paradisa | everytime you close your eyes

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everytime you close your eyes

[ She wakes with a scream both parts rage and fear, scrambling from the bed of a room she barely uses. With a heavy thud she falls onto the floor, nails clawing at the floor, eyes wild darting around the room.

She has a mouth.

She has a mouth, she can speak, she can move.

Trembling she brings her hands up to her face and just watches them, tightening them into fists to see to see. Yes, yes, they are there. They are. She isn't imagining it. She isn't trapped any longer.

Morgana laughs brokenly, touching her face experimentally before hugging her arms closer to herself. She had spent so long unable to move, unable to talk, unable to scream. It felt like she was watching the world from behind unbreakable glass, she clawed and screamed and begged but no one could hear no one could see. She was trapped.

Trapped. Trapped. Trapped.

Before her mind has time to register she gets up onto her feet, half stumbling towards the door. She needs to get out, she needs─

She walks, she runs, she turns, but she doesn't realize where she goes until she closes the door of Merlin's room behind her and slides down it. Out of breath both due to her own panic and from her sprint here. She sees the crates, the writings pinned up all over the walls that would only make sense to someone as mad as she, and she laughs again hugging her legs tight against her chest. ]

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[He's writing more scribbles on the wall, blue chalk over the white so he can see where he's changing things (just as an experiment to see if it helps) when she barges in, laughing, and he frowns from where he's standing, moving to look at her over a crate pile.]

You're quick to come here. [He's not sure what all else to make of it as he watches her, searching for clues as to why she's there in his room, on his floor.] Door may not be the best place to sit, seeing as people seem to ignore it's existence.

[ Wild eyes find the source of the voice instantly and she blinks. ] Merlin. [ She's surprised he is here─ of course he is here, this is his room, this place of whispered madness they couldn't begin to understand. ]

My legs refuse to work, I could not get up even if I tried. [ That, in itself, is a lie... only just. ]

[Understanding meant actually listening to things, and frankly in this time of madness, both in his life of being here and in dealing with his magic, it wasn't worth trying to listen to those whispers. Who knew where it came from?]

How long has it been since you ate? [It's said with a sigh as he puts the chalk down, eyebrow raised. No he's not moving towards her, not certain if it's a trap or some other trick or her honestly needing aide, and frankly if she needs food it's easier to get that before going to her, right?]

[ She watches him as if thinking the same, her feet lead her here not her mind. Her mind is in shambles, clawing at some semblance of sanity but failing to find any. Perhaps this is a trick, she thinks, perhaps she is still trapped within that unbreakable glass box, perhaps this is all an illusion. ]

I don't remember. [ Her answer is honest enough, her posture barely threatening. She pulls her knees closer to herself, eyes narrowing only in anger with herself than with any sort of suspicion or anger towards him.

Why here? Why him? ]

[If it's an illusion it is an amazingly detailed one, and one that even he can't break. Perhaps he finally fell to the temptations of his power after Igraine's death, it would explain much.]

Are you warm enough? [There's no suspicion in his words as he talks, moving around to a side room to take out some bread, cheese and meat and sticking it on a plate before handing it to her, debating how to go about asking why he seems to be her favorite one to run too.]

[ Yet she frowns at the plate regardless, for a moment seeing something other than bread, cheese, and meat. ]

That's not what you want to ask. [ She takes the plate after a moment. Even in this state she can see, she can read the lines on his face, or at least she thinks she can. She picks at the bread, popping a pathetically torn off piece into her mouth.

It's bread.

Just bread. ]

[A peace offering of sorts, a truce. Or an exchange, perhaps. Food for information. A safe haven for information.

But he doesn't say it, instead sitting down on a crate nearby when she takes the plate. The questions are there in his eyes, and really he's not out to be difficult in hiding it. He's just not particularly chatty, and not really looking for company.]

Many things I could ask, but that's a more pressing thing.

[ Tension in her shoulders melts away as she picks at the plate, partly just to have something to do, something to focus on. Her eyes focus on him however, as if Merlin is the rock keeping her from being swept away.

Maybe he is, maybe that is the reason her feet brought her here. ]

Then why don't you ask?

[She can do whatever she likes to the plate, at this point he wouldn't be surprised at any reaction she had. Even the staring, even if what that look means causes him to mentally frown. He doesn't want to be someones rock, that would mean staying in one place, getting attached, and that never ended well.

Though he doubts she would care much if he told her that.

So he shrugs, rolling up the sleeve of his baggy shirt some for something to do.]

And make sooner your ability to divest me of your presence?

[ She would tell him they are a perfect match then, all her own attachments have ended poorly, why should they stop now? But is she getting attached to him? She cannot tell.

Fingers continue to pick at the beard, sometimes bringing the pieces to her mouth other times not.

Her lips twitch into a wiry smile. ]

I did not know you enjoyed my company so much.

[Perhaps because they shouldn't look for such things in a place that would rather see them harmed then not? He's not sure if there's attachment to her, but there's enough concern for her, like with Morgan, to make him worry.

He keeps his face rather disinterested as he talks.]

It keeps the castle's gift at bay. [That slips before he thinks and he frowns at it, shutting up once it's said.]

[ Interest in the food suddenly wanes and she blinks, then she is up before she realizes she is moving and crosses the space to him. ]

The castle's gift? [ She stands before him now, head tilted in almost morbid curiosity. ] Your loss. [ Absently a hand reaches out to brush fingers against his face. ]

Tell me.

[He's not sure what to make of this invasion of his space and at first starts to flinch, only to stop. His shoulders droop and he knows he has to say something, so he does.]

Visions, an event I'd very much like to forget has happened. [He frowns some as he thinks on it, how they had come to him.] Someone I couldn't save. [It's a start, but he's not mentioning Igraine.]

[ Someone I couldn't save.

Those words echo in her sharper than they should have, she remembers her sister wasting away, she remembers feeling helpless and angry. For all her powers she could do nothing to save her. ]

I'm sorry. [ The words feel alien, they leave an odd taste in her mouth but they are genuine. ] You cared about them greatly.

[He couldn't save her, she was in his arms and she died there, telling him not to die to save her. He could have, should have. Igraine is a better woman, better person then he ever could or would be.

He's not looking for sympathy but the words are appreciated and he nods.]

Enough to be willing to exchange my life for theirs. [He cared that much, but he's not sure how she'll take that news and is willing to weather any questions she gives.]

[ Truthfully, she is surprised by his words. She blinks, her hand falling to her side motionlessly.

He cared so much for someone that he was willing to exchange his life for theirs. She cannot remember if she ever cared so much for someone that much. ]

The castle... it shows you them, shows you their death, when you're alone for too long? [ She understands now, at least, why he tolerated her presence all this time. Why he never once tried to scare her from invading his room instead of using her owns. ]

How cruel.

[He watches her carefully, waiting for a look or words sharp enough to cut him to the bone in scorn or some such thing. He wouldn't be surprised, most didn't understand what his magic did, the cost it came with.

But he nods again. It's not just tolerance when he enjoys her presence, she keeps him busy, keeps him thinking. That's more then most gave him.]

Attempt to chase me out of my rooms and thoughts. It works sometimes, not something I would wish on anyone.

[ Yet she does, to some degree, she understands well. She looks at the scribbles on his wall and does not see the writings of a madman, she sees the threads and wispy words of something more; of something powerful and beautiful.

Somehow it brings a smile to her lips, as fleeting as it is. ]

Nor would I. [ She reaches out again, absently. ] Is that why you haven't sent me away all this time? I kept the visions away.

[It's that, above all else, that really brings him back to her. Why he doesn't mind her being here. If he didn't like her she wouldn't have been in his room, visions or no.

And he can't help the slight smile on his face before frowning, mostly at the touch but he doesn't move it.] If that was all I'd have stayed near the door of this place. I do enjoy your company, even if you do invade my bed.

[ It stuns her, visibly, her surprise as plain as the stars above. Never did she think he would say those words, never did she think he would think them never mind admitting then. ]

You never use it. [ She replies finally, banishing her surprise to quirk the corners of her mouth into a ghostly grin. ]

I enjoy your company also, you understand what others do not ─ what others cannot.

[Oh, so she hadn't thought he liked her then? Or at least would admit them. He's good at it, admitting things like that when people think things won't happen.]

Doesn't mean it's not an invasion. [But he grins a little at it, it's easier to talk and quip like this.]

And you are willing to listen and talk. Not many are so willing. [Morgan never was, no matter how much he tried.]

[ She expected herself to be an annoyance, full of frustrations and bitter thoughts. Not this. Never this. ]

Neither did you complain.

[ With a sigh she lowers herself down to his level and gently takes a hold of his hand, bringing it to her cheek. ]

I was trapped. [ She whispers, eyes falling closed. ] I was trapped within a invisible cage I could not escape from, I screamed and screamed and no one could hear me.

I could see and I could hear but I could not speak or move or sleep. [ Her voice becomes quieter and shaky. ] I was terrified.

[At one time she was, but she's wormed her way into his heart and really, once there she won't leave. Better to just accept it and move on.]

No reason too.

[And he lets her, resting his hand on his own power against her cheek, frowning at that.]

I'm sorry. [That's all he can say, because saying that it's understandable is an understatement.] Your powers?

[He's taking it slow, as it's all he can do.]

[ Her eyes remained closed, memories of the month flashing behind them. ]

Gone. [ She says, quietly. ] I was powerless and alone, for a month that cage was my home. For a month I clawed at the walls of my prison until my hands were bloody.

[He moves his other hand to put on her other cheek, to give her strength in his touch.]

Who put you there? [His voice is quiet, almost dangerous.]

[ The touch forces her to open her eyes again, glassy with memories of her screams and begging. ]

I don't know. [ She feels so weak, so small, stretched entirely too thin. ] The castle, I think.

My mind is sill trapped there, it see it in my sleeping and waking dreams.

[He looks her in the eyes, his are warm but have a sharpness to them. He's holding back his own emotions on this, his own rage. No one should have to live through that.

He's just glad his hands are on her cheeks otherwise they would be shaking in rage, but his shoulders are just ever so slightly pulled back.]

Nothing you do helps? There's no potion or some such that helps?

[ She can see the rage in his eyes and tiny voice in the back of her head whisper to fear it, this is a man who rivals herself in abilities, however it is not fear she feels; it is comfort.

It is not her his rage is directed at, but something else. Something bigger than the both of them. ]

They are not nightmares of magic, my healing bracelet does not help. And I don't─ [ Inhale. ] I do not know if a potion will give me the dreamless sleep I seek. I no longer place trust in physicians.

[He's not angry at her, he's angry at how she was treated. But he would say she should be afraid, when he goes off he knows he can't control the consequences. It's not safe around him.

But as long as he's enraged it may as well be at a thing that it would end horribly at, right?]

I can understand why you would not. Perhaps, at some time, I can look to see if I can aide you in some way. My abilities, allow me to see into others dreams. [He's thinking hard on what he can and can't do. He could look in her dreams or think of a potion, he's skilled in that at home, perhaps he could do it here.]

[ She cannot fear him, to fear him would be to fear herself and she cannot do that. She knows the dangers well, her own anger is just as dangerous.

You already have once, it never really leaves her mouth, they both anyway. But this is as different as it is the same, a nightmare brought forth due to trauma and fear more so than a nightmare brought forth due to the castle. ]

Do it. [ As broken and thin as she feels there is certainty in her voice and her eyes. ] Please, all I want is a dreamless sleep.

[He may have once, but not by his own power and not with her own dreams, thoughts, feelings, in those dreams. Memories or her direst nightmare yes, but not the same thing.

And he can't even promise it will help, his powers are finnicky like that on occasion.]

I can try, that is all I can promise. [Because he doubts she wants him trying to hard that it leads to other issues.]

[ Her free hand comes up to join it's other, covering them both with a soft touch. ]

And that is all I will ask. [ Thumbs brush lightly over skin and she smiles weakly, the fact he wants to help at all endears him to her. Kindness is repaid with kindness, blood is repaid with blood, and this is nothing other than kind. ]

[It's he touch that really confirms it. That yes this is real and he's offered this, but if she's taking it, if he can stop it, perhaps things will be easier.]

Very well then. I can only do it while you sleep, you realize that? [And it is in this kindness that he's worrying more now about how much of a hold she has on him. If he's doing this then what else will he do for her?]

[ She nods inhaling deeply. ]

I do. [ With that she begins to pull from his grip, turning her head to brush a silent thank you against the palm of his hand. Even if he cannot do anything for her, even if he fails, the attempt itself is appreciated. ]

Luckily you have a bed you do not use.

[He nods in turn, and lets his hands fall after her silent thanks, clasping his hands together and bringing them up to rest against his lips.]

Indeed. And many crates for me to sit on as I wait for your dreams to start.

[ Slowly, swaying a little, she stands and crosses the floor towards the bed. It takes all her strength to stay upright, this much obvious when she collapses onto the blankets.

To sleep, she thinks, go to sleep. It will take her some time however, as she fears to close her eyes, fears it deeply. ]

[He watches her move and it's when she collapses that he frowns, before moving to slip off and make her a sleeping concotion out of what herbs he's found around here. This is something he can do at least for her, and he brings it in the wooden bowl he made it in.

If she's not asleep by the time he sits down next to her on a nearby crate, he'll try and rouse her to drink some of it at least.]

[ She still very much is awake by the time he rests beside her, though her eyes are closed. She tries though the deep sleep she desires simply does not come. ]

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everytime you close your eyes

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