paradisa | xxxvi λ winter

-------- Private -------

January 28th.

In some ways, I feel as though I am a ship adrift at sea, or at least a boat lost in a maze of canals. I do not know how to navigate a relationship with a woman from the future. The customs that are difficult enough in friendship prove even more complicated now. I know how a man might dictate a relationship in my time, but Lana is entirely different. If I commanded her, she would likely just be angry with me, so I am letting her make all of the decisions… it is strange, to say the least, but there is little I can do, even if I feel I am being emasculated.

Put like that, it all sounds very dramatic, but it feels as though that is the only way I can express it. It is one thing to be friends with women from the future, that I enjoy very much, but it is somehow different to call one your "girlfriend." I am just not used to being at one woman's beck and call.

I want to be prepared for this, yet I still feel lost… but I am still determined to prove to Molotov and the rest of them that I can be with a single woman and respect her wishes.

(It would be easier, though, if I were not always consumed with... frustrations. She will not even allow me to taste her.)

And what else plagues my mind? The Borgia, of course, as always… I fear Lucrezia will sabotage my relationships, and am concerned about that Cesare has been planning. I dare not place too many thoughts to the page, lest I bring bad luck upon myself.

Then there is Tim, who is Stephanie's "ex-boyfriend" –– I have yet to meet him, but I look forward to it. A bit of sporting fun would do me good.

x

----- Cesare Borgia -----

[written]

Salute.

I'd like to invite you to dinner. Just men –– no fair ladies this time.

E. Auditore.

-------------

Is it time for the snow to vanish into the ground yet? I hate snow. It is miserable to have to bundle oneself up like a Rossian just to go outdoors, and even more miserable to be indoors and wet in such heavy clothing.

Fuck winter, that is what I say.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Find a way around it all.

Shall I go to Venezia and join a nunnery that requires no vows of chastity?

That is probably the most thrilling option.

For you, perhaps. I doubt it would bring me happiness.

You do not want the freedom to do what you wish, when you wish?

I would rather be imprisoned with those I love than be unfettered and alone.

Those things need not be mutually exclusive, you know.

Perhaps, but even you can attest that one is often made to choose.

[A low laugh.]

So I can... but at least I never lack love when I am alone.

Solitude does not suit you.

And yet you balk when I take companions.

You are mistaking me for Stephanie. It is when you stop taking companions that I balk.

[He bites back the urge to say "you balk no matter what I do".]

Which companions are we talking about, of the heart or of the flesh?

[ Why are they even friends-not-friends?? ]

Of the heart, of course. Would you ever stop taking companions of the other kind?

Yes. Hasn't that been the point of our conversations for over a month now?

Perhaps. Does Stephanie know your mystery lover?

She does.

Yet you would never tell me. Why? Do you think she would not be jealous when I would?

Stephanie knows because my lady told her. [And so did he, but that's beside the point. Sort of.] My lady would only have people know on her own terms.

Is she of so high repute to demand such secrecy?

I suppose she is just a woman who values her privacy.

And so you oblige both her desire for privacy and her lack of it for intimacy.

You know me -- I am an obliger of women.

You are. I only wonder what that says of her.

What do you think it says?

(no subject)

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