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eridan ampora

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that human holiday wwasnt all that bad in retrospect
evven if there wwas some creep named santa wwho left me some wweird sort a lowwblood type swweets

i didnt knoww wwe could get things from our wworlds though
guess i should finally go see howw this compares

[Curious about what that thing Eridan got from his world is? Well, just head to the courtyard. He'll be there, holding a rather unusual rifle.

If you stick around, you can even see him aiming at the sky and firing. Anyone afraid of lightning or thunder might not want to stick around, though, because this gun is flashy and loud.]

((ooc: for Christmas Eridan got Ahab's Crosshairs! For non-Homestucks, Ahab's Crosshairs is a super-powered rifle that shoots lighting and can pierce through gigantic flying whales like it ain't no thing, amongst other things.))

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[So Dave has had beef with Eridan since he called his drawing shitty and also since he's decidedly funny to troll since his reactions are so dramatic. Luckily, Eridan isn't the only one who got a weapon for christmas. Dave has been waltzing around with the Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete and looking for a target to practise with.

Normally a good strife is one both parties agree on, but sneak attacks are sort of a Strider Thing. So Dave is going to flash step out of nowhere and launch at Eridan's side with his weapon raised.]

Happy holidays, fish face.

[Eridan's lucky he has the reflexes he does, because his sheer disappointment over this not-quite Crosshairs would have been enough to distract him otherwise. But distraction means death for a troll, so he's got this.

Sort of.

He's still completely startled by the speed of Dave, and he raises the gun to block the...what the hell was Dave even carrying? That had to be the stupidest sword in the history of swords.]

What the fu-? Don't you humans hawe anythin' like honor or dignity?!

[Well. Dang. He wasn't trying to hit you anyway, baka. Way to block him like the kawaii fuck you are.

He lowers his sword and shrugs a little.]

I dunno. Must've left 'em in my other pants. [His attention turns to the gun.] Sweet glitter gun, bro. You gonna bedazzle the castle?

[He trusts Dave not even as far as he can throw him, so he's going to keep the Crosshair's raised.]

Right, because that's a thing you can do. [Don't ask him about the gun gdi.] I'm not gonna bedazzle anythin', that'd be a complete waste a my precious time.

[And he doesn't really know what "bedazzle" means. You just...dazzle people, right? Right. But the most important thing is the atrocity of a sword Dave is carrying.]

What the fuck is that?

[Dave doesn't weigh that much, Eridan. He's flattered right now.]

It is now. My bad. [He wants to know why it sparkles like that. It looks pretty high tier.] Aha, I see. Can't waste time blingin' shit when you need to shoot nothing. Got it.

[Dave flicks his sword from one hand to the other before holding up the sword and wiggling his legs like he's playing golf with it.]

This old girl is the Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete. Freezed to meet you.

[He should be. No blacko.]

Honor and dignity aren't physical traits, fuckface. [He glares at Dave, pulling the gun close to his chest. He's almost hugging it, but not really.] I was testin' it out.

[Eridan is unimpressed. He raises an eyebrow, shaking his head as Dave wiggled.]

That pun wasn't even tryin'. How does that thing work, though?

They are if you use them right. If they aren't, what's your excuse? I bet you didn't leave them in your pants. I don't even know how you get those pants off, man.

Guess I'm not a try hard then. [Shrug.] You wanna find out, buddy?

[Stare.]

You don't need to know anythin' about my pants. My pants are fine, an' if you can't figure out the basic mechanics a dressin' then you're a lost cause.

[He's bad at staying on topic.]

Not really, but it looks like such a piece of shit it'd probably snap before you could do anythin' with it.

I don't need to know, I want to know. That's enough of a reason for most people, special ed.

So does your gun, buddy. If it sparkles anymore I'm going to cast it in a twilight remake.

I don't care about your wants.

[He hugs the crosshairs close to his chest, huffing and acting like there's nothing more horrible in the world then this conversation.]

It's not as great as the one I had in the game, but that's not my fuckin' fault, now is it? I'm not the person handin' out shit.

That's why you're a terrible friend. You're going to make some girl real happy some day, aren't you.

[He raises an eyebrow at the way Eridan hugs his gun and glances down at his sword.]

You know what they say, it doesn't matter how great it is, what matters is how you use it.

Are we fighting or what?

They aren't weird sweets!
They are traditional Christmas sweets and you should be grateful Santa thought of you, too!

[What no she isn't offended.]

they are vvery wweird
ivve nevver seen anythin like them
and wwho is santa ivve seen people talk about him but wwho or wwhat is he
is he some sort a imperial drone

Well I can assure you that they are perfectly safe to eat, at least.

Do you really not know who Santa is? Oh geez!
I don't know what an imperial drone is, but I can assure you that he isn't one at all.
He's a jolly old man who brings nice things to children all over the world on Christmas Eve!
He rides in a sleigh led by flying reindeer and goes to every house to leave every good child something.

an howw wwould you knoww

an imperial drone is a drone that enforces lawws on my planet amongst other things beneficial to the empire
its not that hard to understand
this santa felloww sounds fuckin stupid
wwhy does he just givve shit awway thats such a wwaste
an hasnt anyone tried to kill him i mean wwhy wwould you wwant some strange person in your hivve

Um, well...I got some too! And I ate some of it! I haven't gotten sick yet.

Why would you want to kill someone who gives you things for free?

wwouldnt illness for you an i wwork different though

because theyre intrudin upon your hivve an wwhatevver they givve you could be poisoned

I'm not sure! But then again I am not the person to ask for those kind of specifics.

Not Santa! He is the exception.

there really isnt anyone to ask about that though

howw do you knoww
howw wwould i knoww ivve nevver heard of the guy before
howw is it not suspicious and fuckin creepy that some guy you dont knoww is just showwin up and tryin to wwin you ovver wwith gifts
he has to havve some sort a motivve

His motive is to make children happy, of course!
If people on all the ridiculous eleventy-billion versions of Earth can willingly let him into their house, then surely there's nothing wrong with what he's doing.

swweets dont make me happy though
its rude to assume that they wwould
an im not from earth wwhat if santa wwent to alternia
troll santa wwouldnt get awway wwith breakin an enterin

Well I am sure Troll Santa would operate differently, if what I've learned about trolls is any indication!
What do you think he would do then?

kill and or maim the wwigglers for bein stupid an lettin him into their hivves wwithout a fight probably

...
That'a not nice at all!!!!

[isn't this sort of early (or late, depending on how you look at it) for fireworks...

drawn by the light, Sayaka came around to investigate, and looks rather bemused by what she's found]

Something up there?

[A huff. Eridan's really not too pleased with this Crosshairs that he's gotten from the castle, and he's going to take his annoyances out on anyone who comes across him.]

No. This is a knock off piece a shit that couldn't ewen kill a fairy-bull. It's useless an' a complete an' total mockery of a powerful weapon.

[perhaps unfortunately, she had almost gotten accustomed to the previous Eridan being in pissy moods. The effect is a tad lost]

But you're keeping it still.

[dammit why won't people be intimidated by him. it hurts his ego.]

It's a gun. Are you fuckin' stupid? You don't wawe guns around, because that'd do approximately jack shit. You hawe to keep them still.

No, I meant...you haven't thrown it away. Even if it's useless and all that.

Well, it's still mine, and a piece a' shit gun is better than none at all.

All I see is you firing at nothing, though. [how is that supposed to be better in any case, is there some sort of point she missed]

[DRAMATIC SIGHS]

Well. It's not like there won't ewer be anythin' for me to shoot at, so gettin' rid of it might prowe to be completely pointless an' stupid in the end. I'm bein' prepared.

whatd you get

a piece a shit is wwhat it really is

...
your old gun?

[is it sad that this is the first thing she thinks of]

yes
but not really
it looks my gun but it doesnt wwork the same
it doesnt evven shoot anythin it just makes a lot a noise

oh i see

[she'll just casually... not mention that she has a working version of it :'D]

well um
have fun with that 0_0

[just wait until he finds out]

theres no fun in not bein able to protect yourself
though i guess i dont really havve a reason to havve this gun here anywways
im not huntin or anythin
but i still dont like bein mocked by this sort a shit

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oops i forgot she's in the insolitus for this lmao

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