First Mission ⊕ Do you want ants? Because THAT'S how you get ants. [Accidentally Dictated]

[fairlyclassichim]

[Sterling Archer, international spy, is suction-cupped to the outside of the 30th story of a skyscraper. His colleague is careening down to her death, having slipped mere seconds ago.]

AAAAAAARRRRRCCCCHHHHHHEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!

I'M COOOOOOMMMMMMMIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!

Phrasing! Oof!

[Archer launches off the building into a backwards swan dive and freefalls after her in hot pursuit.]

LAAAAAAANNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA! WOOOOO HOOO HOOOO-HOOOOO!

[He passes her and turns mid-air, ready to grab on to the building again and catch her.

Instead, he comes to a sudden stop as he crashes down... on top of a dude... in some kind of bright turquoise body armor... in a strange kitchen he's never seen before in his life. The force of the fall slams them both into the counter, sending food flying everywhere as they both skid to a rough stop against the cabinets.]

WHAT THE SHIT? Where the hell am I? LANA!

Comments

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer chuckles and picks up the drink, swirling it before taking a sip and giving the glass an incredulous look.]

Surprisingly not bad. Could have maybe used an orange that was a little more ripe, but considering you just pulled that out of thin air, not bad, blue guy.

[He air-toasts Tucker and chugs the rest.]

...Speaking of that, let me get this straight: you just ask the castle for whatever you want and you get it?

[babyaliendaddy]

I work with what I got, fucking ceiling guy.

[Tucker pauses at that question.]

Weeeeeell, there are limits. For example, I can't wish up strippers.

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer shrugs] I guess that was more directed at the castle if that's what made the drink. Hear that, castle? I'd like another, perhaps with an orange that wasn't picked while it was still green this time.

[The glass magically refills and Archer tastes the new drink, nodding in approval.]

There, was that so hard?

[Holy fuck Archer you are so gonna pay for that one!]

That's a shame about the strippers but surely there has got to be some women here. Please tell me there are women here.

[babyaliendaddy]

[Tucker arched both eyebrows under his helmet. Yeah, this guy would learn pretty fast that the castle didn't like being ... ah ... talked down to. If you could actually talk down to a castle.]

...Alll right, yeah, you keep that up there, dude...

[He nodded his head.]

Oh yeah, plenty of women. Uhm - a lot of them are probably not gonna take to ... getting hit on? Because most of them are armed?

[fairlyclassichim]

[Yeah he's screwed.]

[Archer scoffs.]Please. I'm an international spy, my entire dating pool consists of women who are armed and generally hate getting hit on.

[babyaliendaddy]

[So unbelievably crazy.]

...well then you'll probably be okay then. Huh, weird, that's my dating pool too.

[fairlyclassichim]

Let's hope so. I can put up with a magic castle of unknown fuckery as long as there are booze and women. Probably.

[babyaliendaddy]

Well dude, at least it beats getting shot at every day.

[fairlyclassichim]

And constantly dealing with shit from my coworkers... this might... actually... not entirely suck.

[babyaliendaddy]

I tell you what, it's like an insanely insane paid vacation. Except you don't get any money and look what I've got to work with.

[fairlyclassichim]

I... don't know what I'm supposed to be looking at.

[babyaliendaddy]

[Tucker gave Archer a long. Long. Looooooooooooooong look. Then he gestured to the medieval castle.]

Duh. Dude.

[fairlyclassichim]

Ah, right. Sorry, I must have hit my head harder than I thought.

But yeah. This could... actually be pretty sweet I guess.

[babyaliendaddy]

All the sandwiches and booze you could ask for.

The ... chicks are not to be wished for. [Not that he didn't try, though.]

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer shrugs and rubs the back of his neck.]

Guess you can never quite have it all, right?

[babyaliendaddy]

Yeeeah I'm suspicious of anything that gives you everything. In my experience, they turn out to be mind-fucking AIs.

[fairlyclassichim]

AIs? As in... artificial intelligence? Fuck literally everything about those.

[babyaliendaddy]

[Archer, you just became Tucker's friend. Right THERE.]

You know what, that is absolutely fucking correct, sir. Fuck EVERYTHING about those.

[fairlyclassichim]

[WOO Yeah buddy!]

I don't know what you had to deal with but man, [he doubles over laughing] I almost married one. Don't get me wrong, she was hot. But I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking!

[babyaliendaddy]

[Bonding over the assholeness of AI's. Ohyeah.]

...You almost married an AI. A hot AI. [He tilted his head.] How is that even possible?

[fairlyclassichim]

Man, get this. Forget the specifics because I don't think you really care about politics where I'm from, but this extremely hot Russian spy chick defected and we were going to run away together. She got killed during our wedding by this dick cyborg guy, Barry, that kind of had a beef with me because I miiight have thrown him off a building. It sucked. But then this crazy asshole Krieger that I work with rebuilt her as a cyborg. We got back together, and almost got married again... until I caught her screwing that Barry guy after he attacked her during our second wedding. Anyway, I'm guessing one or both of them had some kind of AI component or... something, but either way, fuck that noise.

[babyaliendaddy]

...Okay, seriously dude, forget AIs. What kind of fucked up chick goes with the guy who killed her?

[fairlyclassichim]

I know, right? They're both complete psychopaths.

[babyaliendaddy]

Forget dodged. You swerved out of the way of that bullet, my friend.