Sixty Sixth Sip

[mal_addict]

[Parents and children]

The castle doesn't give me a little bundle of joy any more, so I thought I would help you all with this charming little bedtime story I found in the library. So settle the little...darlings down and we'll begin.

[She clears her throat, narrating the book in the sweetest possible tone someone who sounds like a hammer horror vampire can]

The cats nestle close to their kittens now
The lambs have laid down with the sheep
You are cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep

[Not missing a beat]

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep
I know you're not thirsty, that's bullshit, stop lying!
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep

All the kids from daycare are in dreamland
The froggy has made his last leap
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep!

The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle
The sparrow has silenced her cheep
Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit
Close your eyes, cut the crap: sleep

[In a cheerful whisper] Did it work?


[The lucky, the few, the childless]

There, I think they'll be too busy explaining to their children what a select number of rude words are now to make bitchy complaining posts over the journal, or saccharine updates on how their child is amazing and far more precious than any other child that ever existed.

You're welcome.

Comments

Filter forever | dictated;

[panicswitched]

[ excuse her for a minute. she's just going to die laughing over here. no big deal. ]

Beautiful.

[originalcopy]

That... was the best bedtime story ever.

And no, it didn't work.

[mal_addict]

I do what I can. I'm feeling very generous today.

[mal_addict]

I thought so too.

What a shame.

[originalcopy]

Yeah, I'm all broken up over it.

[He doesn't need to sleep so it's really a question of getting a damned break from the kid.]

[mal_addict]

Not enjoying the joys of fatherhood I take it?

[Second Filter]

[whistles_the_blues]

They'll do it anyways.

[Yeah, someone has daddy issues so this whole thing has him pretty grouchy.]

[originalcopy]

Meh, it's not really much different than babysitting the idiots I was stationed with back home.

At least the kid isn't going to load any guns with crayons. So, that's a bonus.

[He wishes he was kidding about that.]

that second filter

[unnaturalpause]

[Be so glad he can't see that first one, Mal.]

What did you say to them? [Rude words, oh boy.]

[mal_addict]

...The idiots back home loaded your guns with crayons?

I'm not completely up to date with modern earth weapons but even I know that's monumentally stupid.

forever!

[mal_addict]

[She activates her innocent tone. You know, that one she's used when she's been a complete and utter bitch? That one]

I didn't say anything to them. I just read them a bedtime story.

forever!

[mal_addict]

No doubt, it will only stem the flow for so long.

[whistles_the_blues]

You tried though. So you get points for effort.

[originalcopy]

That would be Caboose.

Yeah, have I mentioned that I really hated it there.

[mal_addict]

Oh goodie, I do so enjoy points.

[mal_addict]

How did you resist the urge to just shoot them in the foot. [Assuming you could hit their foot ooooooh]

[originalcopy]

Poorly.

[He shot one of Caboose's pinky toes off, thank you very much.]

Honestly though, it would be like kicking a puppy.

[Satisfying in the moment but then you'd just feel dirty and evil afterwards.]

Second filter

[honeytoes]

I'm sure their children are absolutely unique...just like every other fucker in the world.

[Somebodys maternal instincts are shining through.]

[mal_addict]

Ahh I understand. They're that braindead they can't even defend themselves.

forever!

[mal_addict]

[She groans]

Honestly, you'd think they'd have learned by now. Or at least been able to contain it so the rest of us don't have to suffer through their drivel.

[originalcopy]

Pretty much.

I mean Tucker probably could, he's just really fuckin' lazy.

Fuk!

Wha...Goddammit, what did I tell you about swearing?!

[A little girl is giggling in the background.]

Second filter forever

[forsometimenow]

Not quite sure whether to be amused or horrified. Think I'm a bit of both.

First filter

[kungfuwitch]

Well that's certainly a... unique bedtime story. [At least she's laughing, though]

[whistles_the_blues]

If you collect enough, you might get the high score.

first filter

[spongetastic]

[a six-year-old voice comes through the journal]

Do you know if that story is in Japanese?