1/003: THE PART WHERE HE TESTS YOU.

[wheatdos]

"Well, I did tell you did I not that I would contact you another time for some follow up's didn't I, love? Well, I know I didn't give you much time to recover, but that time is now! Go on, get your athletic wear, find your sweatpants, and we're going to go through something... a bit of an intense training. I hope you've been practicing! Cause, well I guess if you weren't... that's not good. Oh, well, I guess we'll just wing it then. Come on, meet me back at the staircase, wi-will ya?

Filtered to everyone else EXCEPT Maya:

[ACTION WOULD BE PREFERRED. If it's action, you'd actually see Wheatley hanging around the grand staircase, pacing back and forth, in his usual lab coat, holding a clipboard where his... Journal is opened. He looks a bit frazzled, and like he hasn't gotten sleep in days.]

"Does anyone know any quick tactics of... of proper... proper... s-social communication by any chance? Like... like how you're supposed to treat... treat people by any chance? In... common conversation?

I kinda need a quick, a quick bit of a rundown on that. Maybe, maybe a little practice? Y' know, being an AI and all, not really knowing how to be a... um... a um proper bloke is all. Not like I consider any of you humans to be proper. Just... just saying. There's there's this girl, and well... frankly I don't want to make a fool of myself. It'd be... be unfortunate if I really messed up. Not anything too grand or anything, obviously... but anything would be great."

[HEAVILY IMPLYING ASSUMPTIONS THAT ARENT THERE. FANTASTIC.
FEEL FREE TO BE AS RIDICULOUS IN YOUR RECCOMENDATIONS AS POSSIBLE.]

Comments

[takethat]

No, thanks--I don't want to sit down.

[Crossing his arms over his chest, he shifts a little to be more comfortable standing up. Yeah, he doesn't trust you, Wheatley! You make his lawyer senses tingle.]

...no, nothing sciencey, I'm afraid. I was a lawyer. I still am.

[wheatdos]

"Eh, suit yourself."

[Lawyer senses? Are you sure that isn't you feeling lightheaded? Wheatley is one awesome guy, and he makes everyone swooooooooon by his really good looks..]

"A lawyer! Hmmm. Hey, could you help me sue someone? For- for distress? Maybe, can you- can you sue someone for being a complete dodgy monster? M-maybe?"

[takethat]

N-no... no. I don't handle lawsuits. I'm a criminal defense attorney. And I work mostly in murder cases.

[You hear that? That's PRIDE right there.]

...see?

[...and then he shows off his attorney's badge, for good measure.]

[wheatdos]

"Do you now? Well that's impressive mate, really really impressive. Murder cases. Not bad at all, You're gonna keep paradisa clean of any criminals, I hope. it'd be hard for me to work on anything knowing there's a psychopathic killer around."

[OH Wheatley hears it. He's not really interested in all that but he'll flatter the lawyer, just cause. He's scribbling something on his notepad.]

"Hehe... ahh yes.."

[He nods and laughs to himself.]

"By- by any chance, what is Maya to you? Something, maybe... maybe, I don't know, more than just an assistant? Not like- like I care, just... just wondering is.... is-is all."

[takethat]

[I love how Wheatley's commenting on psycho killers

Phoenix is too busy being wrapped up in Wheatley's last question to bother returning to the matter of... lawyering.]

Eh? Maya? Well--she's--that's--

[He shifts a little.]

...she's sort of my best friend.












Why? ...is she something to you?

[wheatdos]

[The irony is fantastical. But he will never knowwwwwwww.]

"What? Pfft, Haha, no.. not at all. Why- why would you even think that?
Just- just wondering is all."

[POKERFACES EVERYWHERE.]

"Just I figured, maybe... since you know, you're best friends with her... I could maybe, ask you... how to get along with her? Hypothetically if she were of course the person I was speaking about. Which she isn't."

[takethat]

....

[Yeah. You're not fooling anyone who is well-versed in catching people in lies.]

...so, since Maya is very much the person you're talking about...




She's got a lot of crazy ideas and stuff running around her head. She likes to talk about what she enjoys, or what she's thinking, so just... ask her what's going on in her life. She'll probably be glad to fill you in. She also likes food.

[A pause.]

...and you better not be planning to do anything bad to her.

[This is my "I'm serious" face]

[wheatdos]

[HES A GOD. HOW DOES HE KNOW THESE THINGS. Wheatley's eyes widen slightly, but then he sighs.]

"Ohhh, you're good. You're good. You're really good at this, right, but you're a lawwwyer, you've gotta be, or else I guess you wouldn't be very good at your job, now would you? I won't, mate."

[He nods.]

"You don't gotta worry about me. Just little ol' Wheatley here. Not doing anything wrong. You know, I'm surprised she hasn't told you anything about me. Good things of course, good things."

[takethat]

[Putting two and two together, Phoenix is pretty sure Maya has in fact told him something about Wheatley--something about a newer guy in the castle convincing her to do something that ended up hurting her ankle. But, Phoenix being Phoenix, he doesn't have the proof to back up that claim, so he won't be pressing it--for now.]

...yeah. Well, just see to it that she doesn't get hurt, okay? I mean that.




If I asked what you wanted with her, am I right in assuming you wouldn't answer me?

[wheatdos]

"Hmmm, maybe."

[He nods a few times.]

"You don't seem like the type... of human... to meddle into things if I tell you. So I'll just go on up and do that. If-if you really want to know, maya is my partner, mate. Simple as that. I'm the one in control, obviously, but that's all. For all that to work out, she'd uh need to be accommodated accordingly, yes."

[Honestly that sounds like it can be misinterpreted but i cant think of another way xD]

oh my god this thread just keeps getting better

[takethat]

[IT IS ON NOW

Phoenix bristles noticeably at that.]

She's your partner? And you're "in control?" Look, buddy. I don't know what kind of "partner" you're talking about, here, but either way--work or romance--it doesn't sound good for Maya. And anyway, she's my work partner.

[He's clenching his fists and glaring; mad lawyer is mad.]

just wait.

[wheatdos]

"Really now, mate? A-are you, are you sure? That's not what she said last night..."

[IT WAS NIGHT WHEN THEY LAST SPOKE. Wheatley has no idea what's going on. He's just kind've staring at the lawyer, completely... well, normal. Doesn't even look like he's lying.]

1/2

[takethat]

2/2

[takethat]

What?! What did you say? Now listen here! I can't just... stand by and let you say something like that!

[He sort of moves as though as he's thinking about shoving Wheatley, but changes his mind and just... shifts uneasily instead.]

[wheatdos]

"Am I missing something? Oh... oh wait mate, are you... hehehe. You're jealous now, aren't you? That's... that's alright I suppose. Not many can match up to my...my, uh... vast superiority in almost every subject, now can they? She's picked me over you. Ohh, that must hurt... tremendously."

[Still so clueless...]

[takethat]

I'm not jealous! You're talking about Maya in such a... horrible way!

[And she's something like a best friend and a sister and everything all rolled up into one Maya, and he's completely not okay with the direction this conversation has taken.]

[wheatdos]

"Wh-really mate? Am I? Isn't that how you humans converse? I read up on it... I-I didn't realize I was- Oh, I guess that only means that this entire thing isn't working out nearly as well as I thought it was. Uh... that's a bit of a bummer."

[He seems to be thinking.]

"Hm..."

[He seems SO GENUINE.]

"This is really an inconvenience. Wh-what's a better way then, mate?"

[takethat]

A better way to what? A better way to tell me you're...

[This, he whispers:]

sleeping with my friend?

THIS IS REALLY BAD.

[wheatdos]

"..."

[He blinks]

"wait what?"

[He squints slightly]

"Is... that what you call it? That can't poss-possibly be what you call it. That- that doesn't even make any sense. There's... there's not even sleeping involved, mate."

IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE ASDFLKJLJJ

[takethat]

It's slang! It's slang for use with polite company, which you obviously aren't, but I was trying to be... nice!

[He kind of partly groans and partly yells, and it comes out a little akin to "rrrgh!"]

You need to leave Maya alone!

YES IT DOES. LOL.

[wheatdos]

"Ju-just inquiring!"

[He looks surprised, and slightly raises an arm defensively... this guy looks insane. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW HUMANS WORK.]

"Wai-wait what? Wh-what? Why? Maya Fey is in safe hand's wi-th me. She's willingly accepted me as her partner... anyway. So... wh-what's the problem?"

[takethat]

I seriously doubt that. Especially since you're telling me you're "in control" and all that crap. That sounds... questionably consensual at best! And I'm--











[Okay. Deep breath. He's trying to look threatening, here. It's probably failing miserably, but damned if he's not trying.]

I'm not going to let you treat Maya like some kind of sex toy!

1/3

[wheatdos]

"..."

[wheatdos]

[Clears throat.]

3/3

[wheatdos]

[And then he removes his glasses.]

"...I- I'm sorry. What did you say?"