Journal the Third

[theabjectauthor]

[the morning dawns somewhat pleasantly, and a certain researcher, journalist, and self-proclaimed coward can be found in the wee hours of the morning, sneaking down the stairs from his tower and making his way covertly across the lobby - a phrase which here means "ducking behind pillars and plush furniture and various decorations so as not to be seen, which does not work quite as well if you are a grown and husky adult, and not the small, lithe child you were when you took your Covert Maneuvering class with S".

Lemony's first stop is the kitchen, but he is not there long before he is ducking back out with a sizeable picnic basket, and then sneaking back across to the elevator. from there, it is only the press of a button and a quick check to make sure the elevator is, indeed, devoid of anyone, before he arrives blessedly on the first library floor.

once he's inside, he winds his way through the stacks until he finds a table that he feels is sufficiently well-ensconced and hidden away ... and then he starts to set up his picnic basket. a pot of tea, some pastries, a nice cloth napkin, a little thermos of fruit juice, a bottle of water to clean up any unfortunate spills .... there.

with a sigh of contentment, he takes out his journal and dictates quietly, as he begins to fix his continental breakfast in kiss-free solitude and safety]

Good morning, everyone. I hope that you are all weathering this holiday season with considerably less stress and anxiety than myself - but given that it is in fact, the holiday season, I would have to say that it would be a miracle if you were.

As far as miracles are concerned, however, I do know a short tale that may put a few of you at ease - or, at the very least, distract you from whatever misfortunes and invasions of personal space that you may have to weather. The tale is called The Lump of Coal, and is mostly nondenominational, though it does cater slightly more heavily to those who celebrate Christmas and are familiar with its traditions. If you care to listen, please, feel free - I shall put up a convenient filter, so that those of you who do not shall not have to.

[Filtered To Those Who Wish To Hear The Tale of The Lump Of Coal]

[and then he'll just go ahead and read you all this. with voices. and emphasis. because he is good at reading stories to people. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, PARA.]

[/Filter]

[you may, of course, feel free to come and hunt him down for theft of tea, pastries, or more importantly, INVASION OF PERSONAL SPACE. catching him en route to the library is perfectly acceptable, too!]

Comments

Dictated; Lump of Coal Filter

[cyan_maid]

[Someone seems to have listened out of curiosity, and someone seems to have enjoyed it!]

Hoo hoo hoo! That was brilliant!

[theabjectauthor]

I'm glad you seem to have enjoyed it, Jane. How are you?

[cyan_maid]

I'm doing quite well! And you?

[theabjectauthor]

Well enough, all things considered. I'm presently trying to stay out of the proximity of these nutcrackers... I'd rather avoid the awkward situations they seem to be placing people in, especially since, for the most part, the residents here are complete strangers.

[cyan_maid]

Oh! Yes, it...it can get really awkward, especially between friends. [SHE'S TALKING FROM EXPERIENCE.]

Mr. Snicket

[eat_me_beat_me]

I think that's one of the best Christmas stories I've ever heard.

Miss Diniro

[theabjectauthor]

How very kind of you to say so! I penned it a few years ago under some duress from a gentleman masquerading as a publisher of children's literature. It was either write the story, or tend to his pet orangutans for a fortnight...

Mr. Snicket. (He's lucky. She's not usually this polite to anyone... even in a filter)

[eat_me_beat_me]

Wait... you wrote it?

[pause]

..... and who the fuck has a pet orangutan?

[theabjectauthor]

I did, yes.... And anyone who has the proper legal documentation in states, countries, territories or fiefdoms where licensing is available can have a pet orangutan. .... Also, you needn't curse, you already have my full attention.

[eat_me_beat_me]

That's awesome! ... The writing part, not the... Did you really just say fiefdoms? I don't think I've heard anyone actually say that outside of, like, history class.

[She laughs] I wasn't trying to get your attention. That's just how I talk.

[wilder]

[Zelos originally had no interest in this guy until he saw the sheer level he was taking to evade people. So he can't help but want to troll and follows along sneakily. Annnd when the guy is busying himself setting out his picnic basket, he'll suddenly be in the chair across the table]

[How did he get there? GINGER MAGIC]

Good morning!

1/2

[theabjectauthor]

AAAAH!

2/2

[theabjectauthor]

.... I'm sorry, sir - [he doesn't recognize Zelos' voice yet, after all] - but you gave me quite a start. .... Good morning to you, as well. And I suppose, thank you, as well, for helping make sure I am awake and alert.

[wilder]

[Jeez, and they say he's loud]

Hey, no problem! Just doing my job of keeping people awake and alert!

So what's with the hiding?

[theabjectauthor]

[you are not loud, you are vociferous, get it right]

I'm not hiding, I've simply chosen a quiet spot to enjoy my breakfast and my morning reading. [he does his best to look earnest and indignant and completely truthful. it .... might work. or it would have if Zelos hadn't been STALKING him. creeper.]

[wilder]

[Yep. Not buying it at all]

Dude. I saw you sneak across this place in ways that would make a ninja envy.

Lump of Coal filter

[waterproofed]

Kind of a weird story, but pretty nice.

[theabjectauthor]

Thank you for your honest feedback. I do admit that it is a bit unorthodox to say, for the sake of argument, that inanimate objects can read, talk, and appreciate barbecue of any ethnicity, but most children's talked hold similar elements of impossibility, such as if all you do is wish on a star very very hard and do nothing else at all, you shall get that wish.

[waterproofed]

Lots of impossible things are true in my world. Like flying horses and cow serpents. So a talking lump of coal isn't really that big of a stretch.

The story was good, though. You write stories all the time?

[theabjectauthor]

Pegasi must be an interesting sight to behold.... and a dangerous thing to travel below. [ahem]

But yes, I do... Though I normally focus on investigative reporting or theatrical criticism.

[waterproofed]

If my friend Blackjack ever comes here, I'll introduce you!

So you work for a newspaper?

Lump of Coal Filter

[heal_theworld]

...I think it was a wonderful story. Even if I'm not sure what half of those things were.

[theabjectauthor]

I'm very glad you enjoyed it, Miss Yggdrasill.... Which parts were foreign to you? I'd be more than happy to explain.

[heal_theworld]

Well, what's Korean? And what's a barbeque? And lumps of coal aren't actually alive in your world, are they?

[Yes, you actually have to clarify this for her, because all sorts of things are actually alive in her world. Like trees. And fake treasure chests.]

[theabjectauthor]

Korean refers to anything hailing from the culture or the country of Korea, which is in Asia, a region of my world mostly known for its overpopulation and vastly different methods of living. Barbecue is a method of preparing food, usually meat and vegetables, but most notably meat, as it was a method invented by island settlers in the Caribbean islands, and is one of the few truly pleasant byproducts of piracy. And as for coal: no, it does not talk, which is a mercy, for if it did, every barbecue ever held would he filled with tiny screams, which would make them far less pleasant ...

Except, perhaps, for the pirates, who seem to enjoy schadenfreude on unhealthy levels.