First Mission ⊕ Do you want ants? Because THAT'S how you get ants. [Accidentally Dictated]

[fairlyclassichim]

[Sterling Archer, international spy, is suction-cupped to the outside of the 30th story of a skyscraper. His colleague is careening down to her death, having slipped mere seconds ago.]

AAAAAAARRRRRCCCCHHHHHHEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!

I'M COOOOOOMMMMMMMIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!

Phrasing! Oof!

[Archer launches off the building into a backwards swan dive and freefalls after her in hot pursuit.]

LAAAAAAANNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA! WOOOOO HOOO HOOOO-HOOOOO!

[He passes her and turns mid-air, ready to grab on to the building again and catch her.

Instead, he comes to a sudden stop as he crashes down... on top of a dude... in some kind of bright turquoise body armor... in a strange kitchen he's never seen before in his life. The force of the fall slams them both into the counter, sending food flying everywhere as they both skid to a rough stop against the cabinets.]

WHAT THE SHIT? Where the hell am I? LANA!

Comments

Action/Dictated

[babyaliendaddy]

[And to think, that Tucker was going to start getting bored. There was no porn. There was nothing to shoot at. There wasn't even any Reds to mock for being uncool. It was just fucking boring. So boring that he was building a sandwich out of the wreckage of the kitchen, muttering to himself.]

Seriously, lame that we can't use our armor outside of this damned place. Some stupid ass shit that happens everywhere else but not here. Not like I'm looking to get into trouble, but something would be fucking --

[And that's when the guy fell from the ceiling and sent them both crashing to the counter.]

....uugggggggghhhhh ...fucking hell why do i set myself up for this shit ...

[And everyone could hear Tucker now yelling through the version.]

DUDE. I am not Lana. So get the FUCK off of me.

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer blinked and looked around, completely dazed. It took a second to register that he was being yelled at before he scrambled to his feet looked the guy up and down.]

Well OBVIOUSLY not. What are you, some kind of... uhhh ... space... robot? I had something for this. And where the HELL am I?

[babyaliendaddy]

Yeah? Couldn't tell by the way you were trying to dry-hump my spine, dude.

[Tucker got himself up, brushing mayo off his armor, and then he looked at ... Fucking Ceiling Guy.] First of all, dude, do I look like I'm subservient to a bunch of Red idiots? So nope, no space robot. Second, what the hell would you have for a space robot?

And third, welcome to Castle Wonderfuck. Which has a fucking sly sense of humor.

[fairlyclassichim]

Well first off, dude, don't flatter yourself. That is a lovely shade of... what is that, turquoise? Aquamarine? ...But you're not exactly my type.

Secondly, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but if you're not a robot, then... that's... actually some pretty sweet body armor. What are you, special ops or something? Don't even tell me you're from ODIN.

And thirdly, a castle called "Wonderfuck" that has a sense of humor and is therefore sentient? A, What drugs did you take and B... Can I have some?

[babyaliendaddy]

Mother fucking Ceiling Guy, this is blue-green. And frankly, I'd rather be butt-up to Donut then the guy who lands on someone else and doesn't even apologize. Fucking rude, man. Fucking. Rude.

[There was a moment of confusion, before Tucker caught up to the conversation.] This shit is Freelancer Team Suckit Director brand, which means it's awesome. And I'm Blue - scratch that. Yeah, special 'ops', more or less. I don't know what the hell ODIN is, though. I'm a member of the USMC.

Dude, I only wish these were drugs. I think a guy who fell through a ceiling into another fucking dimension might wanna have a more open mind.

Dictated

[bro_codebreaker]

Still in one piece down there, bro?

Dictated

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer hears a voice coming from the other side of the room and turns around, seeing a little book laying on the ground, and picks it up.]

...More or less. Thanks... little talking book guy?

[bro_codebreaker]

You are so welcome. Oh. And uh, welcome to Paradisa. Kitchen's on the first floor.

[fairlyclassichim]

Uh, yeah. Got the memo when I crashed into the fucking counter.

Action

[fuckelves]

[Thorin picked a horrible time to head to the kitchen for a snack. He'd barely had time to grab an apple from one of the counters when the screaming newcomer came crashing down and made such a mess.]

[Guess not everyone got as gentle an entrance to this place as he did.]

[Thorin just stares and takes a large bite from his apple and chews slowly.]

All right there, lad?

Action

[fairlyclassichim]

[//ooc: lol sorry I apparently fail at reading let's try that again]

[Archer turned around at the sound of another voice. Maybe this guy had actual answers.]

No. No I am NOT all right. Do YOU know what this place is? I'm having an understandably hard time believing the whole "magic castle" schtick. You look like a reasonable... uh... what are you exactly?

[fuckelves]

((lol it's fine! I'm still new so I actually wasn't exactly sure if I had replied correctly))

[Thorin stares as this strange new man undergoes his rant. He takes another bite of his apple and chews slowly, as he did before.]

I'm a Dwarf, lad.

[King of the Dwarves, in fact. But he doesn't feel the need to mention that now.]

It sounds strange, I know - but it's all true. Cair Paradisa is indeed a magical place that apparently has a will of its own. I still have yet to see the full capabilities of the place, however.

[Case and point: A Dwarf is explaining this concept.]

[fairlyclassichim]

Right... [There's a really obvious joke here, but for some reason, Archer just can't quite wrap his head around it, and mutters under his breath.] I had something for this...

Hold on. Capabilities...? As in what?

Dictated

[originalcopy]

Tucker? What the fuck...

[confused Church is well, confused. There's crashing and shouting and well did Tucker just say something about being dry-humped by another dude... What the hell is going on, and does he really REALLY want to know?]

Re: Dictated

[fairlyclassichim]

"What the fuck" is right! How and why is this goddamn book TALKING and why are there two voices? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT IS GOING ON HERE?!

[Archer might be freaking out just a little.]

[originalcopy]

Oh goddamnnit new guy, chill the fuck out and pass me over to Tucker.

The book is a communications device, you're trapped in an evil fucking magic castle and no you can't go home. Welcome to Wonderfuck!

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer blinks and opens his mouth to reply, shuts it again, sways a little, and promptly passes out cold, hitting the kitchen floor with a thud.]

Dictated

[solowingpixy]

[Care for another voice out of your talking book? Because there is one.]

That's certainly the loudest introduction we've heard lately.

[fairlyclassichim]

[screaming on the inside]

Oh, I'm sorry. Are people usually QUIETER when they're crash landing into Castle Wonderfuck or Paradisa or whatever it's called?

[solowingpixy]

Can't say many of 'em do any crashing.

[Man, that 'Wonderfuck' name gets around. He'd only been hearing Church use that.]

[fairlyclassichim]

Well lucky me.

[Thank Tucker]

Dictated

[whistles_the_blues]

...What the shit indeed.

Dictated

[fairlyclassichim]

Is there an echo in here?

Dictated

[whistles_the_blues]

Maybe. Just a little curious as to what's happening on your end of this. Sounds like you trashed something.

Dictated

[fairlyclassichim]

I mean, not on purpose, but yeah... I guess you could say the kitchen got the short end of the stick on this one.