paradisa | 001 | Dictated

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carley

001 | Dictated

You know, at first I thought this place was too good to be true. There's nice beds, I took the world's longest shower, the kitchen is filled with food, and everything is nicely protected by giant stone walls.

Apparently, it also has the world's hottest coffee.

[There's an annoyed sigh now, followed by the sound of ceramic clinking against ceramic.]

After the coffee I wished for in my room burned the fuck out of my mouth, I came down to the kitchen to make my own. Guess what?

Still hot as lava. So I try iced coffee, what the hell, it's hot outside anyway.

Burned again. I could see the god damn ice cubes, but no.

So I've decided. This is hell.

[Anyone who happens to come to the kitchen now will find Carley glaring at a counter with cups of coffee lined up, all of her attempts that have quite literally burned her.

Stupid coffee.]

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[Well, that confirms what he was already sure of. Carley's in the castle, and she sounds alive. He considers hiding away, but he's desperately missed her. He can't NOT go to see her]

Sure, I'll be right down.

[And he pretty much jogs there, only avoiding running for the sake of trying not to look too out of breath when he gets into the kitchen. He stands by the door for a moment, eyes wide. There she is]

I-...uh. Hi.

[She's very much alive, and happy to see him no matter what he might be expecting. When she does see him, she waves him in.]

Come here. We should probably talk, but first I have something for you.

[He's not sure how to feel about the fact she's happy to see him. He's happy to see her, of course, but the guilt is still very much there. He loiters by the door, a touch frightened to step forward, in case some action of his does her even more damage.

Eventually, though, he steps towards her, trying a weak smile and not quite getting it right]

...You do?

[Once he's close enough, she tugs him in for a hug. She can't imagine how hard things must have gotten for him, but it couldn't have been easy. She can't go back in time and stop Lilly, but she can at least make sure Ben is okay now.]

It wasn't your fault, Ben.

[Carley you are so short, do you know how much he has to bend to hug you? Still, he welcomes it, one of those aching voids in his life put carefully back into place. He returns the hug, letting out a shuddering breath. Jesus, it feels like it's been years since he's seen her last, so much has happened since then.

Her comment makes his heart sink, even without his loss, he knows he couldn't lie to her now. Not after everything, so he tenses, standing upright, eyes cast down to the ground]

Yes. It was.

Edited 2013-08-26 01:12 (UTC)

[Even though he stands up straight again, Carley keeps on hand on his arm.]

No, Ben, it really wasn't. What happened was all on Lilly. She lost it after what happened on that fucked up farm.

[He tugs his arm away to fold them over one another, his shoulders hunching up. God. Even now she's so willing to leap to his defence. And he knows, absolutely, that it's that willingness that inevitably got her killed]

No. You- you don't get it. It was all my fault. What happened on the roadside, what happened after, it was all me.

[He's scared to tell her, terrified. If reactions from most of the other group members is anything to go by, he could lose her again, just after getting her back. It would be so much easier to just bury it, not let her ever know.

...But it would be wrong. It ate him up with Kenny and he knows with Carley it would be even worse. No. Terrible as the thought is, he knows he has to put his cards on the table, and if he loses her over it...well, it'd be pretty much what he'd deserve]

Lilly was right. I was the one making a deal with the bandits.

[That draws her up short, has her frowning. For a moment she thinks he can't be serious, but just looking at him, that posture, the way Clementine said he was scared...]

Shit, Ben. Why?

[And for a moment, she waits for an answer before her brain catches up, shock is overridden and she shakes her head.]

It doesn't even matter. Lilly was the one with the gun, not you.

[He's about to start explaining it, when she cuts him short. He wasn't expecting that, not really. He's not sure what he WAS expecting. Some anger, maybe? Frustration?]

And she wouldn't have shot you if I'd of just owned up to it.

[There's another pause, but he knows Carley deserves an explanation at least] They said they had my friend. I- we barely got out of that gym, the three of us, we didn't think we'd left anyone behind. They told me they'd keep him alive if I gave them supplies. By the time I realised they hadn't got him at all, it was too late, and they were threatening to kill us all if I didn't keep it up.

I was fucking stupid and it got way too many people killed.

You're right, Ben. You're absolutely right, she would have shot you instead and that isn't any better.

[He's been pulling away, but she steps forward and puts both her hands on his shoulders.]

You should have told us. I know things were fucked but damn it, do you really think we wouldn't have understood that?

You would have still been alive if she did. And- [and all those other people he ended up indirectly killing] Everyone would have been better off.

[He tries to step back, but it's a feeble attempt. He's torn between hiding away and just...staying. To be near her again, after all this time]

Pretty sure Lilly wouldn't have understood, and I don't know, I just...I was just worried she'd make good on what she said when I arrived and just kick me out. I never thought it would turn into that...mess.

[It's a feeble attempt against her absolute refusal to let him do this, shoulder the blame for her death.]

I don't really care if Lilly would have understood or not, we wouldn't have ever let her send you away. And if you go down that road of "things that would be different if" a lot of stuff would change and I really doubt all of it would be for the better, so don't.

[She shakes him, but not too hard.]

I don't blame you. What happened is done, we deal with the future now.

[The blame is already pretty solidly in him by now, added to those of Kat and Duck, Chuck and Brie...hell, maybe even Kenny and Lilly, if they didn't survive. The shaking does seem to do much, he knows they would have been better off without him]

Yeah, well, I still blame me. [He's quiet for a moment] Did you know Duck was bitten during the raid?

[That particular revelation must have come after everyone got off the RV. Carley just stares at him for a moment, shaking her head.]

He- oh god, Duck?

[Ben's shoulders hunch up even more, as if the weight he carries with him of these events is visible]

He got- he got real sick. Kenny and Katjaa, they decided it was time to [he taps the side of his head, where his own bullet wound is, just about hidden with his hair] put him out of his misery.

[Another deep breath, this one more shuddery] But Katjaa she- she shot herself. And then Lee shot Duck.

[He finally decides to look at her again, his expression full of hurt and regret] So I've still got plenty of people who died because of my mistakes. They'd still be alive if it wasn't for me. You'd still be alive.

You should have all just left me in the woods.

[It's so much, so much to take in. Katjaa and Duck, both gone? After everything she'd seen, after how fast they lost Doug and Larry and Mark, it shouldn't be a shock.

But it is. It's still the lives of people she cared about. Her hands tighten on Ben's shoulders, but then she just pulls him in to hug him again.]

Kat would never blame you for that, Ben. She'd hate it if she knew you did.

[He freezes with the hug, and almost doesn't return it. When he does, it's half hearted, he doesn't deserve it]

I guess I'll never find out for sure. It doesn't make it any less my fault, anyway.

I'm telling you for sure. I was with her for three months, I think I know.

[She's not letting him go. Maybe he can pick up some of the forgiveness she has for him through osmosis and try to let go of his guilt if she just keeps insisting it's not his fault.]

[Oh, if only that were easy. Still, he realises that he's not going to escape by resisting Carley-hugs, so he relents and returns it]

...I don't know.

[How long has it been since someone who wasn't Clementine hugged him? He could probably use a lot more of this kind of thing and she'll see to it that it happens.]

Well I do. You're a smart kid, you'll figure it out too.

[The answer there is a hardy "since too long". He gives a humourless laugh at the smart kid comment]

Not smart enough to know when someone is obviously tricking me.

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001 | Dictated

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