paradisa | [dictated] TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!

[North is purple, South is green!]

Good afternoon everyone. This is North. You probably already know my sister, South.

Fuck you, you couldn’t let me introduce myself on my own idea?

Because I knew you were going to do it like that.

Do it like what?! [Aaaaalready missing the point.]

At least you haven’t called anybody “bitch” yet. And on that note, we have a little PSA for you guys. Now, I just got here, but I’ve noticed some things.

I’m just getting started. Anyway, yes. A lot of you are cluttering up this thing with all your asinine bullshit and no one wants to hear that shit.

What she means to say is that we thought it might be helpful to point out some common mistakes people are making when using these journals. There are some do’s and don’ts that we think will help you avoid common pitfalls. South, go ahead.

One: if you don’t mean to post it, don’t fucking post it!

Right. Accidental posting isn’t the best way to get to know people. It really makes you look... inexperienced? Well, careless, anyway.

So when you’re not using it -- secure it. Preferably under something heavy … like your mom.

Really, South?

What? I wasn’t talking to you.

Good. Alright, so moral of the story here is please keep your journal secure and safe. Which brings us to point one-point-five, same song, different verse. Lock it. If you don’t want people to see it, lock it.

Because if you don’t we have every right to tease the shit out of you.

Some people have a little more discretion, but not her. And trust me, you don’t want to give South ammunition. She likes to share.

Not in the good way. I don’t share my toys. Paws off. Point Two Fuckers: KEEP AWAY FROM LIQUIDS. Goddamn this is an annoying one.

Actually, I haven’t seen that one yet.

Trust me, it’s not pretty.

I’ll take your word for it. I’d say don’t take it to the bathroom, at that. I think it’s a given, but some people might have missed those lessons from Miss Manners.

Oh my god, and when you’re sick too! I mean, you think I want to have your contaminated snot dripping all over the place?

[He laughs.] I really hope nobody’s eating lunch.

Which we don’t want to hear about either. For the love of all that’s fucking good in this shithole, we do not need to hear your stupid life story or inane daily details.

Some people just like to share that. I’m fine with that, but as for the things I don’t want to hear about... Let’s leave the intimate details to the imagination.

[There’s a pointed silence from South for a moment, and then,] You guys know who you are.

[If only you could all see the look he’s giving her right now.] No one wants to know.

Nope. Not me.

Right. Nobody wants to know. Nobody. ...What else do we have?

That’s all I can think of. For now.

So. There we have it. Helpful hints from your friendly local Freelancers.

Ch’yeah. Friendly. Don’t come crying to me with your journal issues.

Seriously. Don’t. She won’t listen. From all of us to you, have a nice day.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Ha! He's only just begun.]

So you don't have to worry about her - she's been a peach, really. The question is, are you going to be a peach?

That depends on what you mean. I try to be a nice guy.

Oh goody! I do love nice guys. They're quite pleasant, actually. Hardly enough of them, these days.

So I'm told. You never know when they'll just show up, apparently.

[A bit of a dreamy sigh.] You're absolutely adorable. It was a good choice to nickname you creampuff.

But it is a good thing you showed up, because it seems the castle is lacking!

[Help.]

Lacking?

[Help with what, is the question :D]

In nice guys! You know, someone we can truly depend on in time of need.

[Though that also begs the question, what sort of need?]

[His life is pain.]

There are probably better candidates than a Freelancer.

Oh, your lance can be as free as you like, cream puff. I don't judge.

[OFJKASHGKLJASFF WHY.

TOO AWKWARD FOR LIFE.]

...Right. I'm just going to stop you there.

Aww, but we were having such fun!

Not my kind of fun.

Picky, picky, picky...

Very well, what is your kind of fun?

It generally involves guns. Sometimes volleyball, instead.

I'm not sure what either of those are, to be honest. I've been told a gun is sort of like a small cannon! But what is this 'volleyball'?

It's a game. Two teams, and you hit a ball over a net.

And what poor sap did you get the ball from? Did you convince him to give up one, or did you take it forcibly?

[.....What is your actual problem.]

It's made of leather or plastics.

[Volleyball was invented in the 1890's in another dimension, okay. What was he supposed to think?]

Oh, I see, I see. A fake ball made out of leather.

All right, I think I am beginning to understand... so is this any net, like a fishing net, or does it have to be specific?

It's a large net, stretched between two poles and elevated a few feet off the ground.

Only a few feet? That doesn't seem very difficult.

Well, you can't see over it.

Ooh, the plot thickens! So you can't see over it, and you have to lob the ball over it... and the other team tries to do the same? What happens if you miss?

If the other team misses hitting it back, you get a point.

It's... I think it's easier if I just show you.

Oh, goodie! I'd love to watch you play with yourself!

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