[4]

[savethedarkness]

[M hasn't spent long in her new room at all, but even so, she's not happy with it. she almost liked it better in the clinic. there, she had the anonymity she's used to: but here they've pasted her name in gold on the door. her REAL one, where she's spent the last few weeks introducing herself as Emma to save her skin. it's something that's easily worked around, but it still eats at her, and not necessarily because a secret she's used to keeping has been blown wide open. what's slowly bothering her more is that there's only one person who ever called her by that name, and he's far gone. sure, one other person knows her real name, but she'll be damned before she lets him speak it. it's a matter of pride, even as she knows she'll do whatever she can for that one other person. her stubborn nature's at war with the fact that she still feels her duty around her, even here. she's kept it inside well - she's an expert at that, after all. and yet, today - with everyone spilling their hearts out their mouths, she's been watching with a mounting horror, knowing it's only a matter of time.

so she paces her room like a kenneled animal, fidgeting, irritated, until the words can't be contained and fly out, bitten out and bitter. just the right sort of song.]

♫ Loneliness?!
Is a place that I know well
It's the distance between us
And the space inside ourselves ♪

♪ And emptiness?
Is the chattering in your head
It's the call of the living
And the race from life to death
Whoa and I know - yeah, and I know
What you feel... ♪

[she absently reaches up to touch her cheek, feeling along her jawline, as if she expects her face to feel different - as if she needs to make sure it's still there. there are things that haunt her, these days, that follow her. sins to think on.]

♩ And I've got a longin' that's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time, my dear,
Tryin' to find the place where I belong... ♩

♪ Hopelessness ...
Is the darkness in your heart
It's the sound of one hand clapping
While it's pulling you apart
Whoa and I know - yeah, and I know
What you feel... ♪

[despite herself, her voice gains confidence, and the things that have been haunting her fade, and she remembers her strength, looking down at her hands. most of the powder burns have faded, but she knows there's less frailty in her than there would appear to be. she knows her will is still intact. that like others, it will take more than words or one bad night to stop her. or one musical number, for that matter]

♩ And I've got a longin' that's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time my dear
Tryin' to find the place where I belong ♩

♩ And I got a hunger that's hard to fill
Driving me on overkill
Tellin' me that everything's gone wrong
Got me a need that I can't break
More than I can hardly take
Somehow I still keep on going strong ♩

♬ When I call your name
I'm gonna scream out loud
I'll say, here I am standing in the crowd
You'll say, come to me, with your open mind
You never know what you still might find... ♬

♪ But you keep me here like a cancelled flight
An empty train running through the night
An orphan child - a broken shoe
And I'm still down here
Lookin' out for you
Are you there for me?
'Cause I'm here for you... ♫

[she shakes her head, disgusted with herself. there are worse things she could have laid bare, by far, but this ... this one's fresh, it's still raw and literally still healing. she sits down at her desk and buries her face in her hands, completely done with this nonsense. once she's had a moment to compose herself, she speaks up, plain and sharp, as though none of that just left her lips]

I'd give someone half the jewels in the Tower if they'd bring me a bloody cup of tea about now.

Comments

[last_rat_standing]

[He dispenses with the normal formalities. Why bother at this point. He is, however, holding a tray that he sets down on a nearby table. Tea. There.]

I hope you know I don't plan on making a habit of this.

[savethedarkness]

[she'll give him just the tiniest hint of a smirk. of course you don't, Bond. of course you don't. she won't quite dive on it, but she certainly doesn't waste any time in fixing herself a cup]

There's a man I'd like you to look out for. I don't have a name, yet, but that's never been a problem for you before.

[last_rat_standing]

Tell me everything.

[right to the point. He doesn't play around. You want him to work give him something to work with.]

[savethedarkness]

I haven't heard his voice ... he only communicates in writing. [she takes up her journal and flips through the pages until she finds the two that she's marked]

But I'm sure you'll agree he's the sort we should keep on radar.

[last_rat_standing]

[he takes a moment to read over the pages she'd marked, frowning as his eyes scan over the pages. Well now. This is certainly interesting.]

I'll see what I can find out.

[savethedarkness]

Good. [she nods. good to know you're on creeper duty, double-o-seven....

... but now they're out of official business. and she doesn't quite want him to go. not today, not when she's so ... well, she wouldn't call it homesick, but ... there's a lot on her mind. she takes a sip of her tea]

We've left Britain, but Britain hasn't exactly left us, has it.

[she's mostly referring to Anne and Elizabeth, but she also means the marks their respective duties have left. the things that basically led them to turn into walking Broadway numbers]

[last_rat_standing]

[creeper duty... that's certainly a unique way of putting it.

He shakes his head, picking up his own cup of tea and taking a sip.]

Nor should it.

[Royalty aside he's not going to let some magic castle remove his sense of loyalty and duty. That's been one thing that has carried him on through his long years of service. Without it... he's not sure who or what he would be except for a drunkard womanizer. He'd never outright say it but having a purpose - having something or someone to fight for - is part of how he defines himself. Duty first, self second.]

[savethedarkness]

[she nods, silent for a moment as she thinks over the things that aren't being outwardly said, but are being said nonetheless. they each know how to read the other.]

Here, though, there's a good deal less of it. I fear I may have to find a hobby.

[she actually sounds vaguely resentful of it. hobbies. she didn't have time for the things that she should've been minding at home, once - never mind hobbies.]

[last_rat_standing]

[He can't help but smirk at the image of M doing something other than running MI6, fighting with the PM or getting on his arse about something he'd done.]

Are you going to take up knitting, now?

[savethedarkness]

[of course, now that he's said it, she's going to have to find something equally doddering, something she can do just to poke fun at him. she keeps her face impassive, as amusing as the notion is]

I might just. One never knows in this place. I could suddenly decide that everyone in this heap of rock needs their own bloody tea cozy, and I wouldn't have a lick of say in it.

[last_rat_standing]

[He blinks. Somehow he wouldn't be surprise if she did just that out of spite. He'd wake up one morning to find a package of tea cozies at his door or some such nonsense]

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to get a bit of practice in, then.