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28 Blueprints -- Dictated
[This page is pretty quiet for awhile. There’s the background sound of a TV playing a movie, or what sounds like the ending credits at least. There’s the decisive sound of footsteps in the background, and a little closer to the journal, a light shifting of cloth against skin and the leather of the couch. And then there’s Ted’s voice.]
Hey, where are you going?
[there’s the squeak of rubber against the floor - which would be someone skidding to a dead halt. and that someone would be Barney Stinson.]
To the bathroom, Ted. Oh. My. GOD. [he paused for a second. anyone listening in might’ve even heard the brief intake of breath on Ted’s part - but Barney wouldn’t even let him get there.] It’s been. A. Week. Every day, I have hung around with you. Yeah, okay, the Star Wars marathon was cool until you decided to tack on the prequels for more couch time. And yeah, I’m not gonna fault you for the Elizabeth Hurley marathon - because hello ladies. But - correct me if I’m wrong, Ted. We went through every single Mario game ever this week, and I played Paper Mario with you, okay. Paper. Mario. A man has got to draw the line somewhere, Ted.
So yes, I am going to the bathroom. And when I come back out, I am going to get another beer so I can refill my bladder, and then you are going to tell me what the heck your deal is, Mosby.
Hey, Paper Mario was cool, okay? Just because it wasn’t as good... as decent... as... anyway, what do you mean, what the heck my deal is? In case you’ve forgotten, Barney, we’re best bros. And best bros do stuff with their best bros. [He makes a ‘DUH’ face at the other man.]
Bathroom, Ted. [and that’s all he gets before Barney shuts the door behind him and leaves him the better part of a minute to sort through his thoughts]
God. [Ted makes a face at the door, then looks down at the journal. Huh, it recorded all this? He’s not surprised, and takes full advantage of it.] You guys heard that, right? Seriously, is he PMSing or something?
No, he’s not, [Barney called out, over the sound of the toilet flushing. the water in the sink runs, faintly, and then he’s back out swinging - figuratively] Yes. Yes, bros do stuff with their best bros. But it doesn’t mean they practically move in together! Name one thing you’ve done all week that wasn’t with me. Besides sleeping, taking showers, and going to the bathroom. One. Thing.
Uh, I totally made breakfast for the both of us by myself. [LEGIT. But then he throws his arms up in a wide gesture, somewhat inhibited by the back of the couch.] So what, what’s the big deal?
You’re not a bro, anymore, Ted. You’re saran wrap on Thanksgiving leftovers, I can’t get you OFF ME lately. This is not the sort of behavior one foists on one’s bro. This is the sort of thing I’d expect from a -- [and a lightbulb pops out of thin air and falls on his head. he bends down and picks it up] 150 watt. Nice.
Yeah.
… Ahem. Ted? I have come to the root of your saran wrap problem. And as your bro, wingman, and resident life teacher slash guru, it is my solemn duty to inform you of it.
Oh yeah? What is it? Enlighten me.
You need. A chick. More than that? Dare I even say it, you need … a girlfriend.
What! I totally have a girlfriend, thanks!
A girlfriend, right. [the sarcasm’s dripping from Barney so thick that it’s amazing he doesn’t need a bib or something] Who? And how many times have you gone out with her?
Dude, I told you who it was, and for the last time, it was not a one night stand.
((Blue is Ted, Purple is Barney! Have at 'em, guys.
P.S. you should make fun of Barney for refilling his bladder.))
Hey, where are you going?
[there’s the squeak of rubber against the floor - which would be someone skidding to a dead halt. and that someone would be Barney Stinson.]
To the bathroom, Ted. Oh. My. GOD. [he paused for a second. anyone listening in might’ve even heard the brief intake of breath on Ted’s part - but Barney wouldn’t even let him get there.] It’s been. A. Week. Every day, I have hung around with you. Yeah, okay, the Star Wars marathon was cool until you decided to tack on the prequels for more couch time. And yeah, I’m not gonna fault you for the Elizabeth Hurley marathon - because hello ladies. But - correct me if I’m wrong, Ted. We went through every single Mario game ever this week, and I played Paper Mario with you, okay. Paper. Mario. A man has got to draw the line somewhere, Ted.
So yes, I am going to the bathroom. And when I come back out, I am going to get another beer so I can refill my bladder, and then you are going to tell me what the heck your deal is, Mosby.
Hey, Paper Mario was cool, okay? Just because it wasn’t as good... as decent... as... anyway, what do you mean, what the heck my deal is? In case you’ve forgotten, Barney, we’re best bros. And best bros do stuff with their best bros. [He makes a ‘DUH’ face at the other man.]
Bathroom, Ted. [and that’s all he gets before Barney shuts the door behind him and leaves him the better part of a minute to sort through his thoughts]
God. [Ted makes a face at the door, then looks down at the journal. Huh, it recorded all this? He’s not surprised, and takes full advantage of it.] You guys heard that, right? Seriously, is he PMSing or something?
No, he’s not, [Barney called out, over the sound of the toilet flushing. the water in the sink runs, faintly, and then he’s back out swinging - figuratively] Yes. Yes, bros do stuff with their best bros. But it doesn’t mean they practically move in together! Name one thing you’ve done all week that wasn’t with me. Besides sleeping, taking showers, and going to the bathroom. One. Thing.
Uh, I totally made breakfast for the both of us by myself. [LEGIT. But then he throws his arms up in a wide gesture, somewhat inhibited by the back of the couch.] So what, what’s the big deal?
You’re not a bro, anymore, Ted. You’re saran wrap on Thanksgiving leftovers, I can’t get you OFF ME lately. This is not the sort of behavior one foists on one’s bro. This is the sort of thing I’d expect from a -- [and a lightbulb pops out of thin air and falls on his head. he bends down and picks it up] 150 watt. Nice.
Yeah.
… Ahem. Ted? I have come to the root of your saran wrap problem. And as your bro, wingman, and resident life teacher slash guru, it is my solemn duty to inform you of it.
Oh yeah? What is it? Enlighten me.
You need. A chick. More than that? Dare I even say it, you need … a girlfriend.
What! I totally have a girlfriend, thanks!
A girlfriend, right. [the sarcasm’s dripping from Barney so thick that it’s amazing he doesn’t need a bib or something] Who? And how many times have you gone out with her?
Dude, I told you who it was, and for the last time, it was not a one night stand.
((Blue is Ted, Purple is Barney! Have at 'em, guys.
P.S. you should make fun of Barney for refilling his bladder.))
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[ Why is she surprised? ]
I can't.
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Why not?
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I don't drink. [ Can't. She hates it ]
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Soooo, a movie, then, maybe? [JUST GET HIM OUT OF HIS ROOM PLEEEEASE oh god]
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Why are you so desperate to set him up?
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Because listen to the man. He's more devoted than a sack of puppies. ... I just ... need to redirect the devotion a little so I can have some space. Since somehooooowwwwww he doesn't get the concept ever since we got back from Crazy Fake Magic Paris.
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The castle sent you to Paris? [ Her newness is showing ] And you can't lock him out? Get him to his own room?
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Yeah, it did - geez, you must be really new, that was for Christmas.
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Eight days.
Christmas in Paris? Sounds nice. What was the catch?
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