♦ 016

[blabs]

[ the flock ]

[ guess who's in her room? guess who's still feeling sad and frustrated and lonely? guess who's just angry at paradisa and angry at life and is absolutely down in the dumps? guess who is dictating into her journal, talking to her family, like she's been going intermittently over the past year?

yes, it's nudge. ]

Hi guys...

[ a sigh. ]

Every time I say it I feel even more guilty. Because... this is not a nice place. I mean, I'll be the first one to say that I've met so many amazing people and actually made friends that I so would not have been able to make back at home, and I really like them all and I really like experiencing new things and new places, but... this place sucks. Sucks. It can make you feel great one minute, and make you feel totally lousy in the next minute. It's dangerous, and can be scary, and people get hurt all the time, and there are only so many people I can even trust.

But... even if all these bad things are true, I just... [ she begins tearing up, even though she's trying not to. ] I just really want you guys to come. Max... I miss you so much. Like, sometimes when I'm talking to people, I just suddenly think of you, or what you would say, or what you would do, or what you would tell me to do, and...

I've been here for almost eleven months. Can you believe that? That's crazy! Eleven months without you guys...

[ she's quiet for a while, but that's only because she's concentrating on trying not to cry. she fails. ]

I miss you guys so much it hurts sometimes. I don't know what to do about... anything. I hate walking around with my wings tucked in all the time, even in a place like this, where there's no Director or Uber-Director or School... but I dunno if it's safe, or if it'll ever be safe.

I don't care about being selfish or feeling guilty. Please... p-please, just come. Any of you, I'm not picky. [ she's sobbing as she speaks. ] Max, I promise to always do whatever you say, and I won't argue and I'll never try to leave again like I did. F-fang, I won't bug you when you want to be alone to write or to b-brood or whatever you wanna do. Iggy, I... I'll help you when you're cooking, and I won't mess things up ever, I swear. Gazzy, I'll let you win at hangman all the time, and I'll tell you more often how amazing your f-fireworks are. [ she sobs more; the gasman's fireworks had been one of the highlights of the night, the last night that she'd seen the flock, on their shared birthday. ] Angel, I'll always let you have the cutest toys, and we'll play whatever games you want.

Just... please. I really really miss you guys. You'll never have to tell me to shut up again, I'll be so quiet you won't even know I'm there.

[ she stops to wipe her face. ]

It would make things a little bit better, you know? Just.. to see you guys, and know how you're doing, and know what's going on at home. Even if you went back home, at least I know I'll see you again. At least it's not like with Abel, and C-Cain. What are the odds that Paradisa's ever gonna bring them back? I'll probably never see them again. Or anyone else that's gone. They might as well be... they might as well be dead.

[ this is unusually pessimistic of her, but she's not exactly herself right now. the tears come faster. ]

Please. Especially you, Max. I love all of you guys, but I need you. I do. I try to do everything you would want, and I've been strong, I really have. But I don't know how to deal with missing you guys this much. I d-don't--

[ she tries to say more, but can't. she really can't. she just cries herself out until she can't cry any more, and then closes the journal. ]