gottaknockhard: (wake up)
Spike Spiegel ([personal profile] gottaknockhard) wrote in [community profile] paradisa2012-02-11 09:44 am
Entry tags:

040; action/dictated

[There's that odd moment when you wake up somewhere different than where you fell asleep. Spike realizes it before he opens his eyes, which gives him the foresight to keep them shut until his curiosity gets the better of him. Silk sheets, the warmth of someone nearby, and as he peeks one eye open: a journal sitting open near the edge of the bed. Sometimes they really do try too hard.]

...

[When he glances over, it's the golden hair that finally gets a reaction. Julia? Her back is facing him, but he knows by now... it's her. All week, she's been avoiding him (not that he blames her), so of course the castle would see that as an opportunity to mess with a delicate situation. Spike doesn't wake her. If anything, he's very careful not to disturb any peace she's finding before their strange reality comes back into play. After a lingering silence, he slips off the edge of the bed, grabbing the journal as he moves, and finds a place by the window -- barely lifting an eyebrow at the overstuffed heart-shaped chair -- to sit and read.]

I could have sworn I've seen this before. [--he's mumbling, flipping through the last few pages until he has a better grasp on what's happening. He even manages to sound quietly amused at the commentary, even if they can't see his smile. At least it's not just him this time.]

Gets more like a prison every day. [You know, if prison was crossed with a tacky brothel.] They'll get it right eventually.
common_name: (years of frustration)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-13 06:23 am (UTC)(link)
[She hasn't been thinking straight. That's the problem with stress. Her emotions have been so out of whack that there's almost no hope of keeping them in check. On a base level, she'd just been so... relieved, overwhelmingly relieved to see him that she'd almost been ready to let slip something she shouldn't have.

This was a bad idea. She needs to clear her head. She needs.... space. Time.

With a heavy sigh, she tears her eyes away, remaining still for a moment or two before finally deciding to throw the covers off of her and put her feet to the floor. Of course, she can't go far, and hadn't really been intending to anyway. She'll simply head in the direction of the bathroom.]
common_name: (in this morning selfishly)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-14 07:17 am (UTC)(link)
[Once, she'd made that crucial choice to run to save his life. To save both of their lives. She'd spent three years constantly looking over her shoulder, sleeping with a gun under her pillow at easy reach, ready for the worst to happen at any time. Sacrificed any chance she might have had at ever being able to let her guard down, even if only for a second. Yet if it meant keeping him safe, she'd be more than willing to do it a hundred times over. A thousand times over.

It was never a perfect solution. Not by a long shot. But it gave her a way out of an impossible ultimatum. A sense of agency in a world that wanted to take that from her. And it had kept her alive for much longer than one might have expected. To her, it was the closest thing she had to a failsafe, the best possible thing to do when things got difficult.

In the end, though, it all really only comes down to one simple truth. She's spent so long running that she doesn't know what else to do.

And now, that option, her only option, has been taken away from her. Her one weapon has been pried from her hands and carelessly tossed aside, rendering her as vulnerable and defenseless as she's ever been. That revelation spreads through her like a blind panic, effectively shutting everything down. Her attempts to keep everything under control, to protect him, have been slowly spiraling out of her grasp ever since the moment she woke up to find that she wasn't alone. Probably even before that.

She has long since stopped, dead in her tracks. But she's been avoiding meeting his eyes at all costs. If she does, she knows the consequences will be worse than simply losing control of the situation. It's bad enough without looking at him. Maybe she can't read his mind, but she knows him, and because of that, the air is thick with something she can't name or explain, yet is chipping away at her more and more by the second, creating a constant dull ache in her chest. One that's wholly familiar by now.

If she does, she'll fall apart. Although she never really stood much of a chance.

They're going nowhere fast, and not just literally. It's time for something else. She inhales, quiet and unsteady, her gaze pointedly fixed on a random spot on the floor.]


Something happened.
common_name: (how we've failed)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-15 03:27 am (UTC)(link)
[Once it's been said, she can't take it back, but she has no intention of it. For better or worse, she sealed her fate the second she opened her mouth. Not unlike another moment in time, years ago (yet simultaneously seeming like no time has passed at all), when a split-second decision changed the course of her entire life.

The tension in the air, the sheer gravity of everything, is palpable.

This isn't easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And all she's capable of is giving information in pieces. Carefully-chosen pieces. (Or maybe at least part of her goal is to break it in more gently.) A pause, another breath, and then, quietly--]


About a week ago. [... Was it really only that long? It felt like so much longer....]
Edited 2012-02-15 03:29 (UTC)
common_name: (a turning from deceit)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-17 01:57 am (UTC)(link)
[She recognizes that tone in an instant, and it's exactly what she was afraid of. Why she'd been trying to protect him. She almost regrets having said anything at all. If he does something stupid, and it's all because of her....--

Anything she might have eventually said in response will forever remain a mystery.

At the precise second that she almost opens her mouth to speak again, there's something that cuts into the silence and distracts her for good. Eerily high-pitched, only grinding her nerves down more than they already were.

A sharp glance off of the floor, following the sound, reveals something that makes about as much sense as anything here: a cart rolling into the center of the room by itself.]
common_name: (who can turn my wooden heart)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-17 04:59 am (UTC)(link)
[This place really doesn't know when to quit, does it?

After throwing her off, if anything, it inspires almost the exact opposite reaction from her. She might have been on her way to making progress in finally opening up, but all of that progress is now effectively null. It doesn't take long before she completely shuts down again, her walls definitively up and fortified as if nothing had ever happened at all.

... Old habits die hard.]


No.
common_name: (that i might be someone i wanna be)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-17 01:55 pm (UTC)(link)
[This would be easier if she could force herself to look away. But as hard as she tries, she can't. She continues to stand in the same spot, watching him, and the more she does, the more that proverbial knife twists in her gut. Shooting holes and causing critical damage to her walls before she really has the chance to put them back up.

Is what she's doing really the best thing? If she really cares about him, can she continue to let this go on the way it is?

There's a part of her, a large part of her, that wants to go sit down beside him, provide some kind of reassurance. But her feet never move as she finds herself quietly giving him another piece of the story. She owes him that much.]


I don't remember much. There was a fight.
common_name: (this shade of autumn)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-18 03:30 am (UTC)(link)
[She lets out a sigh before continuing, more audible than it might usually be. If anything, she sounds just as tired. That last attempt at putting the front back up had taken whatever small amount of energy she had left. Energy that had been fading more and more over time. The past six months. The past three years. ... Maybe her entire life.

Which is now being reflected in the shorter duration of her pauses. The pieces are slowly starting to trickle out more easily.]


I didn't know them. [... Which isn't technically a lie; if it came down to it, directly, deliberately lying to his face wouldn't sit well with her at all, especially considering all the guilt that's constantly weighing down on her. It's just not the whole truth.]
common_name: (it's just a dream)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-18 09:56 pm (UTC)(link)
[This is it. The moment she's walked so many circles around, put so much painstaking effort into preventing. The potential game-changer. She has two options at this point. One, she can continue to stall, to buy herself time like she has been while she thinks of a better way to break this. Or two, she can seize it. Go ahead and get it all out into the open.

It's all up to her.

But when she catches one glimpse of the expression on his face, she knows what she has to do. It might hurt to hear, yes, but prolonging that any longer only has the potential to make it hurt even more. She swallows, catches her breath. When she finally makes the admission, her voice is barely above a whisper.]


Yes.
common_name: (and i feel like i do)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-18 11:54 pm (UTC)(link)
[Even though his gaze drops, hers stays on him. Taking in the most minute details. He's gone quiet, that dangerous sort of quiet; she's seen it enough to know it. Maybe she can't read his mind, but she's sure she might have a fairly good idea of the thoughts that are currently going through his head.

The thoughts she can't stand to let him have.

Again, the impulse to cross the room, to bridge that gap of distance between them, strikes her. More than anything, she wants to convey one simple message, even if any efforts to would be ultimately futile. No matter what he's thinking, this isn't his fault. She has to do something. Every second of watching him like this only twists that knife into her deeper and deeper....--

Her feet only carry her one step before they freeze again.]
common_name: (a faithless path i roam)

Didn't even notice B)

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-19 08:44 am (UTC)(link)
[What that provides is about the furthest thing from reassurance. She can see through it in less than half a second; the chain reaction created by those thoughts is obviously written on his face. Even now, when years have passed, when circumstances have changed... Spike's reactions remain completely predictable.

And that's exactly what worries her.

She doesn't return his smile. Instead, in response, the look on her own face only becomes more troubled. No, he can't go anywhere else right now, so he's safe for the moment. But who knows how long that'll last? Whatever this is, whatever plan he may or may not be trying to formulate in his mind right now, she has to stop him. No matter what.]


Spike. [It's short, clipped, serious. But wavering. Just like that day, so long ago, when he'd approached her with a plan.]
common_name: (the size of our fight)

would I ever lie to you? :(

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-19 10:24 pm (UTC)(link)
[It really does come out of nowhere. So much so that it takes her aback just a bit. As predictably as this whole scene has been playing out, this is the one thing that hasn't. Such direct questions usually aren't their forte, and she doesn't immediately know how to respond.

Because it's the truth, hitting her smack in the face. Her most underlying motivation, brought out into the open. Perhaps he could still read her as well as he once could. Rather than making her nervous, that knowledge is almost... a relief, in some way.

In that moment, she makes a decision to go through with a move of her own that's almost unprecedented, at least by their standards lately. She wills her feet to complete those last few steps, not stopping until she's reached the edge of the bed where he's still sitting. There's barely a moment's hesitation before she takes a seat next to him, a hand reaching for one of his.

Then, gently:]


You're not responsible.
common_name: (who can tell me apart)

i see how it is

[personal profile] common_name 2012-02-21 05:41 am (UTC)(link)
[It'd been a risk. A leap of faith, if you wanted to get completely cliche. For so long now, she'd been holding back, not wanting to tip the balance of something that circumstance had made so fragile. Not wanting to overstep her bounds, to force him into something that he'd have to take her word for. Fighting every last impulse to the death.

More than anything, she's tired of fighting. Especially when the prospect of the one thing she wants, the one thing she needs, is sitting right next to her. Maybe that makes her selfish in some way. But maybe she can be awarded that one small indulgence.

As the tension lifts, a smile flashes over her features, practically gone in five seconds, but it's unmistakable. Her eyes briefly cast downward to catch a glimpse of her hand on his, almost as if she needs visual confirmation of it, before lifting once more.]


I'll always be on your side. [It might be as hollow of a promise as anything is. But there's a weight to her words, one that implies something much deeper than what's on the surface of this conversation.]