(Dictated)

[tylendel]

(Curiously, after blacking out twice - and dying once, Tylendel has finally managed to grab the journal. He begins to dictate, though his voice is very weak at first.)

Am I in the Havens? (There is audible doubt in his tone. Why would he deserve to go there?)

I must be...somewhere else. (Somewhere reserved for cowards like him.) I don't deserve it, but...

Is there a Healer in the vicinity? (Goddess, he hopes he is actually communicating with someone.) I'm afraid to stand up. The last time I did, I must have blacked out.

(What else can one expect with a head injury and a fever?)

My name is...Tylendel. (His voice softens, an audible quake to it.) I think I'm...

(Dead. He wonders if that's the norm for...here.)

I didn't think death would hurt this much. (But he deserves every ache and he knows it.) But maybe this is my punishment.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Comments

Dictated forever

[indirectcause]

[Oh. Well, he sure knows that confusion, to suddenly have breath in your lungs and a beating heart when it was most certainly over and done with moments before. In the few weeks he's been here, his own confusion has settled into an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he can at least find a little sympathy for the guy]

I don't think it is. Any sort of afterlife...I mean. [God this is difficult, how do people even explain this place to new people over and over again?] There are people here who are alive. The castle takes people from a place in their life.

Any place in their life. [Including after it]

Dictated forever

[tylendel]

(The voice is unfamiliar, but he can't help but believe it. He can feel his heart beating and his lungs filling with air. Yet he's confused. Why is he alive? Why does this seem like...

A second chance?

But is it?

Or is this a punishment?

His head is spinning far too much to make sense out of the situation.)

Why...does it take them? (It's the first question that battles its way off of his tongue.)

[indirectcause]

Something about feeding off our emotions or...something. I've only been here a couple weeks myself, I'm still trying to work it out.

[tylendel]

(Well it should be getting a gourmet meal off of his emotions. Tylendel groans and drops his his face into his hands.)

Can we be...healed...here? Or is everyone in this much pain?

[indirectcause]

The castle didn't heal you when you arrived? [Maybe he was lucky. It sure would have sucked to bleed out all over the lobby floor]

There's a clinic here, and there are healers. I was offered them when I first got here. [By pretty much everyone. Blood freaks people out]

[tylendel]

I think it forgot a few spots. (Like...his whole body. He definitely feels like he leaped off of a tower.)

Do you know the way? What floor?

[indirectcause]

[Good job, castle, god. Ben's worked out the layout of the castle now, more out of habit of wanting to know his surroundings than out of any curiosity]

Sure man, I can show you if you like. Where are you?

[tylendel]

(There is a long pause as he drags himself to...a window. The fresh air is welcome, but it stings his lungs and he coughs.)

Third floor, I think? It looks too high up to be first or second.

[indirectcause]

Okay, keep your door open, and I'll uh...come get you.

[Heading his way over, careful as always because he still doesn't feel quite safe here]

[tylendel]

The door...? (He turns slowly and looks at the door in the distance. It's barely visible thanks to the...snow.) Why is it snowing indoors?

[indirectcause]

The...snow?

[Wait. Wait. Clementine had mentioned a magical room that changed seasons in this place]

You're in the weather room? [Pause] Hell if I know, apparently it's 'magic'. That's the answer to most things around here.

[tylendel]

The weather room? There's...a spell on this room. (It suddenly makes sense even if his mind is slow to process the words.) What's your name?

[indirectcause]

There's a spell on the whole place, I think. I don't really get it, we don't have magic where I come from.

[Making his way up the stairs]

I'm Ben.

You can hear me screaming, right? I'm sure you can - Longest Paused Reaction Forever btw

[peacockherald]

<sub>[ It hurt.

Havens it hurt hearing that voice again.

It smashed against his ears, his mind, sent him reeling so that he had to catch the side of Yfandes' stall to keep himself up. Even then, he slid down into the hay, heart pounding in his ears as he struggled to comprehend what he had just heard. He hadn't heard that voice in years, but he could remember it clear as day, burned into his mind forevermore. But to hear it from the mouth of the one it had belonged to...

Oh Gods. Gods, how could they be so cruel?

In the back of his mind he could feel Yfandes' equal startlement, her attempts to break him from his shocked stupor, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to answer back, fearing he had heard the voice in a fever dream, that this was another nightmare that would turn to ice.

Tylendel was dead. DEAD.

Yet a part of him reasoned, said that the Castle bent the laws of life and death, a god unto itself. He had seen it so through Clow, through others over the past year and a half. So why was it so hard to believe Tylendel was truly here? That his lifebonded had come back to him and was neither ghost nor pain and sickness fueled dreaming? He could feel the wounds Tylendel left behind in his soul tearing open again, making his head pound and his chest ache, breathing made painful.

He could feel Yfandes pressing at his shields, her equine body settling close to him, offering shelter, warmth, as she had those many years ago, dragging him away from death's door. Instinctually he curled against her as he had when he was a boy, drawing comfort and strength from her. She whispered gentle things in his mind, her love shielding him from the worst of the shock and the pain.

Eventually, though, he could feel her prodding, could hear her whispering what he knew he had to do though he did not want to, fearing that no answer would come. Or maybe he feared it would. It was hard to say as his heart twisted inside his chest, like a shard of ice was tearing at his heart.

Licking his lips, he took his journal from its place on the bale he kept in the stall for himself to sit on, holding it in his lap, eyes intently watching the words on the page.

Breath. Another. One more. Try to get his tongue to move, but it felt like lead and cotton in his mouth. Breathe again. Find anything to say. Anything at all. ]</sub>

'Lendel.

_{[ It was all he could think to say, the first thing his tongue could form, his heart seeming to pause between beats in his chest, waiting... ]}

Oh Van. <3

[tylendel]

(He has been so focused on immediate needs that he hasn't allowed himself to think about Van. His lover belongs in the part of his heart reserved for Gala and Staven and he absolutely cannot think about them. If he does, he fears he will find renewed determination to end his life; to take the coward's way out - and he can't do that. That's not him. He is - was - a Herald Trainee - practically a full Herald! - and giving up is not apart of his nature.

But the lines become blurred when he thinks about Gala leaving him and Staven dying. There's too much pain for him to overcome and he feels like he's drowning in it. Even the pain he feels in his body isn't anything compared to the pain in his heart. He would rather all his bones be broken and shattered beyond recognition than feel the pain of loss for a moment longer.

Yet that's the price of living. He understands that now, which is why he forces himself to sound calm. If he can just become the Herald again, maybe he can find a reason to keep moving forward. Maybe there's something he can hold onto...

And then that something arrives in the form of a voice. A soft whimper of pain follows the nickname - his nickname. He would know Vanyel's voice anywhere. His Van; his peacock.

Van has found him.

Tears stream down his cheeks as he pulls his journal closer.)

Ashke, is that you?

/clings to

[peacockherald]

<sub>[ Oh, gods, above, it was Tylendel. It was him. Tears, hot and stinging, pricked his eyes at the nickname, his heart twisting with to many emotions for him to properly count or understand. He licked his lips, mouth feeling full of cotton again, not sure what to say or what to do. Did he run to him? What did he do? What could he say? How could he begin to explain to Tylendel what happened? Did he even want to? Though his appearance would give it away when they met.

A gentle prodding from Yfandes knocked him off the careening path of his mind, back to the present, to the man on the other end of the journal.

His Lendel. His lifebonded. ]</sub>

It's me, Lendel. It's your Ashke.

Where... where are you?

/holds

[tylendel]

(Tylendel presses his back against a wall, wiping at his face in aggravation. He doesn't deserve to cry. He was the one that caused everything to happen. Van had been innocent.

What if he hates me? What if I disgust him?

Though Vanyel's tone said differently, he couldn't help but panic. The pain in his head returned twofold and he buried his face against the cold stone of the wall. Only then did he notice the charcoal smear.

Oh goddess, his face is still painted. He couldn't let Vanyel see him like this! But getting to his feet isn't going to be easy. It may not even be possible. Thus, with agonizing slowness, he removes his shirt and uses it to wipe off some of the charcoal. Of course he will need water and soap to get the rest.

And he's going to ignore the bruising that has spread across his body. Maybe he should put his shirt back on.

He just doesn't have the energy.)

Th-Third floor, I think. East side. Are you -

...coming?

/so many emotions, wah

[peacockherald]

<sub>[ A part of him didn't want to. What if he went and he wasn't there? If he wasn't really... Tylendel? He was scared, he could freely admit that, but what person would not be when their love came back after over a decade of being dead?

But gods, if... if he had been brought here from the time of his death... Oh gods, he must be in so much pain. He needed a healer, he had said as much. And that also meant... how much pain was in if he still felt Gala's residence? Even now, that horrible moment flashed in his mind, the ache in his chest tugging.

Tylendel needed him now, regardless of his own fears. And Herald's aided those in need.

That mind set shielding him, he got himself to his feet, sending a silent apology to Yfandes, promising he would come and finish brushing her and cleaning her stall when he had it all sorted. ]</sub>

Yes, Lendel, I'm coming. Can you tell me what's around you?

<sub>[ Though, if he dared, he thought he could probably try and find him through their bond. But he didn't dare, afraid if he searched for it, he would not find it.

He gathered his satchel and hurried towards the Castle from the barn, glad he was wearing his normal attire and not his Heraldic garb. He did not need to shock Tylendel anymore than he needed to shock himself. Better Tylendel see him first in his dark midnight blue first, get used to the side of his older face, his silver streaked hair... the fact he was a man and not the young boy who had clung to his golden lover many years ago. ]</sub>

/omggg

[tylendel]

(Having been so distracted by his pain and confusion, Tylendel hadn't noticed that he was - or, rather, is - surrounded by snow. The chill is easing some of the aches, but he knows he can't stay here. In his condition, he will freeze to death - even with his shirt back on.

Dammit, I thought it was cold.

Shaking his head - carefully - to clear it, he huddles in on himself and stares at the journal, hungry for more of Vanyel's voice.)

I see...snow. There's ice. I'm...cold, Van. (Reason and sense is beginning to abandon him. He is simply too overwhelmed to think logically.) But I don't hurt as bad.

Maybe...that's why...the castle put me here.

where exactly is he located in the Castle?

[peacockherald]

_{[ Snow? Ice? Where... the Seasons room? He could not think of a place with snow and ice in it readily within the Castle except there, but it was impossible to say. God, was he in some new room the Castle had made? Gods damn it! ]}

Tylendel, just hold on. I promise you, I am coming, I'm almost to the Castle now.

<sub>[ Do not take his beloved from him, gods, do not take him when he was so close within his grasp! He had given up the chance at death, at sweet release, do not punish him now by taking away the thing that had brought so much light and joy to his life once. Do not cast it back into darkness.

He moved faster, not caring who saw him now as dashed inside. ]</sub>

Third Floor - Four Seasons Room. :)

[tylendel]

(Those are beautiful words. Tylendel finds himself smiling, though the expression is weak. Still, the very fact that he can smile at all after everything speaks volumes about how important Vanyel is to him.

Goddess, he loves him. How could he have been so stupid to throw him away?)

Ashke, give me a chance... I'll make it up to you... All of it and more!

(His teeth click together as he shivers, but he ignores it completely.)

Don't leave me, Van! I know I don't deserve you - not now; not as I am. I'll change! I'll become worthy of y-you.

I want to. I want to love you like you deserve to be loved.

I thought so ~

[peacockherald]

_{[ The words stung so much, hurt so much. Oh Tylendel. Didn't you know? Even after everything, after all of it, he still loved you. He would always love you. You were perfect, he didn't need you to change. ]}

'Lendel, please, it is all right. I am almost there, I know where you are. It will all be fine, just keep calm.

<sub>[ He was running through the halls now, not caring if he bumped into people or not. He had one mission: to get to Tylendel. To find him, to hold him in his arms. Hands scrambled at the handles of the Seasons Room, tugging it open, cheeks burning as cold hair hit his face, as... as...

Golden hair. Beautiful golden hair on a golden boy, as beautiful as the sun. ]</sub>

Tylendel.

<sub>[ He said the other's name in a tight whisper, like a last ditch prayer to the gods.

The Herald-Mage dashed forward, sinking to his knees and gathering the Herald-Trainee in his shaking arms. Gods, he was real, he was real, he was real! ]</sub>

:D

[tylendel]

(What is he saying? Surely all of this is only going to burden Vanyel. He had wanted to take it slow and regain Vanyel's trust not...

Plead as if his life depended on it.

Then again, his life does depend on it. Vanyel is his life. There is a chance to right all of his horrific wrongs; there is a chance to make it up to the one that matters most to him.

Why has it taken him so long to realize that? Of course Staven and Gala were important; of course he loved them, but Van -

Tylendel's head swims and a sharp pain travels through his chest just thinking about him. Their bond is so much stronger than he had ever realized.

I'm a fool...

His eyes widen when Vanyel seems to materialize in the snow before him. He stretches out an arm, grasping at thin air, desperate to feel any part of his lover he can reach. But then...

Oh then...

Van is holding him. All Tylendel can do is sob in relief, his fingers digging into the back of his lover's - his Ashke's - tunic.)

I l-love you... Ashke, I love you...

And now we start on the road to an awkward conversation xD

[peacockherald]

_{[ The tears flow now, unbidden, but he didn't stop their flow. He breathed in, his chest shaking as he held him, his lover, his bonded, his life, the other part of his soul. His hand cupped the back of Tylende's golden head, shielding him from the ache and the hurt as Tylendel had shielded him those many years ago. He turned his head in, breathing in the scent of his hair. ]}

Oh 'Lendel, I love you too...

<sub>[ He held him a moment longer, then remembered where they were. A cold, snowing room, and Tylendel was hurt.

He needed to get him out of the room, somewhere warm, summon a healer. Howl or Clow, he thought. ]</sub>

Come, we need to get you somewhere warm.

<sub>[ Without thinking he wished up a blanket, wrapping it around his golden lover, scooping him up in his arms. It felt odd, being able to do this. Before it would have been impossible for him.

He turned and walked out of the room, already aiming for his own chambers. ]</sub>

We'll get you fixed up, Tylendel, don't worry. It's all going to be okay.

Awkwardly romantic conversation... >_>

[tylendel]

(Each touch feels intensified. Vanyel's hands are warm and strong and he seems...

Grown? But how can that be? Tylendel had originally thought his lover's voice sounded deeper, but he had blamed that on his hearing. With his bruised and broken body, it is a wonder he can hear and communicate at all.)

I think I'm hallucinating... (He doesn't sound or look worried in the least, however.) My Ashke is stronger than I am.

(Pride mingles with confusion in his voice. Is he having one of his fevered dreams? It would make sense, wouldn't it? But that might mean Vanyel isn't really here; that he is imagining him.

Gasping, he touches over his lover's face and strokes his fingers through Vanyel's hair. There are streaks in it - very dashing streaks. The sort of streaks one gets when they're -)

N-Nodes? (He murmurs the word, half to himself and half to Vanyel.)