paradisa | 010 || dictated

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julia

010 || dictated

[Paradisa had always been a place that could easily make one feel out of sorts. Something was always bound to happen, randomly and unpredictably, without rhyme or reason. Recent events, namely the reappearance of Vicious, beyond anything else, had sent her into more of a tailspin than anything else that had happened here had. At a complete loss for another plan of action, with only one explicit goal to guide her, she'd gone along with Spike's plan to temporarily hide out elsewhere, anxious, waiting for who knows what. Until it became apparent that that plan wasn't even close to a temporary fix.

But, as fate may have it, the unexpected hadn't quite yet left her alone.

Not long after she'd returned to the castle, after she'd gone back to her room to collect her thoughts, she noticed the presence of something she'd never seen before as she shuffled some things around on her nightstand. A small, gently crumbled note that would appear ordinary and harmless to most anyone, but holds quite a significance for her. No, more than that; it holds a trigger, serves as the gateway to a whole host of images that start to flash through her mind. That day, so many years ago, when she'd been made an offer she knew she had to refuse, despite what she might have wanted. The one that now only exists in her memories.

Everywhere she turns, no matter what she does, the past only continues to be dragged up.

After a time, it's with a contemplative, carefully-chosen set of words that she speaks into the journal. Contemplative, but deliberate; there are no filters.]

Does the past truly define us? Are we only doomed to repeat ourselves? [Aaand a long pause.] Or is there a way to break free?

[[OOC: So, on quite a bit of a delay, Julia has finally discovered her Christmas present from the castle, the note she is being handed here. ~~Dun dun duuuuuuuun.~~ Open to all!]

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For some they can never escape their past.

[Funny you say that. It's a nice little verbalization of everything she's been feeling for a long time now, and a nice summary of everything that's happened in Paradisa.]

So it seems.

[ The same can be said for her, although it was more in relation to her life back home than in the castle. And really now, she's probably not helping. ]

A person can either accept their fate or attempt to change it. Although it tends to be pointless to try.

[In over three years, maybe her whole life, really, those words could not have been proven more true. She hasn't been able to find a way to escape, always running from the ghosts of her past that hunt her down, that haunt her. After so long, she's tired of it. If there's a way...--]

Maybe it is. [The pen pauses.] Maybe it isn't.

I remember a friend once told me that it is better to face whatever it is head on instead of running away. It's better to do what you can while you have the chance. [ There's a short pause before another sentence was added. ] I'm not sure if that is what you're hoping to hear, but it is a little more optimistic than what I would normally think.

[There's a definite resonance to that. An eerie one, really. How long had she spent running away, with no real resolution? Running away because her choices were limited? She'll chew on that for a good moment or two before writing back.]

A chance isn't always a guarantee.

[ Everyone had something to run from, to hide from. Even with her new body she still had to run from her own past. More than once she tried to end the nightmarish chase by sacrificing herself, but each time a voice of reason showed her another way. Even though she still lacked the will to believe in a future for herself she had to admit she foolishly dream about it. ]

That is one way of looking at a person's life though. A string of chances that a human takes leading to several possible outcomes. Some just have fewer possible endings than others.

If you work hard enough at it, and you keep your guard up, you can at least stop yourself from repeating what you've done in the past.

But I doubt any of us are truly free from it. It's what shapes us into who we are.

[More than anything, she'd like that cycle stopped. It's been dictating her life for entirely too long; Vicious showing up just cemented that. No, most likely, she'll never be completely free of it. That's a pipe dream as much as anything else. But if she can try to find a different course...--

She's definitely quiet for a solid minute or two before she says anything back.]

Have you had any luck?

I'd like to think so. I learned how to manage...everything. So long as I have access to the things I need to keep everything as I want it, I can keep on top of everything.

Most aren't quite as lucky.

No, I should thank my lucky stars or something.

[Vicious doesn't respond immediately, though it seems clear that she has decided not to hide from him any longer. It's been a very long time since he has heard her voice. Not since he'd delivered an ultimatum she had chosen to defy.

He could choose, if he wanted to, to play the part of the monster here, to taunt and frighten. But as much as he may usually pretend otherwise, he has some real emotions, warped though they may be, and her words dredge them up from where he has tried so hard to bury them. When he finally replies, his tone is quiet, measured. That cold calm that could so easily turn to rage.]

Do you believe anyone deserves to be free of past decisions?

[She'd been waiting for this. It'd been part of the reason she'd even spoken to the journal in the first place. Sooner or later, she'd have to face him, to find out what he's planning. She can't protect Spike if she stays in the dark, and that, beyond anything else, is the most important thing to her right now.

She knows the tone, but she won't be afraid of it. She'll stand her ground to the very last. It's a moment before she actually responds.]

Maybe in the chance to change the course of them.

[Even he does not yet know how things will play out. He and Spike are still at odds, to be sure, but their last meeting, what should have been their final meeting, had cooled his rage to some extent. Not so, with Julia. They've never had their reckoning. That makes this different, in a way. Raw, in a way that tests his control.]

Some things cannot be changed.

[There were choices that could not be undone, consequences that could be run from, but not avoided.]

[That she knows as well as anyone. All too well. For so long that she can barely remember any other way to live, she's been dogged by the consequences of her choices. Haunted by them.

But, ugly as they might have been, they were hers. The one thing she had in a life that wanted to mold you in a specific way, to let you hold nothing for yourself. And no matter what, even now, she will not let the option be taken away from her.]

Nothing's fixed.

No.

[He will agree on that point. There were always variables. More choices to be made.]

But some things must be atoned for.

[What she really desires requires forgiveness, and that is not something he is capable of.]

I believe there are some things from the past that we must accept as part of our history. I also believe in learning from the past, and that one can always better themselves.

In that way, perhaps it is similar to your idea of "breaking free."

[Learning from the past as breaking free. She carefully turns those words over in her head, considers them, before offering a response.]

But is it truly?

[A pause]

I think that would depend on you.

[ he takes a while to contemplate. ]

I believe that change is a marvelous, beautiful and necessary thing.

[ he needs to believe it, on some level. he makes a spot, as if about to write more, but stops. ]

[When those words appear on her page, she takes just as much time, if not more, for consideration. She wants to believe in this. More than anything. To believe that she isn't powerless to protect the one thing that matters most.]

Do you think it's possible?

Indeed. Believing that it is possible is the first step. You cannot continue to resent yourself for the past.

[ he is a hypocrite, of course. resenting himself for the past is par for the course for hm, even if he doesn't show it. ]

[Doomed. That's a little strong, isn't it? But she knows who is listening, as much as she knows a remark that pointed has a way of sticking. Although Spike may have his own opinions -- all that time spent wondering how the past he lost may have changed who he is now -- he wouldn't get in the way of her reasons.]

I bet you were hoping someone would have a straight answer. [Inappropriate moment for a joke, but at least it tells her that he's aware.]

Edited 2012-03-13 01:13 (UTC)

[The sound of his voice jerks her out of her reverie with a fair bit of force, and that's when the reality of this begins to hit her. Maybe she should've been more careful. Maybe--

Nevertheless, after a small delay, there's an upward quirk of her lips that she can't stop.]

I might have been.

[He's paying more attention to the rest of her conversations than he'll mention, but he keeps that veiled as well as he can. Julia has to expect it anyway.]

You know what I'd say.

[oh noooo. Julia, why you sound so sad. Ray frowns at the journal]

I don't think it does. I mean, ninety-nine percent of the time. Especially here -- you can do whatever you want to do with your life, msotly. As long as it doesn't hurt people, I mean.

... Are you okay?

[Because it's totally her default state of being, don't you know?

Like with the other responses she's getting, she'll take some time to think about it. You can do whatever you want with your life. But that can't be true. She'd never had that luxury. Even when she'd taken the initiative and made the choice to run, it hadn't been the one she wanted. It was the one dictated by circumstance.

She exhales a quiet breath.]

I'm all right.

Well, that's good. ... I haven't heard from you in a while, what've you been up to?

If you're determined enough, you can make yourself strong enough so that you'll never have to worry about it. You can escape any shackle.

What's the ball and chain?

[If only she could truly believe that. She'd like to. But she's hardly strong enough. Her best attempts at fixing messes have only led to more.

Over on her end, she casts a glance toward the note.]

I was curious.

Try again.

We have a choice. We don't have to make the same mistakes. As for escaping it? When you figure that one out, let me know.

[It's funny; because she feels like she's been doing nothing but making them. Paradisa has had a habit of throwing her past right back in her face at every chance it gets, of throwing her into situations with strange parallels. Like it thinks she needs a reminder every so often of the things that already continually weigh on her mind.

(That note had only been icing on the cake.)

So she won't hit that issue dead-on.]

I'll be sure to.

Something specific bring this up? Or just got too much time to think?

What if it's not a cycle or nothing's set? Then you can do anything.

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010 || dictated

written;

written;

written;

written;

written forever; - probably should have said that sooner

and ever! you're totally good B)

yaaaay! 8D;

Dictated forever

And ever!

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Dictated

Forever B)

And Ever. <3

<33

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dictated;

dictated;

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written

written

written

Julia

Spike

Julia

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dictated; Julia

dictated; Joshua

dictated; Julia

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