paradisa | Wonder-F'ing Land : Dictated

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church

Wonder-F'ing Land : Dictated

Hey... has anyone figured out a way out of this place yet? Is anyone trying?

And if not, maybe at least a clue as to what the hell is going on...

Are any of you guys here too or am I just extra lucky to be on my own?
Do you mind if I ask you some questions... there's something that's been bugging me.
I know right now may not be the best time, seeing as I'm stuck wandering around in this goofy as shit place. But I have no idea how long I'm stuck here, so I guess it seems as good a time as any.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I didn't touch anything... it sucks you in if you get anywhere near it.

And I'm not some fuckin' damsel in distress. I don't need a rescue mission...

... at least not yet.

So far this place is just really really annoying.

Okay, that's a little better, then. I mean, you should know better than to touch weird things.

Yeah, it seems kind of like the whole place is smoking opium? Should remind you of some training missions from back home.

Yeah... after years of dealing with Caboose, this place almost makes sense.

[Is it sad that he half expects Tucker to jump out of someplace to make a comment about "touching weird things".]

[Bow chicka bow wow?]

Kind of sad, really. But hey, at least training prepared us for something in life, right?

Hooka smoking caterpillars?

Yeah, boy am I glad I had all that training.

[laughs]

I'd sure be lost without it.

--What, seriously? I was joking about the smoking opium part.

I shit you not... giant fuckin' catapillar.

With a hooka... sitting on a trippy as balls mushroom.

All right, I admit that one's outside the scope of my training.

Oh, and I heard something about a queen yelling "off with their heads"? You staying away from court?

Yes mother... I'm stuck somewhere in the woods. Must have made a wrong turn in the hedge maze.

I fuckin' hate mazes.

[York snickers. Come on, someone has to be team mom.]

Does your motion tracker work? You should be able to set a waypoint for north and just follow that out. Unless physics are screwed up in there, too.

What... we have motion trackers?

Why didn't anyone mention this sooner?

What--they're standard issue! I know they must have given you at least some training manuals in your bases. Didn't you ever get bored enough to read them?

Pfft.. no.

[Worst AI ever.]

Well, you should be able to activate it anyway. If you can't figure it out, I'll have Delta show you when you get back.

[of all time]

Let's see here.... um, hmm... no, no... ah ha!

Well, look at that. Motion tracker and a compass too.

Why didn't they cover this shit in basic? And what else am I missing?

I'm pretty sure they did cover it in Basic. The question is, how much of Basic do you actually remember?

[Probably nothing.]

Hard to say what you're missing, [besides all your shots all the time] but I can throw together a tutorial if you come up against anything you're not comfortable using?

I remember basic just fine thanks!

[no, he really doesn't.]

No one at the canyon had anything like that. That would have made shit so much easier!

Uh-huh. [His disbelief, let him show you it.]

But, Church. You had it all along or you wouldn't have been able to access it just now.

No, I mean none of us knew about it.

[if he had eyes he'd be rolling them right now]

Hell, Caboose was lucky he knew how to put his armor on.

[not mentioning the time he and Tucker accidentally reset Caboose's armor.]

You know, I'm not even really sure he did. I don't know if he ever took it off at all.

[Because, well. Caboose.]

[chuckles]
Not all at once.

You know how you're always supposed to have your armor "at the ready".

He took that pretty literally.

Thought he'd get in trouble if he ever got all of it off at once.

You know, somehow I believe that perfectly well. Saying he's an idiot is an insult to the rest of the idiots in the world.

You making any progress through that place?

He's like the king of the idiots... if by king you mean the most fucktarded of the bunch.

Yeah, I think so.

I'm hoping to find my way back to the mirror. Maybe I can find a way back from there?

He sure is special, all right. Very special.

Hmm. You said it sucked you in, right? Maybe if you find another mirror there it'll do the same.

Man, I wonder how many people he's killed at his new base. Those poor bastards.

I guess it's worth a shot.
Where would I find a mirror big enough to... Hmm...

[duh at the Castle. York's gonna' shit a brick. You can almost hear the smirk.]

York

Church

York (ad infinitum)

Church forever

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