[Two - Right Through The Eye] [Dictated/Action]

[the_effect_she_has]

[Guess who has found her way to the roof? Perfect place for brooding, as long as you get the right time slot. Luckily, it seems she has, because she has had it all to herself for the last hour as she finishes reading the last few pages of the journal from before.

Six months worth.

They told her - the veterans, the possible enemies, the hopeful friends. Read. Read back and see what you can glean. So Katniss had done just that, spending her days in silence as she read back to when they all received these new journals. Past the world changes, past the battles, past the terrors and tears. She read about all these strangers that were no longer here, and all the new faces that she saw almost every day. She read about Peeta, and Gale, Rue and Cinna. She read about Johanna, and felt her chest clench a little as she wondered if she was still here.

She read about Finnick, about Haymitch, and about Prim, and she felt her chest even more.

Then she read about herself.

It seemed odd, like she was looking at herself from the outside in. She saw so many choices reflected in her - ones that she would have made again, and others ... well. With time sometimes comes wisdom. If she had known then what she knew now -- but you couldn't go back. You could only go forward.

So here she was. So she would go forward, because to do anything else was to let herself go mad again.

She opened the journal to the first blank page, and started to write.]



I've been reading ... about our lives here. All since the new journals. And I - I need to tell you ...I'm further. Further even, than Finnick. Do you want to know? And if you do want to know, do you promise to keep it from Rue?




We should talk, you and I. [Yes, Peeta, she is seeking you out.]




[Here, her tone is lighter, but more serious.]

So. Wednesday is still good for you?




Hello there, Little Bird. I know you're off traveling. Save some good stories for me, all right? I miss you.

[She has a feeling that Rue needs to hear that, even more than she needed to say it.]




I. I just. [Why was this so hard? Why did it feel like choking whenever she was thanking someone for helping her? Why did it always hurt more than it felt good to know that people cared, had cared, still cared about her? That they had given so much time to her -- even when she couldn't remember them, she could feel all the same ... helpless gratitude.]

[Finally, she said roughly.] Thank you. For everything.


[And now ... now she speaks freely. Letting her words dot along the page, like animal prints.]

This place is poison. It always has been, and it always will be.

[She's quiet for a moment, pushing dark hair away from her narrowed eyes, before she speaks again.]

But sooner or later, you build up a tolerance, for poison. For every dark, evil thing. I know. I have. I let it dull me into compliance, because all I wanted was to survive. Then I woke up. And I'm awake now. I've been awake, for awhile now.

[She pauses, stalled, because words ... words were not as easy as tracking. As hitting a clean shot through a bird's heart. Still, she makes her words continue.]

I am not going to survive here. I am going to live. And the first step to that? Know my enemy. So I'm going to walk this castle. I am going to walk that town, that forest. Then I am going to walk that Dead Zone. Because every step, every new fact, is one more step to being alive, and not just breathing to breath.

[Okay. Just a few more words. Just a few more.]

And I'm starting, right now. You want to come, find me on the roof.

Comments

Catnip, forever

[fanstheflame]

[he knows that tone well - there's something she's holding back. he's too far away, and this is still too new, for him to try and press, though. she's got so much time between them, and so much to get used to...]

How can I help?

Gale

[the_effect_she_has]

[She's quiet for a moment, before she draws her knees up to her chest, her gaze far away.]

I don't know. Just ...don't change. [Quiet, so quiet.] Be Gale.

Catnip, forever

[fanstheflame]

Hey, don't worry. That's one thing I don't think I could stop being if I tried.

[not here, his tone seems to say, without even trying. not where it's so different being angry at a Castle, so different from being angry at the Capitol. where the weapons of retaliation are happiness and repairing your bonds, prevailing in the face of all its misery ... not weapons and hard words and horrible bombs. here, it's a better tactic to fight fire with water, instead of fire]

Re: Catnip, forever

[the_effect_she_has]

[She knows the power of water - she knows it every single time she looks at Peeta. It washes away anger, hate, rage, revenge. Cleans you out, makes you whole again. Takes you back to a place where you can ... perhaps, learn how to forgive your best friend for killing your sister. Water always flows.]

[One drop of it flows now, and drips on the page.] Good. Then after that, I want you to be happy. As happy as you were ever angry, Gale.

My *heart*....

[fanstheflame]

[he stares at the page, squinting a little in disbelief. is that ...? is she ... she is. she is, and he wishes he knew why. but at the same time, he knows that he doesn't want to know, either. he sighs, softly. whatever changed her this much, whatever's got her talking this way ... he wishes he could fix it. maybe, here, he's got a chance at it. at being her friend, the way he's supposed to be]

... Only if you are, too, Catnip.

Re: My *heart*....

[the_effect_she_has]

[She sighs, as she rubs her hand over her face, getting control over herself again.]

It's hard to make me happy. You know that.

[fanstheflame]

It doesn't mean I can't stop trying. In fact ... hey. Did you know there's a shooting range, here?

[the_effect_she_has]

I did not know that.

[One corner of her mouth lifts up, briefly.] I take it you could show me where it is?

[fanstheflame]

Yeah, I can even give you directions ... [and he'll draw a crude map of the path to the range on the page for her]

Considering how far we used to walk back home, it's really not that far out at all.

[the_effect_she_has]

God it seemed like miles. Of course, it was miles, wasn't it? [She murmured, mesmerizing the map before her, her smile quirking up on the edges.]

[fanstheflame]

Yeah, I guess it was. That field was the longest, though, even though it was the shortest. [all that open ground to cross...]

[the_effect_she_has]

[She nodded her head in memory.] Even running across it didn't make it seem any shorter ... just more perilous.

[fanstheflame]

Well, there's not any peril on the way to the shooting range. So you won't need to run unless you're really in a hurry to get there.

[the_effect_she_has]

It feels strange ... running because I want to run. [She pressed her lips together - this place gave her the one thing she wanted, but the one thing she wanted to give herself. Freedom, more or less.]

[fanstheflame]

Yeah ... [that earns her a breathless, odd sort of laugh - like he realizes it's funny but isn't, all at once] I know exactly what you mean.

[the_effect_she_has]

[She gave him a crooked sort of smile, one that was also filled with understanding -- and sadness. He always did understand.]

So ... Ino. Tell me about her. [It didn't hurt, that was the strange part. Maybe she had let go of all of that when she pulled her arrow back and put it into Coin, but she didn't find her heart torn anymore. It was just ... what was left over.]

[fanstheflame]

Okay ... [he sounds a little surprised, but at the same time, he's not. after all, if they're not going to talk about what happens, it's a logical topic to move on to. and he does want the two of them to get along - his best friend and his girlfriend. it seems like the kind of life he'd never be able to have in Panem, and that's what this is becoming all about for him, more and more - a shot at the life he'd always wanted to run away and find]

She's from a village in the mountains, where everyone trains to be soldiers, practically - not because they have to, but because a lot of the really, really good fighting experts ended up settling there. So it's like - fighting's their district specialty. But - it's not like Panem, they all learn how so they can protect places when other people attack, or when something happens.

[the_effect_she_has]

[Her gaze brightens at that - a place where they train people as fighters to defend, and not destroy? Sounds ...well. Almost sounds like heaven, to her.] She must hate being here, then. In this place. I mean - there are things to defend against but there doesn't seem to be any ... reason to any of it.

[She tugged on the end of her braid as she talked, an old, distracted habit.]

[fanstheflame]

She ... well, she's been here so long that she's used to how different it is. I know she definitely hates parts of it, but she really loves all her friends here - and she's got a lot - so it probably balances out.

[seriously, the way he says "a lot"? holy crap, Ino, why do you know so many people...]

[the_effect_she_has]

[Her lips quirked upwards on the side.]

Sounds like she's a real ... people person. [Which Katniss never was.] How long have the two of you been together? How did you meet? [Her old self probably knew - but this was Katniss now. This was her best friend talking about the most important person in his life. She could ... learn more. She could always learn more, she had found.]

[fanstheflame]

We've only been together a couple of months, but - she was one of the first people I met, here. I showed up in that room that looks like a beach, two days of the week - have you seen it, yet?

[the_effect_she_has]

[She shook her head a little.] Rue told me about it, but no, I haven't seen it yet. What's it like? [She only recalls the sea in a blur - going through on the District tour.]

[fanstheflame]

It's really pretty - once you're not waking up there out of nowhere. [he chuckles] We'll just have to go, sometime. I don't think there are any fish, but we could just ... bring a lunch or something.

[he just won't mention that he thought it was the arena at first. that seems like a prudent idea]

[the_effect_she_has]

...That would be nice. We could sit. Talk. Or not talk. Like we used to.

[She missed those days. She missed them so badly that it hurt inside. Like it hurt to look at this Gale and remember the angry, bitter one.]