(no subject)

[cloakand_danger]

[Private]

I used to know exactly who I was. I used to be able to define myself by all the things I promised myself I'd never become.

I'm no closer to becoming those things, but it feels like sometimes-

[an exasperated noise]

Forget it.

[/Private]

[Delirium]

You're still around, aren't you?

[/Del]

[For once, Yuan doesn't seem to be brooding or even making much of an effort to stand guard. He's lying on his back on the sand, watching the stars, journal open beside him as he waits for a response.]

Comments

[heal_theworld]

[Here, have a Martel leaning over you, blocking out the sky, a smile on her face.] Hello, love. I didn't think you usually star-gazed.

[cloakand_danger]

[He smiles back at her warmly, conspicuously missing the traces of hesitation he used to show.] Only when I'm feeling weirdly nostalgic.

[heal_theworld]

And what's got you in such a nostalgic mood, then? [She flops down next to him, staring up at the sky.]

[cloakand_danger]

Being out here, traveling with everyone. ...It's not the same as it used to be, but it's still familiar enough.

[heal_theworld]

I know. It feels good to be out on an adventure. ...I miss it, sometimes.

[cloakand_danger]

As do I. It's one reason I relish the opportunity of these expeditions so much.

[heal_theworld]

Because you get to leave the Castle, travel and have adventures? [She laughs.] I see what you mean. Though, it is nice have someplace to go back to.

[cloakand_danger]

I suppose that's true, too. [Although suddenly a pained look crosses his face, as his mind wanders to the ever-present possibility of returning home. He doesn't want to go, at all. Not now that he has everything here, not now that he's changed so much.]

[heal_theworld]

[She notices him and watches him for a moment.] What are you thinking about?

[cloakand_danger]

[He sighs, and is silent for a long moment, his gaze distant.]

...Knowing that one day you'll return, at least in some form...do you want to return home one day and face the future of our world that is to come?

[heal_theworld]

[She doesn't even hesitate.] Yes, I do. [She pauses and gives this a bit of thought.] To be honest I don't have much of a choice anyway.

[cloakand_danger]

...Sometimes I wonder. I know I don't have a choice, either, but... [He sighs.] I've been here so long...I know I'm a different person now than I was when I arrived. And to all accounts, when we do return to our actual worlds, we don't retain any memories of what we did, what we learned, who we met while we were here.

If I return home, I'll be the person I was when I left, not the one I've become while here.

[It's a lot like dying.]

[heal_theworld]

[She sighs right along with him, as she has no idea how to refute that, as he's right. So instead she just takes his hand in hers, and squeezes it, trying to offer some comfort.]

[cloakand_danger]

[Yuan squeezes her hand gratefully, smiling at her a little sadly.] Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin the mood.

[heal_theworld]

You did not ruin the mood. Don't be silly.

Thunder

[fishy_go_byebye]

Depends...

Del

[cloakand_danger]

...I'm not even sure what I wanted to say. I just...

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm falling apart, or only just noticing how broken I already was.

[It probably says something about him that Delirium is the only person he thinks to trust with this kind of conversation.]

Thunder

[fishy_go_byebye]

Even if I went 'twoudldn't be gone.

[She means it in a comforting way, her volume drifting even as she nuzzles the page.]

Del

[cloakand_danger]

Heh. I believe it, especially given the nature of residents in this place.

[A pause.] ...How have you been? We haven't spoken in a while.

Thunder

[fishy_go_byebye]

I think I found something, but the pool to put it in left to past the toe-disappearing upwards.

[A quiet sigh to that.]

You passed the line.

[cricketycricket]

... [Five has been keeping his distance from Yuan for the past few days, letting time and tide wear away most of his anger. now, though, with another day's exploring behind them, he thinks it might be a decent enough chance to come and have a talk. he pads up quietly, the sand shifting under his trainers]

... Quite the view, out here.

[cloakand_danger]

[Yuan looks up at him and smiles faintly. He hasn't forgotten he was mad at you, Doctor, but right now it just doesn't seem as relevant as it did then.]

It is, isn't it? I'm glad to get away from the halls of the castle for a while.

[cricketycricket]

As am I. It might seem strange to some - [and not to you, his tone implies] - but I never realize until I'm quit of the place and out past the Dead Zone, how very much less myself I feel within those walls.

[cloakand_danger]

...I'm starting to feel less myself outside them, too. Or sometimes I'm just not sure what 'myself' means anymore.

[cricketycricket]

[oh dear. that's a bit troubling. he frowns, concerned] Perhaps this was just what you needed, then - a bit of time out and away from it all to collect your thoughts?