v λ education

[assassino]

["Clinic," she had begun saying, every time he got too close to her.

He liked a lot of things about Stephanie Brown, so he wasn't going to let a stupid thing like that bother him too much, but he was a little offended that she thought he a) was diseased and b) didn't know anything about protection. Sure, he was from a time where prostitutes could carry bugs, but he avoided those ones. And protection? Pfft. He might not have known about modern protection, but there was pulling out, and ah, tra le cosce. To his knowledge, he'd never gotten a woman pregnant. Why should he worry now?

He'd also pointed out to her that the women he'd already slept with in Paradisa hadn't given him any long lectures about protection nor quizzed him about disease, but she was adamant. Clinic, clinic, clinic.

Ezio wasn't even planning on sleeping with her, and she still demanded he to go to the clinic, no matter what his excuses were.

So, finally, he sulks his way down to the clinic and lets himself in. It's a bizarre place, unlike any doctor's house in his time. Everything seems so nice and clean, and there are no blood stains on the floor. That's nice. And, as Crowley had told him, there is a large mural of Eden on the wall. Interesting.

But is anyone here? If there was no one here, he can tell Steph that there was no one there. That'd be nice.

He has to be able to say he tried, though.]


... Hello?

Comments

[confidente]

[ No... it can't be.

He opens his mouth to try something else, but alas whatever it was doesn't make it out... only: ] It is physically impossible for a pig to look up at the sky.

[ He coughs again, confusion practically painted across his face. ]

What the hell?

[atrophied]

[House is just barely restraining his amusement from leaping onto his face.]

If he's got chancres on Little Italy, what does he likely have?

[assassino]

[What the fuck are you people talking about.]

I don't have chancres. Are you really doctors?

[confidente]

A shrimp's heart is in it's head.

[ Oh dear god, this is his loss isn't it? He scrambles to grab a piece of paper and a pen so he can try to scribble his answer down. Only... he can't, his hand strains for a moment before it forces itself to write down... some sort of stupid fact about bees. ]

We are.

[atrophied]

Since the pox seems to have Dr. Watson's tongue, I'll explain. There are a lot of sexually transmitted diseases. Sometimes you don't even know you have them, but you can still infect other people. When symptoms do show up, things can turn very itchy. Some can even make your penis look like it's rotting and about to fall off. And they're transmissible by almost any sort of sexual contact. [He starts ticking them off on his hand.] Vaginal, anal, oral...

[assassino]

[Seeing as one doctor seems interested in actually telling him about things, he focuses on House to listen... and then he'll just sit there, horrified at the thought. Nothing is sacred, apparently. He probably sounds a little more unsure than he wants to let on.]

So that could start at any time? What about the women I've bedded?

[confidente]

[ It's not that he doesn't want to tell him about things, it is more that he can't.

John tries to wrestle whatever force has taken over his hand and fail miserably. A few more facts get added, one about how many bones one has in their foot and another about bears. ]

[atrophied]

Take it easy, Dr. Watson. Why don't you start making the labels for his samples. If you type up information on Carnival, we'll know what you meant. [House is so concerned. Not.]

If you're clean, it means they were probably clean at the time you slept with them too. If you're not, then you got it from one of them and probably passed it on to all the rest. Bad news, not much we can do for them from here. [He reaches behind him for a box of sterile gloves.] Good news, we can test you. All STDs are treatable [to an extent] and some are even curable [even if the damage they wreak before the pathogen is killed off can be irreversible]. So. Which arm do you like least?

[Snap! Goes the first glove on.]

[assassino]

[Ezio has half a mind to correct House's pronunciation of Carnevale, but he doesn't. There are more pressing matters at hand, and though plenty of people would just avoid the situation and leave, Ezio is a pretty complacent guy. When someone says something that sounds logical, he has no reason to ignore it. If it means not only his health but the safety of the women he's bedded, well, it doesn't make sense to complain. He can guess what's going to happen –– he's going to be bled, isn't he?]

I would have liked to avoid being bled, but I suppose it is necessary...

[So he starts unlacing his bracer on his left arm so he can push up his sleeve to get it out of the way.]

And, ah... I've slept with women here, too.

[confidente]

Shut up, House. [ Oh he knows and frankly isn't going to do anything along those lines. He's annoyed, really annoyed, that this of all things is his loss. It's just what he needed to make his day. B| ]

Don't worry, he's not going to use leeches or anything. [ John sends a warning look at House, just in case. Don't you even dare use leeches. ]

[atrophied]

[Ugh, John. You suck the fun out of everything. While House grabs a urine sample cup, tourniquet and butterfly needle (you can start hating butterflies now too, Ezio), he shoots John a “don’t fuck with me” look. He knows your loss now. He can make your life so much worse than he was already planning on making it.]

If you’re positive for anything, you can give us their names and we’ll let them know. Don’t worry. We’re bound by law not to air your dirty laundry without your permission. At least we were back in our world. [Not like that ever stopped him. HIPAA was more of a guideline than a rule. He points to a school desk-like seat.] Sit and hold out your hand. I’m going to take a couple of vials of blood [he shakes the needle still in its sterile packaging] and then you’ll go into the bathroom [he points to the bathroom door], urinate into this sample cup [he holds the cup up for Ezio to see], put the lid on and give it Dr. Watson [he jabs his thumb over his shoulder at John]. Meanwhile, Dr. Watson will be fetching a box of condoms and showing you how to use them. You don’t need to talk to demonstrate, do you, Dr. Watson?

[assassino]

Va bene, I can work with that. It's better than leeches.

[He finishes unbuckling his bracer and sets it off to the side. The long, thin metal contraption underneath it only takes another second to unbuckle and set aside, too, though Ezio isn't exactly interested in being too far from it for too long. Following House to the desk, he rolls up his sleeve, eyes on the needle, and lays out his arm. A knife seems more efficient at letting blood.]

Modern medicine is... interesting. In my time, a doctor would just slice you and let the blood drain into a bowl.

[confidente]

[ When did he become House's lackey? No, seriously, when did this happen? He would very much like to know. ] I don't remember taking orders from you House.

[atrophied]

I can't do it. I'm busy right now. [He makes a show of tying the rubber tubing around Ezio's arm. See, John? He'd do it if he could (he probably would; the man has little shame), but he's occupied at the moment. Tearing the top off an alcohol swab packet, he uses it to disinfect an area just above the elbow crease. While he waits for the vein to bulge, he takes the time to explain to Ezio.]

If I didn't need your blood intact and uncontaminated, I'd do just that. You think it's fun poking around for a good vein?

[It doesn't take long for him to find that good vein. Ripping open the IV's packaging, he takes the needle by the butterfly wings and introduces it quickly into the skin. The flash of blood through the needle lets him know he got the vein in one. Letting the needle rest where it is, he lets the first tube fill, then plugs in another one.]

[assassino]

[He looks between them again, thinking this is the strangest organization he's ever seen. Watson looks too old to be an apprentice, but he clearly has no ability to speak in medical terms, and claims not to be an apprentice at all. Ezio is so distracted by the strangeness of this situation, so far from what he expected, that he doesn't realize what House intends to do with the needle until he's been pricked.

At least he has the fortitude to not yelp or jump or anything ridiculous. He just grits his teeth and reminds himself that getting his finger branded a month ago was a lot more painful than this.

And then he just watches, fascinated, watching the red blood run through what looks too impossibly narrow to channel anything.]

It's... hollow? And why would the blood be contaminated otherwise?

[confidente]

[ At least that blue thing isn't running around today, it would be even more strange then. He rolls his eyes, getting up to collect the box necessary and dropping it nearby House, he is really not going to be following your orders SIR. ]

It's to keep the sample clear from contaminants. [ AT LEAST HE CAN SAY THAT. ] The knives your doctors used weren't sterile, nor were the places they operated.

[atrophied]

[House glances at the box while he sets the tubes aside to take into the lab. He speaks while he removes the tourniquet and needle, tucking a cotton ball against the tiny incision on Ezio's arm.]

Aren't you going to show him how to put it on? [FOR SHAME, DR. WATSON.]

[assassino]

I was wondering why there weren't blood stains on the floor when I arrived. [Might as well admit it.] Now I see why.

[He moves to hold the cotton ball in place for House, and then turns his attention to Dr. Watson though, mildly surprised.]

Put what on?

[confidente]

[ DON'T YOU FOR SHAME HIM. ] No, you are. I'll take the samples to the lab. [ He smiles tightly, collecting the tubes himself to take to the lab before House can really protest. ]

Seeing as Dr. House is no longer busy, he'll show you the proper use of a condom.

[atrophied]

[House watches him go. He doesn't say anything, which should frighten John. It just means this is the beginning of what will be an ever-escalating prank war. When he turns back to Ezio, he pulls a wrapped condom free from the box and wishes for a banana. He holds it up in front of his patient's face.]

Pretend this is an erect penis.

[assassino]

[He laughs. He has no idea what a banana is, dude.]

Whatever that is, it doesn't look like a healthy one.

[confidente]

[ It... does worry him a little. Just a tad. Though he shrugs it off and disappears into the lab. He's safe for the moment. ]

[atrophied]

All you need to know is it's long, it's stiff and you put it in your mouth. Just like a real penis. Now watch.

[He rips the condom wrapper open and pulls the condom out. Making a show out of it, he places the condom at the tip of the banana and unrolls it down and on the fruit.]

And that's it.

kiku says to skip her for a bit ahaha

[assassino]

[More like he'll put it in other's mouths, thank you very much. Interesting, though he can't say he really cares for the idea of wearing one.]

And this prevents disease? [Just so we're clear.]

/is gonna crawl into a hole and die after this thread is over ldglfgd

[atrophied]

[No one cares for the idea. It's just one of those sacrifices we must make.]

Yep. Keeps those bodily fluids that can transmit disease separate. It also has the added bonus of preventing you from knocking anyone up. Just remember to use a different one each time and toss the used ones into the trash.

[Have the box, man. Enjoy.]