this fight he cannot win

[impetuous]

[ Forward dated to Wednesday ]

[ clinic filter ]

[ Gwaine opens and closes his fist. The needle is stuck to his hand with some sticky white bandages. He cannot remember doing it, but apparently he tried to rip it out more than once. Finally, they practically bound his entire hand stiff.

He itches to get out of the bed, but the last time he tried he felt so weak and dizzy he almost collapsed. His head feels a lot clearer now, but his body is still heavy. Gwaine had been sleeping for the past few days. Not castle-induced, he'd been told, but drug-induced. To treat him for withdrawal, they'd said. He hadn't understood much of the explanation, but he got the gist. He drank too much; it was bad for him; stopping like he did could have killed him; resuming would probably eventually kill him.

Didn't seem like he could win any way he looked at it.

He returns to picking at the tapes. They left a dark grey sticky mark that does not come off no matter how much he rubs at it. Finally, he gives up and returns to staring out the windows. He catches sight of the journal out of the corner of his eye. Picking it up, he flips it open. Gwaine stops breathing.

The damn thing recorded him when he was out with his daughter and her sister.

Gwaine hurls it away from him. ]


[ room filter ]

[ Sneaking out of the clinic was almost ridiculously easy. He had half a mind to flee into the town and as far as he can get from the castle in his current state. Instead he is in front of Morgana's door. Gwaine has no idea what brought him here. No, that's a lie. He knows why he is here. He hates himself and feels like death warmed over so why shouldn't he seek out the one person here who can destroy him with a flash of green eyes?

She is dangerous. She does not need magic or steel. She is a weapon. A knife from her words to her body twisting in your wound as you already lay on the ground bleeding. Smooth and cold and sharp and beauteous. There are no happy endings. This isn't a song. And yet.

Vindictiveness lines in his actions as well. She will not want to see him. Some small and spiteful part of him wants her unhappy, wants her to feel even a shadow of what he does, wants to know he can drive her mad as she does him.

A smaller piece just wants to see her.

He is weak and she is vicious and this is treason and he will pay for this and yet. And yet. ]


[ Jo ]

I, uh...I need a place to lie low for a few days. Know of a good one?

Comments

[impetuous]

[ He glances at Allen and looks away. ]

Been for a while.

[ His voice sounds rough to him. ]

[save_the_souls]

[He takes a couple steps in]

How are you feeling?

[impetuous]

What was that thing we were in? Out in the Dead Zone that crashed? [ Weak attempt at humor. Even a smile is exhausting to maintain right now. ]

[save_the_souls]

A train?

[He'll let him save face. For now]

[impetuous]

That.

[save_the_souls]

Yes, well I'm hardly surprised about that.

[impetuous]

[ His only response, if it can qualify as such, is to resume tugging at the tapes. ]

[save_the_souls]

Please stop that, it could take out the needle.

[He stands at the side of the bed]

What happened, Gwaine?

[impetuous]

[ Deliberately misunderstanding. ]

No idea. [ He shrugs carelessly. ] Been unconscious for the past few days. Might want to ask that doctor that was here earlier. Man even knows how many times I breathe a minute. [ Which was kind of creepy by the way. ]

[save_the_souls]

Gwaine you are not that stupid, you know what I mean. What happened.

And I want the truth. No more runaround.

[impetuous]

Thanks for the vote of confidence in my abilities. [ The heavy sarcasm fades. ] But you're wrong. I really am that stupid.

[save_the_souls]

Gwaine!

FINALLY THIS ICON SEES USE

[impetuous]

I don't know! All right? I didn't know this was going to happen. If I had... [ There's good chance he'd have done it anyway, but he's not saying that out loud. ]

WOOOO

[save_the_souls]

If you had- what?

I don't blame you for not knowing that this could occur -a lot of people don't. But I'm trying to understand what is going on. [did he quit by his own free will, was he stuck in a bind that wouldn't let him? Allen sadly....is completely in the dark here]

[impetuous]

It felt like a good idea at the time. [ His laugh is wry. ] Just like every other decision I've made. I don't know how I'm still alive.

[save_the_souls]

Because we weren't going to let you die, of course.

[impetuous]

[ He laughs. ] I wasn't talking about you. But thanks for that.

[save_the_souls]

Gwaine...what is going on? Please, tell me.

[impetuous]

I told you. It seemed like a good idea. [ He shuffles down the bed so he's lying down instead of sitting up. Twisting the clear tubing around his free hand's fingers, he gives Allen his back. ] I'm tired.

[save_the_souls]

[UUUGH SO FRUSTRATING WHY MUST WE PROMISE TO DO NO HARM]

...Get some rest, then.

[impetuous]

[ House teaches do no harm?

If he could, he would. He did not lie; despite the time spent in bed, he is exhausted. His mind, however, races a mile a minute. If they were pleasant thoughts...

He remains on his side until he is certain Allen is gone. Turning over, he glances around to make sure no one else is around. Removing the needle from his hand would take too long, but yanking the tubing out of the half-empty bag hanging over his head takes none. He holds onto the end and coils it around his hand to keep from tripping on it. Standing up, he has to clutch the bed when all the blood rushes out of his head. When he is sure he will not fall, he starts walking, using the beds, the wall, and everything else in the way to correct his balance. His legs feel like they are going to give out any second, but he makes it out the door and down the hall. Leaning against a wall in the elevator for a moment, he props open the journal he retrieved. He filters to Allen one word, "Sorry," and lets it fall. He flinches when the needle rips out of his skin. Before leaving, he drops it all on top of the journal. The castle can take care of clean up. ]