sixty-sixth labyrinth

[lord_wizard]

[It's morning, and Felix is in the process of dressing for the day. He stands by the vanity mirror as he buttons up his waistcoat, thinking about how up and down he'd been for the last month. How little it had taken to knock him off balance. And as he's wondering this, he very suddenly starts to sing to himself.]

♪Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight♪

♪Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes♪

[He turns away from the mirror then and looks at Ashura as he continues]

♪Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will♪

♪Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes♪

[He starts pacing a bit as the song grows more impassioned and almost frantic]

♪Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
WHY DO I GO TO EXTREMES?!♪

[In the space where there would have been a piano solo there's an explosion of noise and crashing as he starts knocking this over, throwing books and clothes and other things all over the room]

♪And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes♪

♪No I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low
There ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes♪

[He's half in tears by the time it stop and then he just stands there in shock before placing a hand over his face]

...I am so sorry...

[It's not even clear who he's apologizing to and for what, even. He's not the best singer, certainly, but not the worst. Or maybe that it felt like he meant nearly every one of those words and there was nothing he could do about it. He's not even sure himself. Like usual.]

Comments

hubby's here, bb

[wishmadeinfire]

<sub>[ Ashura had pretended to be asleep as the other prepared himself, still tired from his time in space and more than willing to be a bit lazy. Besides, he liked the sounds of Felix moving around, the rustle of silk, the sweep of the brush through his hair.

But today... today he listened to that song, his heart tearing as the verses came one by one. His eyes stun with tears, wondering what to say, what to do - and then the crash. The crash that made him stop his facade and sit up sharply, watching Felix with wide golden eyes.

Without thinking he rises from the bed, naked and heedless of it. He crossed to Felix, wrapping his arms around him from behind and pressing his face into the bright red hair he found so enchanting. He hugged him close, shaking, scared, for the first time at a loss as to what to say.

And so he held him, deciding it would be best to let Felix say the next words.]</sub>

[lord_wizard]

[He can't quite bring himself to move for a few minutes. He knows what that was, but unlike last time this is like getting slapping upside the head with a piece of truth. Not unlike that moment he had on the White Otter so long ago, there were things he realized he could never really change. The difference was, not that many people knew about it.]

...did I break anything?

[wishmadeinfire]

_{[ Ashura kept his arms around him as he gazed at the scattered items. He pressed a soft kiss to his hair before answering. ]}

No, everything seems to have survived.

[lord_wizard]

[He let out a half-breath, half-sob]

Good.

[wishmadeinfire]

_{[ He did not let go of him as he slowly drew the other back to the bed, sitting on the edge. He kept his arm around his lover, watching him quietly, trying to think of what to say. ]}

Felix... you can talk to me...

[lord_wizard]

I don't know where that came from but...it's true. I've tried to change and I can't.

[wishmadeinfire]

I don't think that's true, Felix. I only think you believe that to be true.

_{[ He shook his head and pressed another kiss to his temple, fingers resting over his hand. ]}

[lord_wizard]

I always find ways to hurt people. It's something I've always been good at, and it feels like a matter of time until I do it again. Can I ever really be happy when that monster is lurking in the darkness somewhere?

[wishmadeinfire]

<sub>[ He frowned, hating that Felix thought this way about himself. He wished he knew how to make it better, hated that he did not have an answer or a magic spell.

All he had was taking his hand, holding it, trying to reassure the other he did not believe that. ]</sub>

You haven't hurt me, Felix. As far as I know, you haven't hurt other people here. There is no monster in you that I can see.

Dictated

[kungfuwitch]

[Of everything she'd heard today, all the music, all the emotion... this was the hardest to listen to. She speaks before she can even stop herself]

Felix...

[lord_wizard]

[That snaps him a bit more to the present, and he clears his throat, but even then he's caught a little raw]

I...suppose everyone in the castle heard that.

[kungfuwitch]

I'm afraid so...

[lord_wizard]

I remember that being more pleasant two years ago...

[kungfuwitch]

I wasn't here the last time this happened, actually. I guess I should call myself lucky.

[lord_wizard]

Maybe. Like I said. It...wasn't as bad last time.

[He sighs]

Quite a lot has changed, it seems.

[kungfuwitch]

A lot can change in 2 years...

[lord_wizard]

Especially here.

[kethedammit]

[There's no way to respond to this. On the one hand, he should: not responding could be taken as an insult, a refusal. On the other hand, that plan sounds a lot like putting your head on the chopping block.]

[Maybe... gentle ribbing? He wants to say, it's okay.]

He mulls it over for a long time, and the journal picks up that silence, one long, protracted pause.]

...Thinking of quitting your day job?

[lord_wizard]

[There's an equally long one from his end while he sorts past his usual love of showboating and the absolute distaste for it when it involved a real piece of himself.

He answers with a slightly weak and shaky attempt at normality.]

Remind me what my day job is again.

[kethedammit]

Never could figure that out, myself. [A shot, gentle and kind, at the great number of soirees, meetings, and useless time-wasting de rigueur at The Mirador.]

[lord_wizard]

[He almost laughs at that, but the sound comes out more like someone had hit him in the stomach]

Glad to see you were paying attention that whole time.

[kethedammit]

[Score. Mildmay tries for a second hit:] Well, it's all so damn interesting.

[lord_wizard]

[There's the laugh. Shaky, but there]

Liar. You were only there because of me. Though I think you had a better hold on Mirador politics than I did by the end there.

[kethedammit]

That might be pushing it. I never could keep track of who was fucking who.

[lord_wizard]

You could have if you'd wanted to try.