paradisa | FIFTH SHOT

Entry tags:

joel,
tess

FIFTH SHOT

[She and Joel have been at each others' throats all day, but things have settled down in the evening –– not because things are resolved, but just because one needs to take a break to maintain one's sanity.

After a nausea-inducing round of vodka and cake, Tess' new poison of choice is a hot shower.

Tess steps out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, hair clipped up to keep it off her shoulders, clad in a loose tank top and pajama pants. Her wound is freshly poked at but healing, the striations of her musculature disappearing under tissue regrowth. She still feels like some sort of freak science experiment and she still steps away when anyone comes too close, but she's alive, and she's lucky to have even that. If the Infection really is gone, then it's nothing short of a miracle.

If only everything else about Paradisa could be that great.

To cross the living room to her bedroom, she needs to pass by Joel, and passing by Joel is risking another argument. Tess, however, is not going to do any sneaking around: that just isn't her style, especially not with Joel, and if he wants another round, so be it.

So when she walks out, she gives him that look. The got anything new to say? look.]

Learn anything else new about this place that you care to share?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

We already lost things in exchange for being here. Everyone has.

[At first he didn't connect his own to the castle, not necessarily. If anything his first instinct had been to blame some person. Some asshole that would one day meet a slow death at Joel's hands if he ever found him, though he probably wouldn't. It had made some sort of horrific sense that someone would eventually take that away from him too. When she walked into the living room, Joel was brooding on the couch, in his nice clean clothes, in their nice safe apartment. God, they'd been such idiots.

It was true that they'd been struggling and starving for so long that being lulled into wanting to keep all this without having to question it was an easy a mindset to fall into. That didn't excuse their laziness.

He's not really in the mood to fight with her anymore. Still annoyed and very unhappy, but right now he's got just one question on his mind.]

So what's gone missin' for you?

[Tess got her life back and her infection canceled out, more or less. What did she lose?]

Edited 2013-09-13 05:46 (UTC)

[Tess gives him a blank look at first, still wrapping her head around the idea: they lost things? What did that even mean? And then something Molotov had said but she had ignored floats back to the front of her mind, some taunt about not having figured out what her "loss" was yet.

Her loss?]

I don't know. I'm not missing anything, unless I can count a chunk outta my shoulder.

[Her tone is dubious, far more uncertain than she likes to ever sound.]

What does that even mean, "what's gone missing?"

[She's been so fixated on what they'd gained that loss hasn't really occurred to her. No one's really mentioned it, certainly. And whatever had been lost, did it truly matter? Tess can shower until her fingers and toes are as wrinkled as prunes and the water will still be hot, she can slide into a bed with fresh clean sheets that still smell vaguely of laundry detergent, and she can eat until she pukes and then eat some more and the discomfort doesn't even bother her.

What could she possibly have lost, considering all this?

She just doesn't know.]

[Tess would've been too distracted at first to notice anything, but by now she should be aware of any major losses. Or was that the case? Was it always something tangible? Always something you'd know for sure was gone? Joel's only spoken to people who've lost things, so far.

He peers at her like the more he's forced to think about it, the more confusing this whole thing gets. They should've never trusted all this magic shit in the first place. Just like Tess, it'd been impossible for him to turn down three square meals and a clean living space. But now what was it gonna cost them?

What had it cost Tess? A mystery he'd rather try to solve now.]

Word is that everyone's missing something. It's part of the deal with this place. Maybe you got lucky, but I doubt it.

[Tess can't even fathom. She's quiet for a moment and then sits on the opposite end of the couch, perched on the edge of the seat. Something's missing. Something. She hadn't even realized it, and maybe the feeling of something being seriously wrong is more psychosomatic than anything, but something's gone.

And then she looks to her shoulder, raw skin tingling with exposure to the open air, and then to Joel.]

Did I lose the infection...? It would explain why it didn't get worse, but... why take that?

[Joel shifts his gaze to the slow-healing wound, taking in that possibility for a second before he rejects it.]

If it wanted you here, it wanted you to stay alive. That's why it never got worse. [Now he's just haphazardly piecing things together, but it makes sense.] Gotta be something else.

Edited 2013-09-13 22:24 (UTC)

[Tess nods. No, then, there's no point in taking infection. That was just a bonus, a higher power with an incentive to keep her around. Which also means, she realizes, she's at its mercy: if she ever becomes expendable, then there is nothing stopping the castle from putting infection right back in her.]

Right. But that's all I've got, Joel. I've got you and my life and a gun.

[But what is it, then? She has no sentimental possessions –– at least not ones she keeps on her. They're all back in Boston, lost already. What else could she care about?

Somehow, while she itches to find out in that competitive, vengeful way, a small part of her dreads knowing what it is. If she knows, she can miss it.]

So what did it take from you? From Ellie?

Edited 2013-09-13 23:05 (UTC)

[And that whole bit about how the castle feeds off bad emotions. Suddenly Tess showing up the way she did makes a whole lot of sense, but not in a good way. It put them through the ringer on purpose. Probably.

He leans over with his elbows braced against his knees, thinking it over. Maybe it was something neither of them would see or know about right away, though that sounded... insane. He was getting used to ignoring the impulse that all of this had to be bullshit somehow. So like what? A memory? An experience or an ability or something? Nothing about her seemed off. Same Tess he's always known.

And then she asks and he gets real quiet, rubbing at his wrist instead of using his words. At first the skin around that area had been red and splotchy, but now it was just paler than the rest of his arm. Had barely seen the sun for twenty years straight.]

Dunno about Ellie yet.

[But hopefully she can figure his out without him having to say it.]

[Her eyes drift to his wrist and she doesn't say anything for a moment, she just looks at that tan-line and feels her own heart tighten. He'd never told her the story behind it, not exactly, but she had put it together over the years, cobbled from his vague hints and the odd drunken conversation and little things Tommy had said and the things Joel muttered in his sleep on the worst nights.

She knew enough, and it was certainly enough to let out a rueful sigh at his misfortune. It figured a castle could know where to hit hardest.

So Tess slides down the couch to be right next to him, and she puts her hand on his thigh, bracing. An arm around him seems like too much, too forward for them. Softly:]

Hey, Texas. You're alright. At least it can't take memories, right?

[Hearing her voice again and that nickname, it is comforting. He'd gotten so used to the idea that she was gone forever that sometimes he has moments where he expects her to disappear on him. In time that feeling might go away, but at this juncture it was still strange. Especially for someone like Joel, who dealt with things that they happened and then tried his best to never revisit them.

So here was one of those things revisiting him, scootching closer to him and putting a hand on him for comfort. Joel looks over at her and doesn't bother to disguise the moment of weakness, letting it settle between them because now he knows what it means to lose her. To be without her. So for now, it's alright. There's a touch of gratitude in his tired expression.

He nods; to her, to himself, looks down again through distraction. At least he had a picture of Sarah left. He was glad he'd accepted that from Ellie in the end.]

But what if it can? [Joel mutters, rubbing a hand over his jaw. He sounds like he can barely believe it, but has to entertain it. The castle was fucking weird.] What if it can mess with more than just our stuff?

[She keeps her hand on his thigh, the rest of her close but not so close that their shoulders would touch. Too much contact is still discomforting to her, and the mental image of thousands of little spores marching from her to him to everyone keeps her cautious.

If she could bring herself to hold him closer, she would, but she can't.

Tess tilts her head to look at his face, to try to meet his eyes.]

Well, if that's the case, then we figure out how to deal with it. Like losing a supply tunnel, or the military changing guard. We just figure out a way around it to carry on, alright?

[Well, that cinches it. She's in now, he knows, from the second he looks back up at her and feels his expression crumple a little. There's that ever-present tension whenever they get too close now because Tess thinks she's poison, and that hurts too.

When she speaks it sounds like bizarre echoes from the past. That's happened more than once. He's not accustomed to ghosts coming back and sounding just the same, not even after all these weeks in with her. It makes him feel like he should be on guard for something.

But he can't be, not with all this space and time. There's no place to move onto, no Point B to get to. Joel rubs at his face again, harder. He breaks eye contact to do it so that the waver in his too low voice feels less prominent.]

Y'know, it's fuckin' stupid, but I still can't believe you're here. [And so with his free hand he reaches over and grasps over the top of hers, not too much pressure. Not enough to be desperate, because what if he's right?] Most of the time I think I'll wake up the next day and you'll be gone. Same as before.

[Her heart breaks a little there, for both of them –– her own death, his aloneness.

She's agonized and felt bitter about her own fate for weeks, getting aggressive with innocent bystanders, but at least she gets to go home and not feel any of it anymore. Relief is a feeling. You have to be alive to feel it. And, then again, so is empathy –– when she goes, she won't have that for Joel, either.

Christ, she wishes she were a braver person and could slide over into his lap and put her arms around him and just hold him, but she's a fucking coward. His hand on hers is enough to make her skin itch with psychosomatic spores and polyps but she bites down the urge to pull away hard.

She has to get over that. She desperately wants to get over that, she wants to be able to touch him and hold him and kiss him and take him to bed with her.

Tess just wants to be with him. Stay with him.]

I'm not leaving you twice. I'm gonna fight tooth and nail to stay here, somehow, some way. I'm not going anywhere, and that's a promise.

[Infected but not infectious, not as long as they stayed in this crazy place that kept everyone alive for the sake of some scheme that was bigger than the both of them. It was still too fucking much to process.

At her words, his next breath quietly shudders out of him. He never really dealt with losing her in the first place, never allowed himself to ache for her absence for longer than a split-second. You did what you had to do to keep moving forward. All the dead would weigh you down if you dragged them with you everywhere.

Just how many times had he snapped at Ellie about that? And now here he was, catching his breath because it was catching up to him that one of them had come back to him, somehow. He tries to inhale a little steadier, because he feels like a fucking fool.

He squeezes her hand now, just once.]

You better not.

[God, they've had so few of these moments. She's seen him get emotional but never over her, that's just not how it works. He's looked out for her for so many years and for so goddamn long, but she's held on to every moment she's looked after him in return, been there to make sure he's fed and busy and working and doesn't lose himself in all the fucking hopelessness of their future.

And dead, she can't do any of that, and it's all her fault. She was too reckless, too stubborn. Too determined to constantly be proving herself.

Her hand flinches under his, just slightly, but she steels herself for the millionth time.]

This place brought me here right after you arrived for a reason. It knows. It knows I don't have anywhere else to be.

[She lets out a short, relieved breath. She can buy her own words, whether he does or not.]

If you're here, I'm here. We get off this train together or we don't get off at all.

[Tess had been his rock for so long, the one constant thing about his chaotic life, and losing her had happened in the blink of an eye. It was true that they were always prepared-- as good as they both were at keeping each other alive as partners, death was always a possibility. He knew that. They knew that. When Ellie first popped into their lives Joel had tried to remind Tess that it was risky, to convince her that it wasn't worth it.

Incredible how much could change in a year. And Tess had no clue what he'd been through with Ellie, so there was that sitting in between them too. Joel turns his head to look at her again when she flinches, exhaustion written all over his face just to keep any other expression down.

He wants to get closer. He can't. And he wants to believe those words.]

You can't make promises like that, Tess. We don't even know what the hell's goin' on here. [He has to remind her because that's what he does, but the words are weak. So weak that his next ones are spoken under his breath, ragged.] Shit, but it's alright for now. I'll believe that for now.

[No other choice. Can't push her away just to save his hide. If he loses her again, he'll just find another way to push on.]

[She shakes her head, because she can and will make promises however she damn pleases, because she's not ready to concede that her fate is entirely dependent on an omnipotent being's whims yet, but she doesn't argue. If he'll go with it, she doesn't need to.

Tess leans in more just to hear him better.]

If this place grants wishes then we have to believe it'll grant this one. That's all I'm saying.

[Wishful thinking. She looks down at their laps.]

And neither of us were ever any good at nice words or saying anything comforting. I'm sorry I can't hold you, Joel.

[If they were gonna go all the way with this wishful thinking, they might as well say screw it to the danger of infection. It would make talking easier if they could just touch, as they'd figured out long ago, but Joel knows when not to push the issue. He knows when he can handle Tess and when he should back off; she wasn't ready yet.

And he's feeling something he never allowed himself to feel for too long, not with the all-consuming mission of keeping Ellie safe always at the forefront of his mind. With Tess alive and so close to him again, regret is gnawing away at him.

With Tess alive and so close, but not able to get much closer than this, he finds himself stammering out things he'd never said in complete sentences to her before.]

I'm -- I'm sorry I wasn't a better partner to you. [A raspy confession that he tries to clean up with an even tone so that it sounds less pathetic.] That I --

[Wanted you near, wanted you gone. Let you get bit. All the regrets people normally stewed on when they didn't have to keep running for their lives all the time. Joel leans in another inch (because he's talking so quiet, not because he needs to).

A little lighter now. It comes easier.] For this shitty attempt at nice words, most of all.

[It's surprising to hear those things out of him, especially without a hard dose of alcohol in either of them. (More than a shot of vodka, anyway.) Tess lets him linger close, turning her head to better listen.

She dares to let herself smile, just a little.]

Shitty or not, it's better than nothin', Tex.

[She worries the inside of her lip with her teeth for a second.]

Wanna do better this time? Both of us, I mean. Things can be different, if we try.

[And Joel sniffs out an amused sound, the humor dry and tired. All of their attempts throughout the years had been shitty. They'd never made it this far without some nefarious asshole lurking in the backdrop of their lives (was that the Castle now?) or some work-related crisis to divert their focus to, and it was strange. It was strange that they could just sit and talk.

He hrms, noncommittal.]

Both of us, huh?

[There's an unspoken prompt in there: your turn to confess up something. Redefining what partner means to them, it does sound good. It's what he'd always kinda wanted. How to go about it, though, he's clueless.]

[Tess pauses. She knows what that means, she knows exactly what he'd want from her, but having to say it aloud? Christ.

But she'll do it.]

I could let you call the shots more. You can set the pace, I can just... I don't know, I can find some way to make this work that doesn't involve you having to clean up after the hell I raise.

[After a year without her, she's got to wonder if he really wants to be under her thumb again. After all, he's done fine without her, hasn't he? Who says he even needs her driving his survival?

And for an uncomfortable moment, with her tainted body in a paradise castle, she doesn't even know what she can offer him beyond that.]

[It wasn't the clean-up that he minded so much. It was the trouble Tess always got herself into, despite being smart as fucking hell. She could plan out the next ten steps in one moment and go charging through them the next, carelessly. In the beginning he'd scolded her about that overconfidence and too-much-pride, but she wasn't having any of it and he wasn't about to struggle to stay on top when it was so much effort.

Joel sighs.]

Sounds good, but I know you better than that.

[As soon as he was off her back, it wouldn't make a difference. What was gonna change all the stubbornness that they'd shared throughout the years? A magic castle was gonna fix it? He sounds lost, blindsided by this overwhelming opportunity for normalcy. It'd been that way since he got here and it wasn't fading away easy.]

[Ouch. Tess expects his bluntness, but it still bites.

She pulls her hand out from under his, almost as a defensive reflex. She's not gonna beg, but she needs this.]

So tell me what I can do, then. Come on.

Edited 2013-09-29 15:28 (UTC)

[He pinches at the bridge of his nose when she pulls away, because for once he doesn't know what to tell her. It wasn't as easy as making promises to each other and saying they'd give it a different shot, even if they were both willing to try. The second she tenses up, he's tense too.

Joel has to fight to shrug it off.]

It's not like this is how I want things to be, but how is this supposed to change? It's the both of us and it's all we know. [He murmurs:] Work with me, Tess. I dunno.

[Tess frowns.]

Can we settle for both of us being honest with each other, then? Instead of just blowing each other off, we talk?

[His first instinct is to be an asshole about those words, which is bad. Right, talk. Like what? Like two normal people instead of a kingpin and her right-hand man? It was all gone, wiped away by magic, but it was the foundation of everything about them.

Maybe not. He remembers being a much younger man and noticing that Tess was different from the others. Maybe he can work with that and go backwards to the start. Joel peers at her like he's trying to figure out if he can actually do what she's asking or if he's gonna let her down.]

We can try. [Quieter. They've been vulnerable with each other before, but not like this. The setting, the scenario, everything about this castle was making them skittish. How lame.] What's something you wanna hear from me right now?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject