getting satisfaction out of all this? [That is seriously bad]

[The grin drops off at that reaction. He doesn't know why, Allen has always smacked him with humility and a dose of reality when he needed it, whether or not he'd wanted it.

But he's always been the sort of fighter that never quite figured out how to quit, or how to bow out gracefully. And his anger, once ignited has always been rather absolute. He takes some time to consider the question. If nothing else, he deserves honesty]

...Yes. When I had needed you most, you were not there. And I could not grasp it then and I certainly cannot now. I wanted- [A pause] I tried to give you everything you wished for, and it was never quite enough. You proved more selfish than I had thought you were.

[He's more quiet now, thoughtful, rather than spitting anger, but it's still there. Displeasure and sadness as well, in smaller doses. But he's still trying to keep a lid on it as is his way] And then you had the gall to simply give up.

[He's silent for a moment, letting those words sink in. They are true, he knows they are. Looking past on the months, he knows that much. He swallows, his voice somber when he finally speaks- but he keeps it calm]

...You died. I saw your body cremated and I said my goodbyes. After the things...they accomplished, I had no reason to believe you would come back. It's not that I didn't want you back...but wishing and hoping for those things is dangerous for me. So I went on as if you wouldn't.

But...then you did. You came back and you came back damaged. [...] I didn't know what to do. Not with myself and not about you. Not in the slightest. I became selfish in wishing for days to come back that never would...and hoping if I just held on long enough, things would get better on their own.

And I'm truly sorry for that. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I am sorry.

Though...it's more than just giving up, why I'm leaving.

[He knows he caused problems too, that he hadn't denied the things Allen had said. And that in some way, letting his anger become satisfaction in seeing him hurt...It was worse. But it still didn't change anything]

You should not have burned me. It...Changed quite a few things. It wasn't for the better. [He can give Allen that much. In case...In case anyone else they ever love has to endure what Arthur has] But I did come back, and once I had, your pain should have lessened! You should have-

[But he cuts himself off, takes a deep breathe and lets the explanation settle in. Let's the admittance and apology settle in, and soothe some of what he's felt for so long. It hurts, to know that if they'd done this a few months ago, when it'd have mattered...

He holds out his hand slowly] Come here.

[He's not really sure what to make of that thought, burning made things worse? how?] We did it because it was the tradition for Camelot. Did it really...make things worse?

[he shakes his head] I know. And it did in some ways but at the same time...emotions don't always cooperate, I'm afraid.

[he hesitates at the hand being held out, almost as if debating what he should do. But finally he'll come closer to him, reaching for his hand]

[He's not up for sharing that, not right now, maybe not ever. Even if it has made him angry and resentful, the urge to protect Allen at times has always been genuine. He's not ready to stop doing it yet] ...That was kind of you. Thank you, I suppose. But yes, it did. Do not do it again, alright?

[He curls his fingers around Allen's, and squeezes softly, before hauling him closer and moving to wrap around him in a hug. It might not be the best time for one, but they were friends first. And..He thinks they could use it. When he speaks, his voice is quiet]

I forgive you.

...All right. I won't, promise. [Burial was more his tradition anyway. But he knows right now, maybe isn't the best time to pry considering what was going on. Though...just what did Arthur suffer through because of that?]

[He is a little bit surprised by the hug, but it's not unwelcome. After a moment, he'll relax into it, resting his head against his chest where he can hear his heartbeat and sliding his arms around him to return the hug. His voice is quietening now too. If only they had done this months ago...]

...Thank you, truly. But even if you do...I will still have to leave.

Edited 2012-04-15 08:37 (UTC)

Good.

[Maybe one day he'll tell you. When all the wounds have healed, and they have to. But by then, he's hoping, it won't even matter any more.

When Allen returns the hug, he tightens his grip on him, sliding one hand up and down along his spine. A part of him can appreciate the irony, that at the end of everything, they can talk like the adults they're meant to be and put more of the right sort of effort into it, than all the times it would have made a difference. He's still quiet, because it keeps his voice even]

I still want you to. Just because I understand, or what you said of me is true, it doesn't change that I am angry. And I may...Forgive you, quite genuinely, but...

[It doesn't change that he needs the time away to heal. But he can give Allen that peace of mind, at least] You should tell me your reason, regardless.

...I know.

[He knows Arthur is still angry, still hurt. He doesn't expect that to change in the near future, as it probably shouldn't. These sorts of things take time after all. When he asks for the reason, he hesitates a moment before speaking, sorting out his thoughts]

It's partly for the things I've said before, that things aren't working But it's also...it's...it was Rhode arriving that made me realise. Realise that...even if I still trust you and know you would always try to be there for me...it's cruel for me to expect you to have to hide all the time, to have to fear and not live your life here as you wish...all on my behalf when we have so many troubles. And when you're still...trying to get a handle on things. You try to hide it but, I've seen it affecting you.

I'm not trying to run away or face all my problems all on my own, that's not it anymore. Maybe Rhode will leave or things will get better between us one day even if she does stay. But until then...I don't want to be a source of more suffering for someone I lo- [He corrects himself because now is not the time] I care so much for.

...I'm sorry.

[He means it, even if in a way he's not sure he should say it. It was shitty of him to close off, to push Allen away for petty reasons, or even for the few noble ones he's had. But that's who he is, and they both knew that. And a part of him will always feel silly for apologizing for something the other person was expecting to walk into.

That causes his hand to still, and his entire frame to tense up. He doesn't mean to, but he can't help it. Jesus fuck of all the reasons he hadn't wanted to hear, like perhaps Allen had found comforted in someone else...He hadn't realized something like this would top all of them. And maybe it wouldn't have, if he hadn't have died]

I...Suppose in this singular instance, I may be able to over look the fact that you are ignoring my own capability and desires, to achieve what you want.

[You've always read between the lines, and he just...Can't come out and say he still wants to help, still wants to be there for him despite everything. It hurts too much, and he's afraid it'll make him sound pathetic. Especially if he feels more than Allen]

[softly] I am too.

[Arthur wasn't one to apologize very often, Allen knew that much. Even now hearing one was surprising, comforting, yet saddening at the same time. What happened to the days where they never felt the need to apologize for fights? When they were nothing more than the butting of heads of two very stubborn individuals?]

[If he hadn't died, things probably would have been very different, no argument there. but Allen...has dwelled on that enough and he knows it. And for this, he'll read between the lines of what Arthur is saying - the tensing up, he knows he hurt him]

[He looks up at Arthur, always being the shorter one, cupping his check with a gloved hand] It won't be forever, I...I want to believe things will get better. And...you'll always be the person I see first in my mind when I want or need someone. That won't ever change.

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Allen

Crowley

Allen

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Allen

Crowley

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I AM SO SORRY ;;

ITS COOL

smack him allen he's a dick

/SMACKS HIM

...no i think he's still alive, try again

/THROWS TIMCANPY AT HIS HEAD

COOL THANKS, THAT WAS HIS IN THE DIVORCE

WHAT NO YOU GOT THE LION. TIM IS HIS BFF, HIS ~WINGMAN~

OH MAN REALLY? YES! also he's the trophy wife, he got everything. even your pants

But you can't even fit into his pants....

that's fine. he just doesn't want him to have them

god trophy wives suck

you know you love him

he does ;;

yes, good

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feel free to drop this sfddifg sorry i suck

that's okay I didn't need my heart tonight anyway