First Mission ⊕ Do you want ants? Because THAT'S how you get ants. [Accidentally Dictated]

[fairlyclassichim]

[Sterling Archer, international spy, is suction-cupped to the outside of the 30th story of a skyscraper. His colleague is careening down to her death, having slipped mere seconds ago.]

AAAAAAARRRRRCCCCHHHHHHEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!

I'M COOOOOOMMMMMMMIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!

Phrasing! Oof!

[Archer launches off the building into a backwards swan dive and freefalls after her in hot pursuit.]

LAAAAAAANNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA! WOOOOO HOOO HOOOO-HOOOOO!

[He passes her and turns mid-air, ready to grab on to the building again and catch her.

Instead, he comes to a sudden stop as he crashes down... on top of a dude... in some kind of bright turquoise body armor... in a strange kitchen he's never seen before in his life. The force of the fall slams them both into the counter, sending food flying everywhere as they both skid to a rough stop against the cabinets.]

WHAT THE SHIT? Where the hell am I? LANA!

Comments

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer shrugs and rubs the back of his neck.]

Guess you can never quite have it all, right?

[babyaliendaddy]

Yeeeah I'm suspicious of anything that gives you everything. In my experience, they turn out to be mind-fucking AIs.

[fairlyclassichim]

AIs? As in... artificial intelligence? Fuck literally everything about those.

[babyaliendaddy]

[Archer, you just became Tucker's friend. Right THERE.]

You know what, that is absolutely fucking correct, sir. Fuck EVERYTHING about those.

[fairlyclassichim]

[WOO Yeah buddy!]

I don't know what you had to deal with but man, [he doubles over laughing] I almost married one. Don't get me wrong, she was hot. But I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking!

[babyaliendaddy]

[Bonding over the assholeness of AI's. Ohyeah.]

...You almost married an AI. A hot AI. [He tilted his head.] How is that even possible?

[fairlyclassichim]

Man, get this. Forget the specifics because I don't think you really care about politics where I'm from, but this extremely hot Russian spy chick defected and we were going to run away together. She got killed during our wedding by this dick cyborg guy, Barry, that kind of had a beef with me because I miiight have thrown him off a building. It sucked. But then this crazy asshole Krieger that I work with rebuilt her as a cyborg. We got back together, and almost got married again... until I caught her screwing that Barry guy after he attacked her during our second wedding. Anyway, I'm guessing one or both of them had some kind of AI component or... something, but either way, fuck that noise.

[babyaliendaddy]

...Okay, seriously dude, forget AIs. What kind of fucked up chick goes with the guy who killed her?

[fairlyclassichim]

I know, right? They're both complete psychopaths.

[babyaliendaddy]

Forget dodged. You swerved out of the way of that bullet, my friend.