paradisa | 02 | Written

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dirk strider

02 | Written

So, after a few weeks of being here, I finally figured out just what it is this place is missing.
I mean, aside from sense, logic, and a few certain people that would make it bearable.
It has a depressing lack of perky neon plush proboscises and a noticeable absence of plush rumps.
So tell me.
Where can I find some a needle and thread, some fabric and stuffing?
I'm going to fix this egregious error ASAP.
Just in time for Christmas, too.
Out with the fucking nutcrackers, in with the smuppets.

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What the hell is a Smuppet?

And this is exactly why this place needs them, so I don't get questions like that. It's a puppet of my own design. I'll be sure to give you one when I get the necessary supplies.

Plush... rumps...?

Yes. My smuppets have only the softest most bulbous rumps they could possibly have. In fact, if I wasn't so good at stitching, you would swear the stuffing was about to rip through the seams to lovingly caress you as you stroke it's bottom.

Hoo hoo hoo! Dirk, are you really going to make some? I want to see it when you finish one!

I most certainly am. And you can, I plan to pass them around as Christmas gifts.

Oh, wonderful! Should I start thinking of names for mine?

I think I'm just going to make some candy. Everyone likes candy.

Go right ahead. Any particular colour you want, or should I jump to the logical conclusion and assume your usual colour?

And yeah, everyone does love candy, that sounds like a totally legit gift idea.

The usual color would be very appreciated. Can I assume your affinity for orange extends beyond the color?

I was also thinking about including some false mustaches! But those would only be for some folks. You're on that list, of course.

Yep. I'm all about me some orange.

False mustaches would be the shit. It'd go well with my whole 'trying to figure out how to get the fuck home' thing I got going on. Might as well make myself a detective.

Then I'll find something to make that you will surely enjoy!

[GASP] We could be detectives together! Along with everyone else! Did you know that folks go on expeditions here, Dirk? I don't know when the next one will be, but when it comes around we should both go!

[Wow, that sure is a lot of enthusiasm, he almost laughs.]

Shit, let's have a god damn detective party, eh? I bet it'd be a real hit with the kids.

[Expeditions really piques his interest, though.]

What kind of expeditions?

An actual detective party would be a lot of fun. It could be like one of those dinner parties built around an imaginary crime or something.

Expeditions out into the wider world, to find out more about it! This place has so many mysteries to it, and everyone wants to find out what they are. I went on the last expedition myself! It was...well, it was exciting to say the least!

Like from the game Clue?

And why didn't anybody tell me about that before? It sounds a hell of a lot better than just sitting around the castle.

Something like that! Only a bit more complicated and intriguing.

Well you never asked! And I don't know how often they happen, but they are certainly huge productions. I couldn't count how many of the others came along.

I think we should totally do this. It sounds like the cheesiest good time anyone could have.

And how am I supposed to ask about something that I don't know exists? Contrary to popular belief, Jane, I don't know everything. But it sounds like just the thing to make this place more exciting. The way you phrased it makes it sound like something you can't just do on your own, though? Do we have to wait for our gracious hosts to deign to set a specific time and place?

We SHOULD do it! Let's do it together!

I think it's something the older residents organize. I came along on the last one, but I don't exactly know who runs it. There were people in charge of things, but I'm not sure if they are in charge of expeditions in general. I should have asked at the time, but the excitement of all the new things must have made it slip my mind.

Alright. Perhaps it would be a good idea to do it after the holidays, but when everyone is still in the holiday spirit. That way it doesn't conflict with anyone's plans.

I guess I'll just have to wait around until someone finally gets around to hosting another one. But hypothetically speaking, would there be anything stopping you or I from going on one together just the two of us?

I don't think so! But it's very strange and very dangerous out there. What I saw was only a fraction of what's actually out there! I don't say that because I don't think we can't handle ourselves, of course, but there's probably a reason these things are big affairs.

All I'm hearing from this is a challenge. Screw the rules and waiting for it to be some big affair. I think we should go on one anyway. Who the hell cares if it's dangerous? I don't. We should plan one out!

Well...there are some things I've heard about that I sure would love to see for myself!

[Oh gosh like she really wanted to go explore some castle ruins with Aradia and if she thinks about one friend she'll want to invite them all!]

Then I know what we're doing as soon as possible. Of course I'm going to need to gather some more information before it can really be a thing, but I'll make it happen, for sure.

What sort of information would you be gathering? Spots of interest perhaps?

Yeah, pretty much. And what kind of things can be expected out there. As fun as it would be to wing it, I'd rather not somehow get you killed or otherwise bring you to any lasting harm.

[Aw, you're a good friend Dirk. You do the friend thing well.]

I would probably need someone to reign me in, if my future track record is any indication. But that goes for you too, you know! We would have to look out for each other.

[He tries. He definitely tries.]

I still say you worry too much about that. And yeah, I guess maybe I would need you watchin' my back, if it's too dangerous. Hell, you're the only one I'd really trust to do that.

[And he does good!]

Really? Well, I am honored to have earned a trust like that.

It makes sense, when you consider the fact that Roxy is constantly intoxicated and Jake tends to be a little trigger happy on occasion.

Hoo hoo! That is true, but I still wouldn't count them out when everything came down to brass tacks.

Nah, they certainly can hold their own. I'm not trying to discredit them by any means; I'm just saying they lack a certain level of finesse.

And you're saying I have finesse?

That's exactly what I'm saying. At least more finesse than the others, anyway. Enough finesse to make me trust you in a pinch.

Hoo hoo hoo! Well, again, I feel honored!

Perky neon plush... wh..at?

Rumps. Asses. Buttocks. Butts. Derriere. Fanny. Tush. Etc, etc.

Pick your word of choice.

[Oksdja] Okay okay, I get it!! Why would you bring up something like that though?

Edited 2012-12-19 20:43 (UTC)

The better question would be why I didn't bring it up sooner, actually.

Edited 2012-12-20 10:06 (UTC)

...what strange priorities...

Y'know, it's like I said. Christmas is nearly here.

So what's your favorite color?

What do... [no, better not to ask that question]

My favorite color? Uh... I don't... really have one?

Edited 2012-12-21 18:41 (UTC)

Well you've gotta have a preference, don't you?
But if you'd rather it be a surprise, that works too.
Maybe it's better that way.
That way it's more exciting.
I mean that's how Christmas works, isn't it?
So yeah, it's better this way without a doubt.

Wait, what? What surprise? What are you talking about? [?????]

...plush rumps?

If you would kindly look above, you'll find a few alternatives if your prudish senses need it. Otherwise, yes. Rumps. Of the plush, bulbous variety. Oh yeah.

I have no idea what you're talking about, but I know exactly where to find most of that stuff.

Everything but the stuffing, in fact! But that should be easy enough to find.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I'd be happy as hell to teach you. In fact, it'd be a downright pleasure.

In the event we can't find stuffing, I can always improvise.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

02 | Written

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THIS IS ALL DICTATED BTW FSLDK

OOPS. Sorry! Let's just say Dirk's been responding to him with text anyway.

NP sorry for not saying so earlier!

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