paradisa | First Shot

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tess

First Shot

[Everything changes with the bat of an eye.

While she registers the change immediately, it takes a moment to truly sink in. Tess finds herself in what could only be a dream –– she hasn't seen a bedroom so immaculate and new and utterly inviting outside of old magazines in decades, and she's certainly never slept in one. She's never even stayed in a hotel this nice, never had her own place with such crisp, perfect white linens. The very act of being in a well-kept bedroom is jarring and discomforting and panic-inducing.

The only thing that keeps her from outright panicking is the fact that she still has her handgun in her hands, her arms outstretched to point it at some invisible intruders, her finger laid against the side of the gun, ready to move to the trigger at a heartbeat's notice––

Seconds ago, there had been bullets, and Joel and Ellie's retreating footsteps––

There's an assortment of things on the dresser, a hairbrush that had likely never even approached anyone's scalp, a comb with all its teeth, a jewelry box that looks freshly polished––

There had been a throbbing in her chest and collarbone and neck, and––

No, no, the throbbing is still there, the collar of her shirt half-stuck to the mess that is her throat, and Tess could (and can) feel it almost thrumming under her skin, almost moving––

Tess backs up into a wall, her support hand leaving the base of the gun in favour of splaying against the immaculate paint. Purple. The walls are rich, warm purple, without so much as a hairline crack, and Tess is pressing the grime of her skin and clothes against it. She feels like she needs to apologize, even when there is no one around to apologize to.

She's alone here, almost. Alone as any host is.

She's not sure if she can "feel" the infection crawling under her skin because she knows it's working its way towards her brain so that it might kill her, or if there really are cordyceps tendrils spawning in her veins, winding through her muscle tissue and up her neck to her skull. Have they reached her brain yet? Will it hurt when they do?

Of course it's going to hurt, she tells herself, almost angrily. But Joel and Ellie are gone, and oh thank god, Joel is gone, Joel doesn't have to see this, and there are no soldiers to shoot her like a fucking rabid dog, and it's just her and the gun and this immaculate not-quite-afterlife hotel room.

It was easy to maintain her composure when she had work to do and Joel to protect –– she couldn't let him see her die or turn or suffer, she had her pride and her obligations to her goddamn partner –– but now she's alone and she is going to become a monster if she doesn't put herself out of her own misery.

Tess fits the barrel of the gun to her chin.

Don't be such a fucking coward, Tess.

She pulls it away, takes a hard breath, and closes her eyes for a beat.

It's only been a few hours. You've got hours. Maybe twelve hours, or twenty-four, or maybe even forty-eight––

When she opens her eyes, they settle immediately on the window across from "her" bedroom wall. More importantly, they settle on what appears to be a distant city basking under a summer sun, and for an instant she thinks of being a teenager again, when she dreamed of backpacking across Europe. There were lots of pictures of little French cities all over the Internet, back then, cities that could still feel like quaint little towns despite their sprawl.

For a moment, she just stares in silence, and then she says:]

Couldn't pick a nicer fucking place to die, huh...

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Yeah, well. I still know jack shit about this place so I'm not going to be much help. [Oddly, she doesn't sound hostile when she says that. Just... frustrated. Frustrated with herself because here's someone that was lost because of her alive again, and she can't do anything to help her.] And anything I say is going to sound completely fucking crazy and I'm aware of that, but I swear that it's all true.

[Ugh it was easier with Joel, who calmed down enough as soon as they were reunited, but with Tess so worked up - for good reason - and fuck she's still injured this is going to be hard.]

We - you, me, Joel, everyone living in this tower - we were all kidnapped. Somehow, I don't know, I don't think anyone knows. And we're all stuck here now. I don't know who did it but as far as I've been able to tell, they're not hostile.

[Yeah she's heard the the castle does it explanation but she's still not ready to believe that just yet.]

[Tess sighs and holsters her handgun. Even if she'd rather keep it out, she's got to get a goddamn grip on herself, and she's a little horrified with herself. If she'd ended it a few moments ago, Ellie would have seen something very, very different, and now...

Well, not much has changed, now. She's kidnapped and in a tower, but she could be on the fucking moon and it wouldn't change anything. She's still going to have to check out in thirty-six or so hours or else things are just going to get worse, and she isn't about to make Ellie or Joel see that, much less do it themselves.

And Joel is here too.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.]

Ellie. [She feels helpless. She could tear her hair out at the roots.] Ellie, you ever heard that saying about things too good to be true? Kidnappers don't play like that, especially.

But nothing's gonna change. Like I said before... last stop.

Oh, trust me, I know that saying pretty well by now. This place seems fucking perfect - no Infected, no food rationing, easy access to medicine... none of that shit. It really is too good to be true, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[She holds off saying that she knows now it's not as perfect as it seems. She still can't get the sketch Lara had shown her of that "collector" thing out of her head, and that sure as hell is going to be a problem... but Tess has bigger things to worry about right now. If Ellie felt overloaded after everything she took in, she can't imagine how Tess is going to react.]

Remember how I said whatever I might tell you is crazy? Yeah, here's where I start talking fucking nonsense. Don't ask me how the hell it's all possible, because seriously, I still don't know. [A pause to let that sink in, to prepare herself for another outburst, before she continues.]

The people here, the ones trapped like us... they're from different worlds. It sounds like a bunch of bullshit sci-fi nonsense, but it's true. Most of the ones I met? They don't even know what the Infected are.

Even if they don't know anything about the Infected, maybe... maybe there's someone here who can help.

[Ellie is so damn young, Tess thinks. She doesn't know what it was like to see Infection for the first time, never experienced the panic of this previously unknown terror. She had thought science fiction was the future once, too, like flying cars and Minority Report and i, Robot were the future. As a teenager, she'd never expected to spend her adult years rationing electricity just to have a lightbulb on after dark.

Even if she could believe in other worlds...]

Ellie, no. [It comes out harsher than she expected, even from herself.] The military in our world knows what to expect and they still put down Infected... [Her. People like her.] They put down Infected even knowing there's time left. People who don't know are just going to panic more, and if it spreads...

Ellie, I am NOT gonna risk spreading it here. Go back to Joel, do what I fucking told you to do just ten minutes ago in Boston. Don't tell him you saw me. Now GO.

[Despite a couple of days of settling into Paradisa and experiencing proof for himself that everything Ellie had told him about the place was true, Joel's paranoia isn't going away easy. Wishing for stuff, peace and quiet, enjoying the comforts of what life used to be like before the outbreak-- that was all well and good, but there was no way it could last.

The residents said the castle itself was responsible, but it had to be people. It was always people in the end. Who was doing this? And why, and how? Questions that nobody could answer. The whole thing still made him uneasy, and so too much time spent apart from Ellie meant he would eventually go looking for her.

She's in one of these rooms, he can hear her. Joel strolls closer to what sounds like the right area and freezes in place when he recognizes the other voice in the room. He's close enough to catch the tail end of that conversation. Don't tell him you saw me.

It couldn't be. It fucking couldn't be. The dead stayed dead. The dead stayed dead. Jolting into action before his thoughts can catch up with him, he rushes forward and busts through the open door. His heart is hammering so loud he almost can't hear anything else, the sound resonating in his ears. Joel slows to a stop soon after rushing in, locks his eyes on her and feels his chest seize up with so much pain that he can't do anything at first but stare.

It couldn't be, but there she was. In the flesh.]

Tess...

Edited 2013-08-27 02:42 (UTC)

[Tess isn't sure if she's furious with him for his poor timing and making her go through this again, or horrified that she's about to do it again. As soon as Joel comes in, she takes a few steps back, as if her infection could spread by proximity alone.

She misreads the look on his face. She hates him for an instant for reminding her that her death is going to shatter him. Her death is going to take this man she cares about so much and twist the knife right in his heart.

And her carelessness will have caused it, and now he's here, taking away the least she could do for him.

He can't see her like this.

Tess locks her jaw and gives him a firm look.]

Joel. We just went over this. You have to go. [A pause, a hard dry swallow.] Get the girl out of here. I'm not... I won't let you see me like this.

[Now he was sure someone was fucking with him. This can't be real, that's all he kept thinking to himself, but here was more proof that the castle could warp time. Oh, Christ, something had brought her back to them from the exact moment before she'd been taken from them. That couldn't just be a coincidence.

He knows. He knows exactly what she remembers last, not just from her words alone but from the way she's looking at him, from her scattering away as soon as he ran into the room. He knows most of all because she's pulling the same shit she pulled when she first told him to leave.

Make this easy for me.

He comes out of his shocked daze slowly, his features hardening up in turn. Joel takes a step closer and chokes out the start of a response that sounds furious and hurt all at once:] We did not--

We did not just go through this, Tess. I did not just go through this. [And he stalks forward, takes a few steps closer to her. He's not sure what he's even gonna do if he reaches her but he can't seem to stop.] You've been gone a long time.

[Her eyes narrow and she turns her head as if to look away, but she doesn't dare take her eyes off of him. When Joel bristles, she bristles too; it's the push and pull of their relationship, two headstrong people who love the same way they fight. Most of the time, anyway. Right now, she just wants to leave, but there's no getting around Joel to get to that door.]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[Nobody told her about time differences. Nobody told her about coming back from the dead. True, it would have been inevitable, but to consider life going on without her...

Christ.

When Joel reaches, she lifts a hand to brush him away, but she doesn't quite get there –– her hand lingers midair, almost reaching but then shying away, and she stays a hair's breadth from his reach.]

Joel, I just did this, please don't make me do it again. Come on.

It's exactly what it sounds like.

[Ellie isn't stupid. Ellie knows that right now it probably would be best for her to just stay quiet and let Joel and Tess work out whatever the hell it was between them. And if this had been anyone else, she would've been just fine just waiting on the sidelines until she could speak up again.

But of course, it was practically instinct for her to back Joel up now, so she had to say something.]

Before we got dragged here, we were both in Wyoming. It was springtime.

[Thousands of miles apart and nearly a year between. Shit, she's once again aware of just now crazy she sounds, but fuck it she can't beat around the bush with someone like Tess.]

[Ellie pipes up with the facts, but he doesn't take his eyes off Tess either. He's staring her down and challenging her to accept that this was something new for them to deal with. They're gonna have to think of a new way to deal with it.

She was still bit, but he'd been told nobody could die in Paradisa. Maybe it couldn't spread. Maybe it didn't develop past the bite. Maybe that was stupidly idealistic, way too idealistic for someone like Joel, but fucking hell he wasn't gonna let this happen the same way twice.]

And there's no soldiers knocking down our door. There won't be any at all. We've got time.

[That was one thing he'd learned since he got here. People weren't at each other's throats like rabid dogs. They could work this out, they could... something, they could think of something.]

Tess. [And her name is just a hoarse whisper this time when he takes the opportunity to grab hold of the hand that doesn't manage to push him away, almost yanking her in closer with his grip. He won't let her slip away, not this time. Knowing Tess, she might just sock him in the face. He doesn't care.] I won't leave you alone with it this time.

[She tenses up when he pulls her, and she plants her free hand on his chest to keep some distance between them, the only resistance she has strength for right now. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She almost wishes there were soldiers around. It'd be easier to keep the adrenaline up, easier to stay in "fight" mode. Right this instant, "flight" is looking pretty good, especially with Joel wanting to protect her. She can't do that to him. She just can't.]

I appreciate the thought, but we don't have time. I've got a day at best, and in twenty years I've never heard of someone getting around it. No reason to believe anything's changed now.

[Her eyes move to the floor, then back to Joel, and then back down again. She's glad Ellie is here; more cause to try to keep her composure, even if she feels like her throat is closing up and her eyes are getting glassy. Don't be such a coward, Tess. She hates having that desperate edge on her voice, but Joel is her partner. Of course he'd be the only one capable of doing that to her.]

And I ain't dragging you down with me. I've gotta go.

Edited 2013-08-27 12:56 (UTC)

A day is time. It's more time than we had before.

[He allows it, that little gap she's keeping between them, because if it was him he'd be acting the same damn way. He'd be saying the same exact things. But he squeezes his hand tight over her wrist to keep her from bolting and tries to think. Twenty-four hours and the clock is ticking; he can barely keep his thoughts straight, but he knows he's not gonna disappear on her without reason.

No soldiers, no incoming threats and they were the only three people in the whole entire place who knew about this. They could make different choices.]

I'm staying with you. [His voice is nearly a growl, trembling slightly and roughed up from the unbidden pain that bleeds through it.] I'm staying with you until this passes, alright? Don't argue with me. My mind's made up.

[Joel spares a glance at Ellie, his face softening up a little when he does. He can't let her see what he knows he has to do, but he has some time. Twenty-four hours or maybe even longer. She's a smart kid; she'll catch onto his plan and she'll know what he's gonna want from her when the time comes.]

If things start to look bad, I'll take care of it.

If?

[She can hardly believe what he's saying. Or, rather, she can and does, but it would just be so much fucking easier for both of them if he could only resist temptation and let her go now.

Make this easy for me.

Tess might want to give up the ghost in face of becoming an Infected, but she doesn't want to give up this fight. Not for a second. She tenses in his grip, knowing a good right hook could get her free and enough time to go, but god damnit, it's already hard enough as it is. ]

There's not going to be an if, Joel, being in some... some whatever this is doesn't change reality. It ain't gonna pass –– it could even get you too. And I'm not gonna be put down by my own partner, or worse, take you with me.

[It's so hard to keep her voice from cracking, and her lip quavers just slightly when she continues.]

So you take Ellie and go.

Edited 2013-08-27 20:10 (UTC)

[Ellie's silent again, and for good reason. I'm staying with you until this passes, alright? God, Joel probably didn't realize it, but those words - this whole situation really - was an uncomfortable reminder of that dark day, three weeks before their journey kicked off. The promise she and Riley made, the torturous wait, the feeling of dread as her best friend slowly lost her humanity while Ellie stayed the same.

And she knows. God she knows how hard it must be for Joel to have to say I'll take care of it. Because she doesn't know exactly what's going on between the two, but she knows they're close in some way and having to put down someone that close to you with your own hands is the worst feeling in the world. And Ellie almost wants to speak up, to offer to do it in his place, but that look he gives her stops her.

But only for a moment. She still speaks up.]

We were all in this together in the beginning, right? [As strong as she's trying to make herself seem, there's still a slight waver to her voice.] That means we can't abandon you again. There are plenty of people here who know shit we don't, so it won't fucking hurt to try and find out if someone can help.

[He's already pissed at himself for the way that wording came out. For distancing himself from the responsibility with a vague statement, for separating the situation from Tess like the two weren't intractably linked. Just so he can keep hold of some stupid notion of his own humanity and pretend that he wasn't going to have to kill Tess. He takes a deep breath. It shudders in and shudders out. Everything hurts.

Don't use 'it', you fucking asshole. She's your partner. You take care of your partner. Don't you dare let yourself off the hook.

He thinks of Henry, all of a sudden. The memory flits in and out while he grasps in the dark for stability. The grip he has on Tess' wrist is so tight it's going to leave marks, he thinks. Any minute now she might make a run for it. He has to keep it together and convince her that this was the right way. He's grateful to Ellie for the support, as always.]

The kid's right, Tess. Look, I don't know everything about this place but there's something, something really weird going on here. [It almost sounds like someone else is speaking, not him. Everything is so far away. There was no cure for a bite and he'd made sure there never would be.] And I can take care of myself, you and this little girl if I have to. You know I can.

I can handle the worst outcome, so it can't hurt to wait. It can't hurt to at least wait.

[He shoots Ellie a look that has a hint of helplessness in it, but he's keeping it together. He's trying to think: she's been here the longest. Maybe she knew what their best option was.]

Edited 2013-08-27 21:41 (UTC)

[She can't even look at him when he says that, and the pressure on her wrist is almost a welcome distraction from the pain in her neck and the pain in her heart. It's practically tethering her to reality, right now, or as close to reality as it gets in a magic castle. Tess' head hangs, top of her head nearly brushing his chest, and she stares down at her feet for a long, hard moment.

Well, she supposes, if anyone's going to kill her, it should be him. She'd rather die in his arms than like an animal.

But she isn't going to die in his arms, and she knows that. That isn't how being infected works. That isn't how becoming Infected works. It's never simple, never that easy. There is no rose-tinted option to it, there is nothing poetic or romantic about death, certainly not when it's to be put out of your misery when the cordyceps has wound its tendrils tight into one's brain and latched on to whatever part of it gave humans souls.

For all their jokes, real romance died twenty years ago, on the same day that the American South went up in riots and violence and the flare of flames and gunfire alike.

Jesus Christ.

She looks up at him again, feeling disgusting for showing weakness when she's spent her entire adult life crafting herself to be anything but, and there's a tightness around her cheeks and throat that hurts. Maybe all people are cowards in death. Noble cowards, with all this self-sacrifice going on, but cowards nonetheless.]

It already hurts, Joel, please don't make this hurt more than it has to. Come on, baby, this is as much for you as it is for me. I don't want you to have to handle it at all.

[She could shoot herself just for letting her eyes well up, truthfully. Men. They want to be alone, and then they need you with them, and she, like an idiot, indulges Joel. Tess heaves a hard breath.]

But if that's what you need, I can wait. Just a little bit longer.

Edited 2013-08-27 21:51 (UTC)

[He's known her long enough that he knows when she's going to give. Even before her chin drops, he thinks he can feel it. The exact moment he senses it, it's like someone opens the floodgates on relief itself. He never wanted to leave Tess behind in the first place and this was his impossible, unbelievable chance for a do-over.

Lucky him. Joel's not even going to pretend that this relief doesn't come with a sense of overwhelming dread, and shit, he's scared. He's terrified of the moment he'll see the light go out of her eyes so that a monster can surface in its place.

She's right. It hurts like hell. Her words feel like knives, like she's making open wounds with them. He glances away from Ellie and back to her when she starts up, catching that sheen of water in her eyes and feeling a lump form in his throat that keeps him from being able to do anything other than direct the same helpless look right at her. He's barely ever seen her like this and he has no choice but to reflect it back at her. It intensifies more than he can stand, just for one second.

And then he shuts it down. Not completely, he can't manage completely, but if he doesn't compartmentalize some piece of this he's going to lose it right in front of Ellie. And that can't ever happen.

Joel nods, through distraction and through hurt. He loosens his grip on her wrist and touches at her arm instead, taking a step in closer before he can stop himself.]

Good. [A sigh for a sigh.] If you want to do something for me, don't make me leave you behind twice. Twice, Tess. That's not a favor, you hear?

Edited 2013-08-28 01:20 (UTC)

Didn't have a choice the first time, and I didn't want this to happen this time.

[She gestures to her own face, the weepy mess that she's dissolving into –– god, it's so much easier to keep it together with work on the brain, with a mission in mind. She could keep it together with so much else at stake, with guns being waved in her face, with something to fight for.

Here, there's none of that. And while she might have broken down for Joel in private, she sure as hell isn't doing it in front of Ellie.

Still, she lets him draw closer, though she stays tense, muscles seized as if even the slightest bit of comfort could prompt millions of little spores crawl over to him. There's so much misinformation on the streets, even in the Quarantine Zones, which still have some level of social structure and public health systems. Tess could spout off a dozen different theories about when one is or isn't contagious, how it is transferred and how one should handle a bite, and she still couldn't tell you which was safest.

The safest in her mind was that you took no chances and shot people who were infected.

She takes a second to wipe at her face with her free hand, just to compose herself a bit more.]

Christ. Good job Ellie here led you right to me, or else you might have missed your second chance.

What can I say? I've gotten pretty good at getting his ass where it needs to be.

[Humor may be inappropriate at a time like this, but hey, sometimes it can be a much-needed break in the conversation. So always trust Ellie to have a witty response on hand.]

[She sighs; she can't bring herself to laugh, but she can give a little noise of amusement, a last ditch effort at being lighthearted. Was she ever lighthearted?]

Good. Now get him to the Fireflies.

[Tess puts her hand to Joel's chest tiredly. Her hands are dirty, as usual, but today their coat of usual working grime seems extra thick. There's her own blood, too, from where she'd touched a hand to the wound earlier. Her own blood, her own sweat and her own tears, all for nothing but the last ditch hope that nobody else would die from Infection. Someday, anyway.

Only people on death's doorstep could possibly give a shit about that, in their hopeless world.]

Can we find pills, or something? I'd rather you didn't have to shoot me, Texas.

Edited 2013-08-28 04:03 (UTC)

[Joel just shuts his eyes and shakes his head. The two of them were always way too heavy for Ellie's own good, but there was a spark of horrible, unspoken truth in that exchange. Yeah, sure, she'd gotten his ass over to the Fireflies. Just so he could massacre them all to save one little girl. He's not sure Ellie understands that reality all the way yet, but he knows for a fact that Tess doesn't have a clue.

What would she do if he told her all about it? Those weren't waters he wanted to test right now. Tess had seemed hellbent on some pre-death idea of redemption that Joel had refused to buy from her. Survivors, not shitty people. He heaves another careful sigh and draws a path down the length of her forearm before letting that hand fall back to his side.

He blinks at her, tiredly. Texas. He never thought he'd hear that nickname in that same exact voice ever again. God.]

You wanna do this with pills? [Tired, exhausted words. He's bargaining with her on the best way to kill her.] That's gonna steal more time away from you than's strictly necessary, you know.

[Tess steps away from him, trying to find something else to fixate her attention on. She has this horrible mental image of being too far gone before Joel is willing to do it, and there's nothing relieving about only being shot when she's clawing and thrashing about. How many hours are enough before she can check out on his terms?

"Suicide" seems like the wrong word for any of this, not when she's going to die regardless.]

You wanna make this uglier than it has to be? At least I'd be responsible for it, not you.

[She pauses to wipe at her eyes again and then takes a deep breath. Compose yourself, compose yourself, you didn't spend twenty years rising to power only to cry about it all at the end. Tess forces herself to sound a little more resolved, a little more firm.]

And what are we gonna do with that time, anyway? Sit here and talk and write my eulogy together? Go for a stroll and talk about old times? Try to find a cure for cordyceps? The infection doesn't exactly have far to travel. I might not have that much time to begin with.

[Joel paces off to the side and rubs a hand over his jaw, muttering under his breath. She always did this. She's always doing this, he corrects himself, because she's still here. He turns back around and shrugs at her, arms crossing over his chest. Body language that's deliberately casual and teeming with anxiety at the same time.

He wants to take this conversation away from Ellie right about now.]

Fuck it, Tess. Let's go for a walk.

[Why not? Why the hell not? He's got a gun in his back-pocket.]

What have we got to lose?

Edited 2013-08-28 17:22 (UTC)

[A walk to the gallows. She can appreciate that, albeit in a strange, self-depreciating way. She'll even go willingly. After a brief moment of consideration, she nods –– yes, he can lead her out behind the shed. Only Joel could do that.]

Nothing worth keeping.

[She's dead anyway.]

Let's go for a walk.

[Her eyes turn to Ellie. There's so much she could say, but brief is best.]

Don't you let this be for nothing, kiddo.

[Ellie can't help but laugh at that; a short, almost hollow sound.]

You don't need to tell me that. It's been my fucking mantra for months now. Well, one of them, at least.

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