First Mission ⊕ Do you want ants? Because THAT'S how you get ants. [Accidentally Dictated]

[fairlyclassichim]

[Sterling Archer, international spy, is suction-cupped to the outside of the 30th story of a skyscraper. His colleague is careening down to her death, having slipped mere seconds ago.]

AAAAAAARRRRRCCCCHHHHHHEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!

I'M COOOOOOMMMMMMMIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!

Phrasing! Oof!

[Archer launches off the building into a backwards swan dive and freefalls after her in hot pursuit.]

LAAAAAAANNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA! WOOOOO HOOO HOOOO-HOOOOO!

[He passes her and turns mid-air, ready to grab on to the building again and catch her.

Instead, he comes to a sudden stop as he crashes down... on top of a dude... in some kind of bright turquoise body armor... in a strange kitchen he's never seen before in his life. The force of the fall slams them both into the counter, sending food flying everywhere as they both skid to a rough stop against the cabinets.]

WHAT THE SHIT? Where the hell am I? LANA!

Comments

[originalcopy]

Uh huh... and you deal with that by passing the fuck out. Well tough guy, it's only going to get better from here so get your ass in a chair before you hurt yourself.

[fairlyclassichim]

Oh excuse me like you didn't freak the hell out when you got here? You might pass out on occasion, too... if you'd survived cancer.

[He pauses for dramatic effect and to let that one sink in.]

Bet you feel like an asshole now, don't you?

[originalcopy]

Why, did it fuck up your brain? Are you like one of those retarded goats now?

[He is an asshole.]

[fairlyclassichim]

I - no - it wasn't even brain cancer!

[originalcopy]

Then I'm not seeing it.

[fairlyclassichim]

And you think I care if you're seeing it... why, again?

[originalcopy]

Well, apparently you cared enough to give a dramatic pause...

[fairlyclassichim]

Whoa. Buddy. Hold on. I'm perfectly capable of being dramatic while not actually caring about anything.

[originalcopy]

So why do you care if I care if you care then?

[fairlyclassichim]

You seemed to care about me fainting, which I understandably got a little defensive about, and after that I guess we were just arguing for the sake of arguing, really.

[originalcopy]

I wouldn't say care... amused maybe. I'm more concerned with what happened to Tucker...

[fairlyclassichim]

Fine. Whatever, it's settled - nobody cares about anything.

And if you're talking about the turquoise dude that looks like some kind of space robot, he's fine. Pretty nice guy, actually.