paradisa | FIFTH SHOT

Entry tags:

joel,
tess

FIFTH SHOT

[She and Joel have been at each others' throats all day, but things have settled down in the evening –– not because things are resolved, but just because one needs to take a break to maintain one's sanity.

After a nausea-inducing round of vodka and cake, Tess' new poison of choice is a hot shower.

Tess steps out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, hair clipped up to keep it off her shoulders, clad in a loose tank top and pajama pants. Her wound is freshly poked at but healing, the striations of her musculature disappearing under tissue regrowth. She still feels like some sort of freak science experiment and she still steps away when anyone comes too close, but she's alive, and she's lucky to have even that. If the Infection really is gone, then it's nothing short of a miracle.

If only everything else about Paradisa could be that great.

To cross the living room to her bedroom, she needs to pass by Joel, and passing by Joel is risking another argument. Tess, however, is not going to do any sneaking around: that just isn't her style, especially not with Joel, and if he wants another round, so be it.

So when she walks out, she gives him that look. The got anything new to say? look.]

Learn anything else new about this place that you care to share?

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[Well, that cinches it. She's in now, he knows, from the second he looks back up at her and feels his expression crumple a little. There's that ever-present tension whenever they get too close now because Tess thinks she's poison, and that hurts too.

When she speaks it sounds like bizarre echoes from the past. That's happened more than once. He's not accustomed to ghosts coming back and sounding just the same, not even after all these weeks in with her. It makes him feel like he should be on guard for something.

But he can't be, not with all this space and time. There's no place to move onto, no Point B to get to. Joel rubs at his face again, harder. He breaks eye contact to do it so that the waver in his too low voice feels less prominent.]

Y'know, it's fuckin' stupid, but I still can't believe you're here. [And so with his free hand he reaches over and grasps over the top of hers, not too much pressure. Not enough to be desperate, because what if he's right?] Most of the time I think I'll wake up the next day and you'll be gone. Same as before.

[Her heart breaks a little there, for both of them –– her own death, his aloneness.

She's agonized and felt bitter about her own fate for weeks, getting aggressive with innocent bystanders, but at least she gets to go home and not feel any of it anymore. Relief is a feeling. You have to be alive to feel it. And, then again, so is empathy –– when she goes, she won't have that for Joel, either.

Christ, she wishes she were a braver person and could slide over into his lap and put her arms around him and just hold him, but she's a fucking coward. His hand on hers is enough to make her skin itch with psychosomatic spores and polyps but she bites down the urge to pull away hard.

She has to get over that. She desperately wants to get over that, she wants to be able to touch him and hold him and kiss him and take him to bed with her.

Tess just wants to be with him. Stay with him.]

I'm not leaving you twice. I'm gonna fight tooth and nail to stay here, somehow, some way. I'm not going anywhere, and that's a promise.

[Infected but not infectious, not as long as they stayed in this crazy place that kept everyone alive for the sake of some scheme that was bigger than the both of them. It was still too fucking much to process.

At her words, his next breath quietly shudders out of him. He never really dealt with losing her in the first place, never allowed himself to ache for her absence for longer than a split-second. You did what you had to do to keep moving forward. All the dead would weigh you down if you dragged them with you everywhere.

Just how many times had he snapped at Ellie about that? And now here he was, catching his breath because it was catching up to him that one of them had come back to him, somehow. He tries to inhale a little steadier, because he feels like a fucking fool.

He squeezes her hand now, just once.]

You better not.

[God, they've had so few of these moments. She's seen him get emotional but never over her, that's just not how it works. He's looked out for her for so many years and for so goddamn long, but she's held on to every moment she's looked after him in return, been there to make sure he's fed and busy and working and doesn't lose himself in all the fucking hopelessness of their future.

And dead, she can't do any of that, and it's all her fault. She was too reckless, too stubborn. Too determined to constantly be proving herself.

Her hand flinches under his, just slightly, but she steels herself for the millionth time.]

This place brought me here right after you arrived for a reason. It knows. It knows I don't have anywhere else to be.

[She lets out a short, relieved breath. She can buy her own words, whether he does or not.]

If you're here, I'm here. We get off this train together or we don't get off at all.

[Tess had been his rock for so long, the one constant thing about his chaotic life, and losing her had happened in the blink of an eye. It was true that they were always prepared-- as good as they both were at keeping each other alive as partners, death was always a possibility. He knew that. They knew that. When Ellie first popped into their lives Joel had tried to remind Tess that it was risky, to convince her that it wasn't worth it.

Incredible how much could change in a year. And Tess had no clue what he'd been through with Ellie, so there was that sitting in between them too. Joel turns his head to look at her again when she flinches, exhaustion written all over his face just to keep any other expression down.

He wants to get closer. He can't. And he wants to believe those words.]

You can't make promises like that, Tess. We don't even know what the hell's goin' on here. [He has to remind her because that's what he does, but the words are weak. So weak that his next ones are spoken under his breath, ragged.] Shit, but it's alright for now. I'll believe that for now.

[No other choice. Can't push her away just to save his hide. If he loses her again, he'll just find another way to push on.]

[She shakes her head, because she can and will make promises however she damn pleases, because she's not ready to concede that her fate is entirely dependent on an omnipotent being's whims yet, but she doesn't argue. If he'll go with it, she doesn't need to.

Tess leans in more just to hear him better.]

If this place grants wishes then we have to believe it'll grant this one. That's all I'm saying.

[Wishful thinking. She looks down at their laps.]

And neither of us were ever any good at nice words or saying anything comforting. I'm sorry I can't hold you, Joel.

[If they were gonna go all the way with this wishful thinking, they might as well say screw it to the danger of infection. It would make talking easier if they could just touch, as they'd figured out long ago, but Joel knows when not to push the issue. He knows when he can handle Tess and when he should back off; she wasn't ready yet.

And he's feeling something he never allowed himself to feel for too long, not with the all-consuming mission of keeping Ellie safe always at the forefront of his mind. With Tess alive and so close to him again, regret is gnawing away at him.

With Tess alive and so close, but not able to get much closer than this, he finds himself stammering out things he'd never said in complete sentences to her before.]

I'm -- I'm sorry I wasn't a better partner to you. [A raspy confession that he tries to clean up with an even tone so that it sounds less pathetic.] That I --

[Wanted you near, wanted you gone. Let you get bit. All the regrets people normally stewed on when they didn't have to keep running for their lives all the time. Joel leans in another inch (because he's talking so quiet, not because he needs to).

A little lighter now. It comes easier.] For this shitty attempt at nice words, most of all.

[It's surprising to hear those things out of him, especially without a hard dose of alcohol in either of them. (More than a shot of vodka, anyway.) Tess lets him linger close, turning her head to better listen.

She dares to let herself smile, just a little.]

Shitty or not, it's better than nothin', Tex.

[She worries the inside of her lip with her teeth for a second.]

Wanna do better this time? Both of us, I mean. Things can be different, if we try.

[And Joel sniffs out an amused sound, the humor dry and tired. All of their attempts throughout the years had been shitty. They'd never made it this far without some nefarious asshole lurking in the backdrop of their lives (was that the Castle now?) or some work-related crisis to divert their focus to, and it was strange. It was strange that they could just sit and talk.

He hrms, noncommittal.]

Both of us, huh?

[There's an unspoken prompt in there: your turn to confess up something. Redefining what partner means to them, it does sound good. It's what he'd always kinda wanted. How to go about it, though, he's clueless.]

[Tess pauses. She knows what that means, she knows exactly what he'd want from her, but having to say it aloud? Christ.

But she'll do it.]

I could let you call the shots more. You can set the pace, I can just... I don't know, I can find some way to make this work that doesn't involve you having to clean up after the hell I raise.

[After a year without her, she's got to wonder if he really wants to be under her thumb again. After all, he's done fine without her, hasn't he? Who says he even needs her driving his survival?

And for an uncomfortable moment, with her tainted body in a paradise castle, she doesn't even know what she can offer him beyond that.]

[It wasn't the clean-up that he minded so much. It was the trouble Tess always got herself into, despite being smart as fucking hell. She could plan out the next ten steps in one moment and go charging through them the next, carelessly. In the beginning he'd scolded her about that overconfidence and too-much-pride, but she wasn't having any of it and he wasn't about to struggle to stay on top when it was so much effort.

Joel sighs.]

Sounds good, but I know you better than that.

[As soon as he was off her back, it wouldn't make a difference. What was gonna change all the stubbornness that they'd shared throughout the years? A magic castle was gonna fix it? He sounds lost, blindsided by this overwhelming opportunity for normalcy. It'd been that way since he got here and it wasn't fading away easy.]

[Ouch. Tess expects his bluntness, but it still bites.

She pulls her hand out from under his, almost as a defensive reflex. She's not gonna beg, but she needs this.]

So tell me what I can do, then. Come on.

Edited 2013-09-29 15:28 (UTC)

[He pinches at the bridge of his nose when she pulls away, because for once he doesn't know what to tell her. It wasn't as easy as making promises to each other and saying they'd give it a different shot, even if they were both willing to try. The second she tenses up, he's tense too.

Joel has to fight to shrug it off.]

It's not like this is how I want things to be, but how is this supposed to change? It's the both of us and it's all we know. [He murmurs:] Work with me, Tess. I dunno.

[Tess frowns.]

Can we settle for both of us being honest with each other, then? Instead of just blowing each other off, we talk?

[His first instinct is to be an asshole about those words, which is bad. Right, talk. Like what? Like two normal people instead of a kingpin and her right-hand man? It was all gone, wiped away by magic, but it was the foundation of everything about them.

Maybe not. He remembers being a much younger man and noticing that Tess was different from the others. Maybe he can work with that and go backwards to the start. Joel peers at her like he's trying to figure out if he can actually do what she's asking or if he's gonna let her down.]

We can try. [Quieter. They've been vulnerable with each other before, but not like this. The setting, the scenario, everything about this castle was making them skittish. How lame.] What's something you wanna hear from me right now?

[Tess remembers being younger and instantly smitten — in an oppositional, teenage sort of way — with him and all his maturity and bitterness and willingness to challenge everything she fought him with. It was about ideology back then, back before they settled on survival at all costs and damn anyone who wasn't willing to go as far as them.

That's the same guy he is now, in a lot of ways, but the years still drag. She's still eleven years his junior, but she's not a teenager and they've both fallen into a middle-aged rut where there's not much to look forward to anymore.

Or she had, and she was fine with that. Now he has Ellie, and Tess feels like a bitch for feeling threatened by a fourteen year old. A fourteen year old that's done her no wrong, to boot.

Tess purses her lips for a moment. If he's offering, fine.]

I hate even thinking this, but maybe I'm just worked up, or maybe you mean to sound like this, or... I don't know, Joel. Is this some sort of break up and you're too busy being Ellie's dad these days to be my partner? [Again? It's been no time at all for her.]

Edited 2013-09-29 16:43 (UTC)

[Ouch. Joel can be as blunt as he likes, but taking it gracefully is a different story. The words strike at too many different raw nerves all at once, but there's so much tired sadness behind them that he pauses before reacting. Tess sounds so beaten down by the years that he grasps at his thoughts for a way to fix it, but comes up empty. He knew he was too.

She's not my daughter, he thinks, first and foremost. His daughter was dead and Ellie is not. His eyes search the ground, shuttering to half-lids.

He still doesn't know how to explain it to her.] It's -- it's not like that. [Distracted, and he remembers telling the same thing to Bill when he accused him of babysitting. Bullshit, he'd been told, and here he'd probably hear the same thing.]

That's not how I want you to see it. [So he starts over and he tries his fucking hardest to be calm, to stay even. Ellie is rocky territory, but he doesn't want Tess to believe she's off limits if they're going to keep trying honest discussion time. To think that he's not interested in being her partner anymore. It stings, but he's not sure which part hurts most.] I really seem that different now to you?

[He can't see it as easily as someone else, but then he thinks back to what he told Tess about the Fireflies and he realizes he must.]

Edited 2013-09-29 17:38 (UTC)

It doesn't matter how you want me to see it when that's how it looks, Joel.

[She's not sure who is more hurt here, for a moment. Maybe she went too far with the unspeakable "D" word, but what else could she call it?]

Look, I don't have a problem with it. Fuck, it's better than seeing you cringe every time a kid crosses your path. But this is different for me, alright? I'm not used to considering another person when I think about us, haven't been for a long time. I just don't know what to make of it. I don't know what she's supposed to think of us, instead of just you.

[That was fair enough. Joel leans forward, elbows resting against his knees, and massages his temple. Taking in the perspective of someone who'd known him this well but was missing the last year of his life out of it all was going to force him to come to terms with things quick, to say the least. He nods a few times, hand still at his forehead.]

Alright, I get it. [Almost a warning to her not to push this one too quick or too carelessly. She didn't know any better and he'd offered, but shit.] I don't wanna break up our partnership, alright? I wasn't prepared for this either.

[Especially not the part where Tess comes back and asks what the fuck it all means for them.]

You gotta keep in mind that losin' you wasn't just yesterday for me.

[Tess shifts in her seat, tucking her feet up under her.]

I know. And I know how you deal with people leaving you, so I'm guessing you have no idea how to handle it.

[She leans back into the couch.]

But this is also as much as we'll ever get again, unless this place intends to change history. Our only chance to be normal.

[Twist his arm, why don't you, Tess? She watches him, hands in her lap.]

No pressure, right?

[Well, when you put it like that. He lifts his head to peek at her, scoffing at the last part, but there wasn't any bite to it. Nothing mean. It was what it was, and yeah, that was some big pressure. For both of them.

Joel used to be the one advising her to take it easy and entertain these delusions that they could be normal just so she wouldn't have to think about their shitty lives too long. Now it was their reality and he didn't know what to do. At this age more than half his life was over.

He leans back against the couch to join her side and heaves another sigh.]

Ellie, she, ah. Right now she's gotta be our priority. [So he lays it out honestly for Tess, the adult. Whether she wanted to take it or leave it, he had to admit it to her with real words first.] We think of her first. I know you're not used to that, but I can't do it any other way.

Edited 2013-09-29 20:55 (UTC)

[Her shoulder –– her good one –– brushes against his.

Ellie. Ellie first. Tess has accepted that they aren't handing her over to anyone any time soon, that Ellie won't be traded for a cache of guns or their redemption or even to save the whole damn world. What would be the point of fighting it? It's out of her hands, and Ellie's an alright kid. There's no point in dwelling on it.

But christ, Tess is not used to sharing. Not in a dog-eat-dog world.]

That's alright, Tex... I never meant to suggest she take a hike or anything, you know that. [Hopefully, anyway. Is she jealous of a fourteen year old? Fuck.] But I also don't know her all that well, and you know I'm not the best with kids, so you've gotta be patient with me, too.

[He does feel bad about putting her in this spot, but it's an honest relief to hear that she wants to stick by him through it. She doesn't have to-- they'd never formalized any of this in the first place and here Joel was bringing unfamiliar baggage to her doorstep.

Back in their world, asking people to go out on a limb for you to this extent could get you justifiably killed. They were partners, and that was different, but it was still a huge responsibility to pass on, to ask someone to watch more than one back.]

Yeah, I know. You can take your time. She's an understanding kid, considering how we got along at first. [He clears the back of his throat.] 'appreciate it, Tess. I hope you know.

Considering she's never said a peep to me about my willingness to trade her for a pile of guns, I'd guess she's understanding.

[It's a weak joke, but a joke nonetheless.]

I know you do.

[Just don't ever cut me out, she thinks, but she knows she doesn't have to tell him that part. She looks at him with a thin smile and a curt nod.]

She faster at getting under your skin than I was?

[Heh, it's good enough. He flashes her an amused look for it, a complicated one, but Joel trains his gaze on a faraway point shortly after. A pause stretches on while he tries to think of a decent response to that question.

Growing serious, folding his arms over his chest. He doesn't have to be (he could still keep this conversation on a light track) but he decides to be upfront about it. Let Tess know that she was in on this, definitely.]

A lot about her reminded me of Sarah. [It was because of Ellie that he could even utter that name without too much difficulty. He thinks he could count on his hands the number of times he's said it to Tess in over a decade, even less sober. He expects she'll be surprised he decided to share.] That's probably obvious by now, anyway.

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