05 | baby butz | action

[thebutz]

Sage, no! Come back!

[How can these kids be so fast?! Larry is chasing after one of his two brand-new three-year-old daughters, who has apparently decided to take after her daddy and paint beautiful masterpieces... On the walls of the castle lobby. She's also managed to stay just out of reach of the out-of-shape Larry so far.]

Nick, help me!

I'd love to, but I'm a little busy!

[Phoenix, on the other hand, is struggling to catch another little girl who has decided that the large staircase is in dire need of some finger painting. He keeps managing to inch close enough to grab her arm, but he's too afraid of hurting her to do that, and so she continues wriggling up the staircase, slowly painting it with a big, blue stripe as she goes.]

Olive… I appreciate your color choice, but you can't paint the stairs...

...you know what, I give up. Paint the walls. [He flops down in a chair and watches as his daughters continue defacing the castle. Come join him, Phoenix!]

Comments

[thebutz]

Uh... About what? I mean we just put them in now right...?

[Surely he can do this...]

[takethat]

Yeah... I guess, so... into the water, huh?












You do it.

[thebutz]

...
...
...fine...

[He lifts the babies carefully into the tub, one at a time... And they immediately start wailing.]

...augh!!! Nick, what do I do now?! Make them stop!

[takethat]

I don't know what to do! Do you think the water's too hot or too cold or something??

[thebutz]

Maybe they just don't like it! I don't know! Ahhhhh!

[He lifts one of them out of the water and holds her close, unable to think of any other way to solve the problem... And realizes that they forgot to take the kids' clothes off.]

...NICK!!! We didn't take their clothes off! I can't do this!

[takethat]

Okay... okay!! Just take a deep breath!!

[He picks up his lookalike, Olive, from the tub as well and sets her back down (now crying and shivering) on the bathroom floor. He carefully removes her clothes and then sets her back in the tub, as gently as possible, and is pleased when she's only sniffling and wibbling instead of actually wailing.]

[thebutz]

[Larry does as he's told, and once he's calmed down enough to realize, yes, he can do this, he follows suit, and then places his newly undressed child back in the tub next to her sister. She, too, calms down a bit, but avoids Larry's gaze when he looks over her worriedly.]

Okay... Okay, we got that taken care of... So now what??

[takethat]

Soap? Soap should be the next thing, right? And don't get it in their eyes!

[He saw that on an ad for baby shampoo once.]

[thebutz]

Uh... Okay...

[He wishes up a bottle of the stuff and squirts some into his hand, then proceeds to massage it into Sage's hair very, very gently...]

...how's that?

[takethat]

Oh, that's good. Good job!

[He does the same, lathering up Olive's mess of hair and biting his lip as he tries not to hurt her eyes.]

[thebutz]

Okay so what do I do about the rest?

[He's just sitting there with his hands all soapy, looking pathetic... Definitely not cut out to be a dad.]

[takethat]

You have to soap the rest too!

[He wishes up a couple of loofa sponges and hands one over to Larry. It's orange.]

They're both covered in paint, so scrub that off.

[thebutz]

O-oh, okay...

[He proceeds to do so as gently as he can manage, and apparently succeeds?! Sage seems indifferent to the whole situation at this point and is just splashing at the water... And still covered in suds.]

I guess I rinse her now?

[He cups some water in his hands and trickles it as gently as he can on top of her head. Immediately she begins wailing again...]

Nick Nick help what do I do now?!

[He throws his hands up in the air, refusing to touch the baby until he gets some help. Go Nick go!]

[takethat]

Just... rinse her anyway! She can't sit there with soap in her hair forever!

[He's been following suit, and now that it's his turn to rinse Olive, he reaches for a cup from the nearby sink and dips it into the water, then pours it out over her hair. She looks as though she might also cry at any moment, but she's holding it together a little bit better than the overly-emotional Sage. Still, she whimpers with a pout]

Daddy...

[And Phoenix's heart melts.]

I-it's okay, Olive! S... sweetie! It's just a bath, it's good for you! And it'll be over soon!

[Everything is good and nothing hurts.]

CUTEST THREAD IS CUTEST

[thebutz]

[Larry continues to rinse Sage's hair and body as gently as he possibly can while attempting to comfort her and calm her down. Once he's finished, he lifts her up and holds her close. She's finally stopped crying, and is now snuggling into Larry's chest. He smiles at this and sets her gently down to dry her off and clothe her with freshly wished-up baby clothes. Orange ones. This accomplished, she climbs onto her lap and falls asleep there, thumb in her mouth.]

...Nick...

I want to be a dad forever...

[takethat]

[Phoenix is a little bit behind in his quest to clothe Olive, since she keeps pulling off every article of clothing he puts on her, shouting "NO!" to accent each one. With a little extra struggling, he finally manages to dress her--using the only shirt he could find, which happens to read "Future Lawyer, just like my daddy" and is very likely a product of the castle picking on him.]

I definitely agree with you on that, Larry...

[He eyes Olive, who is sitting placidly on the closed toilet.]



...hey, Olive. Can you say, "Objection!"

[She blinks back as he repeats the question a couple more times, then points her finger just like he is and yells]

Magician!!