Sixty Sixth Sip

[mal_addict]

[Parents and children]

The castle doesn't give me a little bundle of joy any more, so I thought I would help you all with this charming little bedtime story I found in the library. So settle the little...darlings down and we'll begin.

[She clears her throat, narrating the book in the sweetest possible tone someone who sounds like a hammer horror vampire can]

The cats nestle close to their kittens now
The lambs have laid down with the sheep
You are cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep

[Not missing a beat]

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep
I know you're not thirsty, that's bullshit, stop lying!
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep

All the kids from daycare are in dreamland
The froggy has made his last leap
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep!

The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle
The sparrow has silenced her cheep
Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit
Close your eyes, cut the crap: sleep

[In a cheerful whisper] Did it work?


[The lucky, the few, the childless]

There, I think they'll be too busy explaining to their children what a select number of rude words are now to make bitchy complaining posts over the journal, or saccharine updates on how their child is amazing and far more precious than any other child that ever existed.

You're welcome.

Comments

Filter forever | dictated;

[panicswitched]

[ excuse her for a minute. she's just going to die laughing over here. no big deal. ]

Beautiful.

[mal_addict]

I do what I can. I'm feeling very generous today.

[panicswitched]

So very generous. Man, you should keep that up every night. They'll never complain again.

[originalcopy]

That... was the best bedtime story ever.

And no, it didn't work.

[mal_addict]

I thought so too.

What a shame.

[originalcopy]

Yeah, I'm all broken up over it.

[He doesn't need to sleep so it's really a question of getting a damned break from the kid.]

[Second Filter]

[whistles_the_blues]

They'll do it anyways.

[Yeah, someone has daddy issues so this whole thing has him pretty grouchy.]

forever!

[mal_addict]

No doubt, it will only stem the flow for so long.

[whistles_the_blues]

You tried though. So you get points for effort.

that second filter

[unnaturalpause]

[Be so glad he can't see that first one, Mal.]

What did you say to them? [Rude words, oh boy.]

forever!

[mal_addict]

[She activates her innocent tone. You know, that one she's used when she's been a complete and utter bitch? That one]

I didn't say anything to them. I just read them a bedtime story.

Second filter

[honeytoes]

I'm sure their children are absolutely unique...just like every other fucker in the world.

[Somebodys maternal instincts are shining through.]

forever!

[mal_addict]

[She groans]

Honestly, you'd think they'd have learned by now. Or at least been able to contain it so the rest of us don't have to suffer through their drivel.

Second filter forever

[forsometimenow]

Not quite sure whether to be amused or horrified. Think I'm a bit of both.

[mal_addict]

I consider it revenge. I'm bored of the journals being filled with baby gurgles.

First filter

[kungfuwitch]

Well that's certainly a... unique bedtime story. [At least she's laughing, though]

forever!

[mal_addict]

Isn't it? It's amazing what you can find in the library.

first filter

[spongetastic]

[a six-year-old voice comes through the journal]

Do you know if that story is in Japanese?

forever!

[mal_addict]

...What?

[Oh damnit she didn't plan on actually speaking to one of the little buggers]

I don't know. I don't even know what a Japanese looks like.

[rightchoices]

I owe you in a big way, I think.

[mal_addict]

Don't mention it. Just doing my duty.

[heloise]

No, but the sentiment is appreciated.

[mal_addict]

Well, so long as I've achieved that much.

dictated

[psych0p0mps]

[WELP you wanted kids to hear the story? Ask and thou shalt receive, Mal! Some quiet giggling can be heard, and then a little boy and little girl.]

Hehehe! Hey Eri. Eri. Go the fuck to fleep.

Hehe, no, you go the fuck to sleep.

forever!

[mal_addict]

[HER MISSION IS SUCCESSFUL]

There you go. Good children.