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[It'd been just over a day since she'd woken up in her room, her entire body heavy and weak from what she had to estimate a week of non-stop sleep. Her journal had been open to an entry a week before and while things had continued on in her absence, the pages hadn't flipped. She'd barely glanced at it before attempting to pick herself up and put together the pieces of the remainder of her life in this place.
She hadn't been herself lately.
It had finally occurred to her what was so terribly wrong with this place. When she was finally alone, without Cardinal Sforza or Father Tres to rely on, when it was just her, there was something lacking. Every time she knelt in the chapel, every time she closed out the rest of her surroundings to give herself to God .. there was nothing. The warmth, the calmness, the feeling of protection and peace from prayer - the guidance - it was all gone.
She felt nothing except abandonment. Fear. Loss. Confusion. There was no acceptance, no path laid clear to her, no divine communion. Just terrified struggling day after day to find meaning, reason and hope in a hopeless situation, in a place where she might never escape.
And she was alone.
Just that had her on her knees for hours at a time in the chapel, praying fervently, rocking, sometimes crying, often times her eyes closed, hoping. Perhaps it would come back to her. Perhaps she would see again.
So caught up is she in this quest for spiritual sight that she doesn't notice her journal open on the floor, writing down a description of her actions, eloquently and damningly.]
[ooc: Angsty post is angsty. But Esther seems to be on the fringe of discovering (though she has no idea) what her castle loss is, not to mention all her friends are gone and she doesn't have the self-esteem to realize she has more friends than those from her world.]
She hadn't been herself lately.
It had finally occurred to her what was so terribly wrong with this place. When she was finally alone, without Cardinal Sforza or Father Tres to rely on, when it was just her, there was something lacking. Every time she knelt in the chapel, every time she closed out the rest of her surroundings to give herself to God .. there was nothing. The warmth, the calmness, the feeling of protection and peace from prayer - the guidance - it was all gone.
She felt nothing except abandonment. Fear. Loss. Confusion. There was no acceptance, no path laid clear to her, no divine communion. Just terrified struggling day after day to find meaning, reason and hope in a hopeless situation, in a place where she might never escape.
And she was alone.
Just that had her on her knees for hours at a time in the chapel, praying fervently, rocking, sometimes crying, often times her eyes closed, hoping. Perhaps it would come back to her. Perhaps she would see again.
So caught up is she in this quest for spiritual sight that she doesn't notice her journal open on the floor, writing down a description of her actions, eloquently and damningly.]
[ooc: Angsty post is angsty. But Esther seems to be on the fringe of discovering (though she has no idea) what her castle loss is, not to mention all her friends are gone and she doesn't have the self-esteem to realize she has more friends than those from her world.]