ReMask 003

[crownless_king]

You know, it's funny. I can't shake the feeling the whole "mom" thing is a running gag of sorts. You know, something that continues past the realm of this one and the next. Sort of a full reaching kind of thing. Like someone, somewhere, somehow, perpetuates this concept of my rugged, awesome, ridiculously badass self being the "mother" in some respect.

[beat]

Heh, it just struck me...in less than two months, I have rocked a toga and ranked maternal. I'm starting to wonder if the Wonderfuck Castle is trying to tell me something. Maybe some introspective type shit or something. Who knows, maybe it changed since I went home and/or to summer camp for Gods or whatever. I dunno, has it guys? Is Paradisa all grown up and plays nice with the other little cosmic horror kidnapping world beasts? Or...whatever this place is and/or is not.

[There's a momentary pause, some shuffling going on. Something sounds like it's rolling, and there's a very quiet "rip" in the background too.]

Or it could still be made of ass. Can't get too optimistic here. And there we go.

[shuffle shuffle shuffle...and flush. Yes. You're hearing a toilet flushing now.

Yes, he did just admit to a toilet epiphany. And as the flushing ends, the book is shut and the sounds of game saving comes to an end]

Comments

[onlyanapple]

...Pretty much still made of ass.

But thanks for sharing that wonderful segment of your life with us.

[crownless_king]

Damn, and I was sure that glass looked half full for once.

You know me, Crowley. I share. I share like a fucking machine.

[onlyanapple]

Sorry to disappoint you, Travis. If you like you can still really pretend it's not a pile of crap.

One day one of the multicoloured ponies will come after you and sing a song about that sharing of yours and how you're a perfect citizen.

And I will laugh.

[crownless_king]

I dunno. Pretend time is only fun when you're decked out in full Handsome Rider Kabuto cosplay, shooting the shit with Steampunk Abe Lincoln.

[Nod nod, which you can't see but shut it and then suddenly quiet and...]

Wait, what?

[onlyanapple]

...There's a fun mental image to play across my mind for the rest of eternity. Thanks.

Multicoloured ponies. We have those now. They sing songs and make speeches about friendship and shit.

[crownless_king]

Well that's bullshit. You can hardly have an effective mental image without source material. I need to introduce you to the sentai sensation proper, THEN you can be haunted forever.

...This is a joke, right? Right?

[onlyanapple]

...Please don't.

Nope. They started showing up just over a year ago, creepy little fuckers.

[crownless_king]

No, it's too late. This simply must happen. I cannot accept a nightmarish mental image that is ill formed! It's my fucking duty as an otaku to correct this!

You know, I'm just gonna pin up a "no ponies" sign on my door. Yeah.

[Beat]

No ponies. This is seriously a thing I just fucking said.

[ino]

[she was actually kind of surprised at the intelligence coming out of his mouth, but ... then the end happened]

You're disgusting.

[crownless_king]

[SCOFF! SCOFF I SAY, SCOFF!]

Sir and or Madam, I am offend! I am most offend! I would be more offend, but I've yet to wash my hands!

[ino]

[ ...... sets the journal down, because she doesn't want your germs]

You don't talk to the journal on the toilet! And obviously I'm a Madam!

[crownless_king]

I dunno. You seem sort of "sir"ish to me. Say some sultry things, to prove your madam cred!

[And he's done, wiping his hands off...on the journal. Yup, classy]

You have until I finish pulling up my pants.

[ino]

You wish, pervert. [dumping some bleach on her end of the journal. GROSSSSS]

[crownless_king]

Really, that's what you're going with? Sir, you just ain't gonna win gold with that kinda shit. Not even bronze!

[Up, zip, and he just kicks the door open]

Do your family, do your nation proud. [There's a click in the background, and then some music starts to play quietly in the background]

Think of the days you wake, looking to the mirror for the inspiration to take that next step. Think of the people you've met, friends you've made to get to this point in your life. Think of the hearts and souls of all those who believe, clinging to the thought that you, yes YOU, could take the most sacred of medals! Think of Morgan Freeman, narrating a Youtube commercial because of how you succeeded and realized your dream. How you made manifest the hopes and dreams of all those that look up to you. How you proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are, in fact, the fucking madamiest of madams, and not some creepy sir cosplaying as one!

Do it for them! Do if for those that believe in you!

Now get up there and GET FUCKING SULTRY!

journal

[triumph]

How was I married to you?

dictated

[crownless_king]

[Whoops! Someone's suddenly fumbling with his boombox to turn the music off. One second]

That's a great question! This answer, and more, on tonight's 11 O'clock news. Tune in then.

[ino]

You were married to him? I'm so sorry.

[ino]

Travis, just stop talking! What the hell?!

[ontheclockpro]

I'm not giving you a mother's day card next year. Just so we're clear.

[crownless_king]

Yeah, I expected that. I had you pegged for the bad son anyways.

[ontheclockpro]

Hey I can be a great son. Maybe you just weren't that great a mother.

[crownless_king]

Wow! Wow! Fucking wow!

That was hurtful, Reno. That was hurtful, and bad, and you should feel bad. I was a great mother. I was the greatest fuck mothering mother this side of castle shenanigans.

[ontheclockpro]

oh? And what made you that?

[crownless_king]

If you can rock a toga, you win at mothering. Simple logic.

[ontheclockpro]

...Find a parenting book that states that.